For once, I arrived for a scheduled event early instead of late. Lunch with Kim.
The renovated cafeteria was nice. All new and improved and exactly as I expected.
It had high ceilings, and bright sunlight streamed through a wall of windows. Fresh plants lined the perimeter. The buffet area was all stainless steel.
For a fleeting moment, I wondered:
I’d probably be dating some nice bloke.
Maybe we’d go to the football games or the movies and have “study dates.”
Like the dates where you pretend you’re going to quiz each other on the exam material but then end up just making out.
Kim and I would hang out more, for sure.
Maybe we’d share a dormitory on campus and decorate it with all these kitschy knick-knacks and actually get along.
Maybe we would invite our little girlfriend group over for movie nights or board games on rainy afternoons. Or pizza parties where everyone brings a topping.
Sure, we’d drink and go out to bars, but it would be nothing like the rough, hole-in-the-wall scenes I was accustomed to.
And I’d get a degree.
In whatever area of study. It didn’t matter. Everyone knew that having it was all employers cared about.
Maybe it would guarantee me an actual job. A job that didn’t involve literal murder.
Like, a gig in an office or something. Where I’d wear a skirt and make copies and chat about the weather over a fresh pot of coffee.
It would be boring—but solid.
And then, maybe, I would actually be financially stable enough to have a child and raise them right. To be a good mom, maybe.
I shook my head, clearing away the visions.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
All the fucking maybes.
But the fact was: that ship had sailed.
I scanned the crowd for Kim. It wasn’t long before I spotted her bright blonde hair, pulled back into a ponytail, bent down over an open textbook.
Sitting all alone. Studying so intently even in the bloody cafeteria.
Yup, that was my sister.
In a knee-length dress and simple cardigan, she fit in with all the rich kids. Students by day, with tennis or a family meal in the evening.
Then they’d throw off the cardigans.
Suddenly, they made me sick.
I felt out of place in my cut-off jean shorts, worn singlet, and muddy runners. The strap on my backpack was held tight with a couple safety pins.
As I made a beeline toward Kim, I noticed she was actually with someone.
Out of nowhere, she pounded her fists upon the table and glared up across at them, clearly frustrated.
Instantly curious, I slowed my pace and moved behind a huge potted plant nearby instead. Through the ferns, I saw tears falling down her now-raised face.
She was…crying?
Why was she crying?
“I can’t do it. I just can’t,” she said, pushing the textbook away. “It’s too hard, and my brain just doesn’t work this way. I can’t get these terms and systems into my head!”
What the hell?
Was this…a tutoring session?
I thought Kim was doing well in school.
She certainly put in the time and effort.
A twinge indicated I felt bad for my twin, and probably wouldn’t be yelling at her after all.
Her tutor nudged the book back to Kim. Sounding like a coach gearing up for a game, she said, “You want this, right? You want to do well on your exams, because you want to be a doctor.”
Kim sniffled.
“Yeah, I do,” she replied. “I mean, I think I do. I don’t even know anymore. I want to help people and I care about health and wellness, but the classes are just getting so much harder...”
Her voice started to shake as she continued. “I can’t tell you whether amino acids are positively, negatively, or neutrally charged and I have a quiz over it in the morning! All of this... It’s not working.”
“Well, make it work. By working harder.”
“I’m already working so fucking hard!” Kim snapped at a higher volume, and a few heads turned in her direction.
I didn’t even have to spy. She was hardly inconspicuous.
Lowering her voice, she said, “I study all goddamn day.”
The tutor shrugged. “Well then study at night, too. You know, instead of going out or whatever.”
Kim’s body became rigid. “You have no fucking clue what I have to take care of at night.”
The tutor stood and began packing up her things. “Well, thankfully for both of us, the session’s up.”
Kim handed her a few bills with a muttered, “Um, thanks.”
I crouched down further behind the plant, to avoid being seen as the tutor began walking my way.
“Same time next week?” Kim called meekly after her.
The tutor turned back. “Uh, I don’t think so. Sorry, Kim.”
As she exited the cafeteria, Kim’s face crumbled. She dropped her head into her hands, dejected.
I didn’t know what to do. But I tried my best to look casual as I strolled over to her.
At a few steps away, I coughed to give her a little heads-up.
And, as if a switch had been flicked, Kim’s entire disposition changed.
