The Endgame

I spent Saturday in bed, dealing with a headache, a broken heart, and a stomach tied in knots. I had a shift at Ashton’s, a cute restaurant where I waited in my free time but called in sick.

It wasn’t technically a lie. I was feeling under the weather.

I regretted everything from the previous night.

How could I have done that? How could I have allowed St. Claire to do all that to me? What was wrong with me?

I was in love with someone else. Despite what Jacob had said about us no longer being compatible, I still cared about him. How could I have given my body to someone else I didn’t love? Heck, I didn’t even like Graham as a person. I was attracted to him, much to my disgrace, but I didn’t like him.

St. Claire was nice to me one night, and I ended up acting like an idiot.

I felt stupid. I felt like a traitor.

Not to mention, Graham St. Claire had been bullying Jacob since freshman year. I had witnessed it. I had seen how hurt and frustrated Jacob was after each incident, even though he had never done anything to retaliate. Jacob was endlessly patient and forgiving.

Still, I was stupid enough to lower my guard for a night and, desperate to forget, I ended up hooking up with the enemy. I’d allowed St. Claire to charm me.

Why couldn’t he have left me alone? Why did he have to be persistent? Why did he have to be nice and funny?

I wanted to forget everything and delete that night from my memory.

My only consolation was that last night didn’t mean anything to St. Claire. I was one of his endless one-night stands. One of the many girls he’d hooked up with. He wouldn’t seek me out after last night. I was forgettable, which meant St. Claire wouldn’t mention anything about last night to anyone.

Rumors would spread about St. Claire spending the night with someone, but they might not know it was me. They would say Graham was with a nobody. Something disappointing, perhaps. Not much to talk about; we were only chatting in the living room. Nothing scandalous.

Jacob might not find out about my stupid moment of weakness. And if he did, I prayed he wouldn’t believe the rumors.

Everything about last night was so unlike me.

I prayed none of this hurt Jacob. The last thing I wanted was to cause more pain.

I tried to relax and read a book instead, but I couldn’t focus. I kept thinking about Graham’s hands and mouth. My body tightened in discomfort and heat.

I moved on to Netflix. Surely Mr. Darcy would take my mind off things. I mean, he was Mr. Darcy—there was nothing more irresistible in this world.

That wasn’t the case.

I wasn’t paying any attention to the movie when my phone vibrated with a notification. It was from IG. When I opened the app, I frowned.

Graham St. Claire had sent a follow request.

I panicked. What did it mean? Did he follow every girl he hooked up with?

I was paralyzed for a brief second before declining his request. I wasn’t under his spell anymore.

I wasn’t going to do something stupid with him again.

***

On Sunday, I woke up and went down to the kitchen.

My mom was cooking, and she frowned when she noticed I was still in my PJs.

“You’re not going to the community center?” she asked.

Since freshman year, I had volunteered each Sunday to collect supplies and clothes for the homeless, orphans, and kids in the system. I had never missed a day, until today.

Like a chicken, I was avoiding Jacob. I knew he would be there. An earthquake could be going on at this moment and he wouldn’t miss community service. In fact, he would even work extra hours after the havoc left by the catastrophe.

After Friday night, I couldn’t face him. My shame was palpable and visible on my face.

“I’m not feeling okay,” I answered.

My mom’s frown deepened as she studied me. “Are you sick?”

I didn’t like to lie to my parents. I wasn’t sick per se, but I didn’t feel good at all.

I nodded. “I have a headache.”

I also felt dirty and had taken three showers, trying to scrape my skin off, but nothing I did could erase Friday night. St. Claire’s hands and kisses were imprinted on my skin like tattoos.

Mom walked to me and pressed her hand against my forehead. “You don’t have a fever,” she said. I must have looked disgraceful since her features softened. “Do you want me to cook you something?”

“Please,” I said. “Can I eat in my room?”

“Of course, Hazel.” I must have seriously looked awful if she was allowing that.

I smiled weakly at her, and she rushed me to my room, saying she’d take my breakfast up when it was ready. When she arrived with my pancakes, she frowned at me.

“Is something else going on?” She sauntered to my bed and placed the dish on my bed.

Tears began to leak from my eyes as I bit my lip. Nothing was fine.

I looked down, sniffing. “Jacob broke up with me.”

“Oh no, honey. When?”

“Friday.” I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

Mom sat next to me and hugged me. “What happened?”

I shrugged in her arms. “I don’t know,” I confessed. “He didn’t give me any reason. He said it was time to end things and that we had changed. I don’t get it because I thought everything was okay. I don’t see how we’ve changed.”

After giving my trust, heart, and energy to a relationship for three years, I was blindsided when it suddenly ended. I was confused and guilty. I’d thought I knew Jacob, but I didn’t read his longing to break up with me. I felt cheated since he didn’t want to try to fix it. If I were in his position, I would fight for our relationship.

Everything was exhausting and dizzying.

“I’m sorry to hear that. That guy loved you so much.”

Her words broke me down as I cried in her arms. If he loved me so much, then why had he broken up with me without a fight? I was so confused.

“I’m sure you can talk again and make up,” Mom reassured me, but I didn’t believe her.

For the rest of the day, I stayed holed up in my bedroom. Melissa came over and we continued watching movies and eating white chocolate. We hadn’t discussed Friday night. When I’d searched for her that night and insisted we leave, she didn’t question me.

I felt like a shitty friend for not asking her about her incredible night with the guy, but I was panicking after committing my terrible mistake. I was lost in my head. And right now, I didn’t want to bring the topic to the table.

“Where did you go at the party? At one point, I searched for you and didn’t find you,” she eventually said next to me.

All my hope to avoid the topic vanished.

I scrunched my nose. “Nowhere interesting, to be honest. But what about you? Nothing going between you two? Ha! It didn’t look like that on Friday.”

She blushed, biting her lip. Any remaining questions she had about my whereabouts on Friday were forgotten. It was a reprieve.

Melissa related to me in detail all about the night. I was happy for her. I didn’t know the guy yet, but he seemed nice.

Once Melissa was gone, I tossed in bed, dreading Monday.

I was praying I was correct and nothing went amiss. Graham would go back to ignoring me and rumors wouldn’t reach Jacob’s ears.

I needed it to be that way.

I wouldn’t know what to do if it didn’t turn out as such.