The door closed so quietly I almost didn’t hear it. Amber was talking, but when I realized what it was, I stopped listening to her. I hated myself for it, but I strained to hear some sign of Ramsey still in the house. Something that told me he didn’t sneak out the back door and leave me to explain to our daughter why her father disappeared.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’d done it, but it sucked. When he first moved out, he couldn’t face her. He told me he’d talk to her, but he never did, and after two days of her constant questions about when he was going to be home, I admitted to our daughter that her daddy wasn’t coming home. He didn’t want to live with Mommy anymore, and because he didn’t want to live with Mommy, he wasn’t going to live with her.
Every word out of my mouth felt like a gut punch.
Amber was mad at me then, but after a few days, she was okay with how things were. She was always okay. It was one of the things I admired about her.
I dragged my focus back to her after a minute and stopped worrying about my husband. Until Amber asked where he was.
“Daddy had to go, sweetie. I’m sorry.”
“But he didn’t say goodbye to me. Is he mad at me?”
I shook my head. “No, sweet girl. He forgot about something and had to go. I’m sure he’ll call later so he can talk to you.”
Amber nodded, but she didn’t bounce back like usual. This whole thing was weighing on her as much as it was me, and if Ramsey’s weird, angry behavior was any indication, the three of us weren’t going to be a family again.
I sent Ramsey a text later that day and asked him to call Amber when he had a chance because she was upset he left without saying goodbye. When he called, I handed the phone to her without even answering it. I’d had enough of him for one day.
Amber and I spent the rest of the day inside. We watched movies and had a dance party and curled up in her bed at night to read another chapter of Charlotte’s Web. When she fell asleep, I went through the house cleaning up.
I walked into my bedroom and immediately knew I forgot something. I turned on the light, expecting to see my bed a mess from Ramsey sleeping there, but the covers were exactly how I left them. Amber said when she got up no one was there, so I knew he didn’t sleep on the couch. That left one place.
I went down the hall to the guest room. One of the rooms I’d hoped to turn into a nursery one day. We had just started planning Steven’s room when I lost him. It remained storage, a room full of items for a child who would never be born. But the guest room…that was only a nursery in my mind.
I painted it a soft green color when we moved in. It would have been easy to add pink to it and make it suitable for a girl or add blue and fix it up for a boy. Instead, it was a guest room. Another room in a house that was too big for a family that was too small.
I took a deep breath and stripped the tangled sheets from the bed. Because I was weak, I pressed my nose to the pillowcase and breathed in the scent of my husband. Tears sprang to my eyes and heat pooled low in my gut. I hated that I still wanted him as much as I did. Walking in that morning and seeing him, rumpled and sleepy, reminded me of all the times he’d woken me up before he went to work. Times when he was late to work because he didn’t leave the bed until much later than he should have.
I choked back the tears and shoved the sheets into the corner of the room. I’d deal with them some other time. I wasn’t strong enough when I was hurt and angry and horny.
Damn him.
“You should start dating,” Sharon said kindly.
My eyebrows went up. “What? Did you hear what I just said? I was sniffing the sheets my husband slept in.”
Sharon nodded. “I heard you, Melody. That’s why I think you should start dating. You need physical contact. You want someone in your life.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
Sharon smiled. “You’re never going to be ready.”
Sharon had been my therapist since I lost Steven. The depression almost killed me. I had no desire to live for a while. Even knowing Amber was there wasn’t enough for me. I hated myself for not protecting my son when he was still inside my body. The doctors said I had a medical condition that made it impossible for him to thrive, and I felt responsible.
Which was why I was talking to Sharon. She helped me to see that losing Steven wasn’t my fault. She was trying to convince me losing Ramsey wasn’t either, but I knew that wasn’t true.
“It’s only been six months. We aren’t even divorced yet.”
Sharon nodded, her braids sliding over her shoulder as she leaned forward. “Melody, you’re never going to be ready. Women whose husbands die or cheat or something happens that tells you there’s no coming back will sometimes be ready. You and Ramsey, the two of you had a disagreement. It was a big one, but it was still a disagreement. No one cheated. No one did something unforgivable. Nothing happened that said your marriage is over and can never be recovered. That’s harder because you’re holding out hope.”
“I’m—”
“You know you can’t lie to me,” Sharon said with one dark eyebrow up.
I laughed and nodded. “Fine, you’re right. He was so mad Saturday. What if he was jealous?”
“What if he was? Are you going to give up your dream of having more kids?”
I sighed. “No.”
“Then nothing has changed.”