“Oh my gosh, Abby!” she sang brightly, standing up straight. “Sister! Hello! Hi!”
She pulled me into a hug.
With a smirk, she said, “I assumed you’d be running behind.”
“You always have so much faith in me,” I returned.
Kim gestured to the empty chair. “You can throw your stuff down here. Then let’s go grab some grub!”
She beamed at me expectantly.
But her smile did not match the emotion in her eyes.
I feigned concerned surprise. “Uh, are you okay, Kim? Your, um…eyes are kind of red and puffy.”
Waving her hands, Kim dismissed me right away. “Oh. Oh my gosh, no, I’m fine. Just some…new mascara.
“I think it’s a little allergic reaction,” she continued. “Nothing serious, no biggie. Don’t you worry about me, Abby. We are here to talk about you!”
I groaned inwardly but managed to fake a smile reflecting Kim’s.
“Can’t wait,” I chirped.
And at that, I considered another career option, for both Kim and myself.
We would make great fucking actresses.
Somehow, I kept myself together as we made our way through the cafeteria buffet.
Abby got chicken fingers, a huge basket of chips, and a soda.
I kind of wished she’d ordered a salad, like I did, but whatever.
I charged it all to my student account, acting like I did that every day.
In reality, my balance was dangerously low, and I was surprised I had enough for the two of us.
The fact that I had any meal points at all was only possible thanks to Trigger and Brad’s contribution from a few weeks ago. That money was keeping us afloat.
We actually had a meeting scheduled to discuss financial options for the club.
I prayed something good would come out of that. I was ready to offer some ideas.
But in the meantime, my focus was on my sister.
I waited until we were settled and comfortable. Then I said, “So, Abby. Do you want to talk first, or do you want to listen?”
“Listen,” she decided.
“Okay, so—”
But almost immediately, she interrupted. “I’m just not prepared in any way. And sure, I could run around trying to get ready, whatever that means...
“Like, gather the necessary—I don’t know—supplies, or whatever,” she continued. “Find a crib, start setting aside money. But it would be so rushed. And all external, not internal.”
Wow. Abby never revealed that much.
She blinked, equally surprised. “Wow, Kim, how’d you get me to say all that?”
I shrugged. I hadn’t done anything.
Not that I knew of.
In conclusion, my sister said, “It would be...doable for a child, but not the best.”
“Well, it sounds like your mind is pretty made up. So then why don’t you just go to the clinic right now?” I asked.
Now Abby shrugged, at a loss.
After considering the question for a bit, she said, “Honestly, I keep asking myself the same thing.”
“I was the same way,” I admitted. “It’s because you love and respect Reaper, right? He’s the love of your life. Your one and only and all that.”
Abby averted my gaze, picking at her food. “Uh, right.”
“That’s what Trigger was to me, too. And he actually also wanted me to keep it, I mean...the last time. Just like Reaper.”
“Seriously?”
I nodded.
“And while I genuinely cherished his input, like I found it really touching and all, the truth is that pregnancy simply doesn’t affect men the same way it affects women.”
“Exactly!” Abby said. “Damn, Kim, you really are the smart one.”
If only she knew how much that meant to me right now.
But keeping my cool, I continued, “It was really hard to admit I wasn’t prepared. And you, at least, have already overcome that. You’re being really rational, Abby. It’s impressive.”
She glanced down at her hands in her lap.
I think she was blushing.
“If you want to go to the clinic, I’ll come with you,” I said. “But of course, you’d have to come home first. You’re not still tied up with Hellbound, are you?”
At that, my sister turned rigid.
Her eyes hardened. Her shield was back up.
Backpedaling, I said, “I mean, like, they’re not forcing you into doing hits or anything, right?”
Silence.
“Abby, you can be honest with me. There are no, like, spies around here,” I joked.
“What does that mean?” I asked slowly.
“It means I can make my own choices.”
I tried to keep the condescension in my face moderate but couldn’t restrain myself from letting out a big sigh. “Oh God, Abby.”
At that, she rolled her eyes. “I’m out of here.”
“Wait, what? Hey, I didn’t mean to sound…”
But, per usual, she was already collecting her belongings to leave.
Always one foot out the door.
She flung her backpack over one shoulder and ran out, gone in seconds.
Fresh tears welled in my eyes as anger, shame, and confusion flashed through me.