I nodded and choked back my disappointment. I wanted to believe Ramsey would come around. That he would see things my way and know I was right. We had the big house. We always talked about a big family. And I was fine.
But he…He left. He didn’t agree with me, and he left.
“I’ve been with Ramsey since I was in high school. I have no idea how to meet someone.”
“Online,” Sharon said simply as though I was foolish for not knowing.
“No. Online dating? No. That’s for people who can’t get a date.”
Sharon chuckled. “No, it’s not. It’s for people who want to meet someone. Sure, there are people on every site who just want to hook up, but there are also a lot of people who want to get to know someone they wouldn’t normally have a chance to get to know.”
I sighed again. Online dating. I’d gone from marrying the only man I’d ever loved to online dating. My life sucked.
“Fine. I’ll try it. But I’m not going out with someone if he’s creepy.”
“Of course not,” Sharon said with a laugh. “I would really hope you have better sense than that.”
I chuckled and tried to think of dating, and online dating, as a good idea. None of it was a good idea. But I had no choice in the matter because what I really wanted wasn’t going to happen. Ramsey was not coming back.
I didn’t hear from Ramsey the rest of the week, and by the weekend I decided to sign up for online dating. I hated every minute of filling out the endless questionnaire for Karissa’s Book Boyfriends Wanted app. Of all the options out there, hers seemed to be the best. I hated the idea of Karissa knowing I was using it, but I also felt a little better that she wasn’t going to rip me off.
Sunday afternoon Amber had a birthday party for one of her classmates. The mom and I had become friends, and I offered to help her with the party. Amber and I went over there an hour before the party was supposed to start armed with supplies to turn their house into party central.
I carried my bin to the door and smiled when Casey opened the door with wide eyes.
“Um, what is all that?” she asked, clearly scared.
“Hi, Makayla,” Amber said brightly.
“Amber!” Makayla shouted. “Mommy, can I show Amber my room?”
Casey nodded. “Of course. But when I call you, you need to come down.”
“Okay, Mommy. Let’s go,” Makayla said to Amber.
“That’s okay, right?” Casey asked me as the girls raced up the stairs.
“Yeah, of course. We’ll get everything set up faster without them trying to play with all of it,” I told her. She led me to the kitchen and motioned to the table for me to set the bin down.
“Okay, so what is all this?” Casey asked again.
“It’s a party in a box. Games, decorations, tableware, everything.”
“Are you serious? I was just going to let them run around the house and play. And I have plates and stuff.”
I nodded. “I know. And you can use whatever you want from here. Amber helped me pull it all together, so it’s all stuff she thinks Makayla will like. But it’s totally up to you.”
“Let’s see it.”
I smiled and opened the bin. I had collected items for years from dollar stores and party stores and clearance racks and everywhere I could think of. I had three more bins at home with similar items, but Amber chose the colors she thought Makayla would like. Pink, green, and white but no specific theme so they could add in whatever they wanted.
“Wow, this is…wow. I don’t have anything like all of this.”
I nodded and started pulling things out of the bin. I had games that went on the floor, games that sent them through the house, and games they played on the wall. I had decorations that could quickly transform any room including balloons, streamers, and centerpieces. I even had a few bags of candy in the same colors so we could create a treat bar or topping bar for the girls, depending on what fit with the party.
“How do you have all this stuff?” Casey asked, trying to take it all in.
“I really like throwing parties. I buy stuff when it’s on sale or when I have coupons, and when Amber wants a party, we have whatever we need. It makes everything a lot easier.”
“I wouldn’t even know what to get. I mean, who thinks about this stuff.”
I smiled.
“Okay, fine. You do. This is really just blowing me away,” Casey said. “All right, what do we do first?”
“I’d suggest we start with games. We can always set the table when the kids are here, and decorations are optional. But games will keep them from destroying your house.”
Casey nodded slowly. “Sounds good.”
I could tell she was overwhelmed, so I picked two games and handed her one to set up in the living room while I set the other one up in the kitchen. When she was done, she looked a little more relaxed.
“Are all the girls from class coming?” I asked as we started to hang streamers in the front hallway leading kids to the kitchen and living room.
Casey nodded. “Yeah. And so are all the parents.”
I rolled my eyes and groaned. Casey hummed in agreement. All the kids were sweet kids, but the same couldn’t be said for the parents. One of the moms was constantly trying to take over everything. I volunteered with her for the first class party and thought she was staff because of the way she directed everyone. It wasn’t until Casey told me she was a parent that I realized.
“Well, I guess we’re going to have to kill her with kindness because we can’t kill her for real,” Casey said.
I snorted and shook my head. “You’re trouble.”
“That’s why we’re friends.”
I nodded. Casey and her husband went through a separation before the school year started. They ended up in counseling and managed to tape things back together, according to Casey. When Ramsey showed up to meet the teacher separate from Amber and I, Casey quickly picked up on our situation and said she was willing to listen if I needed a friend.
“So, my therapist said I should start dating,” I told her, knowing I needed another opinion.
“Good. You totally should.”
“Really?” I asked her.
She nodded. “Absolutely. You can’t stay single forever.”
“I’m not single.”
Casey drew in a breath and sighed heavily. “I know. And I’m sorry. But you kind of are. I know you don’t want to hear that.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. I am single. My husband left me. He decided he doesn’t want to be with me.”
“It’s time you remembered how amazing you are. You know what? I think I might know someone I could set you up with.”
I shook my head again. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Casey put her hand on my arm. “He’s in a similar position you are. He’s still married but he’s separated. He isn’t sure what’s going to happen with his marriage. He’s someone you could talk to. You don’t have to fall in love with him and marry him, but I think he’s a good person for you to go out with. Easy.”
I sucked in a breath. “I’ll think about it.”
Casey nodded. “I totally get it. Let me know. And for the record, I thought about dating when Kyle and I were separated, but I didn’t have the guts. I give you a lot of credit for considering it.”
“I signed up for online dating,” I confessed.
“What? No.”
I nodded. “I don’t know if I’ll go out with a stranger, but maybe it’ll be easier than someone I actually know.”
“Except you could end up matched with someone you do know,” Casey said with a wrinkled nose.
I shrugged. “I’ll see how it goes. This would all be so much better if I didn’t have to do it at all.”
Casey hugged me from the side and put her head on my shoulder. “I know. And I’m sorry.”
I forced a smile and thanked her. We had just enough time to finish the streamers when the doorbell rang.
“Makayla! Come down and greet your guests!” Casey yelled as we walked to the front door.
The girls rushed down the stairs and yanked the door open before Casey and I made it. They all squealed, and the girls ran down the hall, leaving Casey and me to say hi to the mom.
The rest went pretty much the same. Makayla, Amber, and whoever else was there answered the door, screamed, and ran away, and Casey introduced herself and led the parents into the kitchen where finger foods and snacks lined the island.
By the time the last guest arrived, I was in the kitchen with the parents who were already there, and Casey answered the door on her own. I was smiling at something one of the moms said when Robin, the difficult mom, walked in.
My smile slid from my face as Robin took in the decorated room with pursed lips. She forced those lips into a smile when Casey asked if she wanted something to drink.
Casey rolled her eyes at me as she walked by, and I could have kissed her for taking away some of my tension. I had always been a people pleaser. I shied away from conflict and tried to make sure everyone liked me. I’d gotten better since having Amber, especially when she needed protection, but inside, a part of me was still that shy teenager who desperately wanted the boy I liked to notice me.
It always came back to Ramsey.
“This place is…cute,” Robin told Casey.
“Thanks,” Casey said brightly. “Melody is a genius with this stuff. She set it all up in about thirty minutes. Makayla loves it.”
Robin turned toward me and smiled. Her eyes scanned my curvy body then immediately dismissed me, leaving me to relive another part of high school when the cheerleaders found me not good enough to be friends.
There was a big part of me that knew I was better off not being friends with girls who had no interest in being friends with me, but back then I couldn’t see that. I just wanted people to like me.
Amber came rushing into the room with the other girls and threw herself at me, distracting me from Robin. I focused on my daughter, her pale skin flushed with the excitement of having a good time with her friends. “Mommy, we’re going to play a game. Can you help us?”
I nodded and brushed her hair back from her face. “Of course. Which game does Makayla want to play first?”
“Ring toss first. Right, Makayla?”
Makayla nodded, and I led the girls to the living room. We had a station set up for each kid and paper plates cut to form the rings so nothing in the house would get damaged.
“This is a great idea,” one of the moms told me.
“Thanks. It’s cheap and easy to do, and the kids like it.”
“Is this what you do for a living? Plan parties?” she asked.
I shook my head. “No, I’m a stay-at-home mom.”
“I am, too. We should get together sometime while the girls are in school. Coffee or something. If you’re interested. I’m Carly, by the way. It’s hard to keep up with who all the parents are. My daughter is Charlotte.”
I smiled. “Melody. Mine is Amber. And coffee would be great.”
We exchanged information and agreed to check our calendars and be in touch during the week. I was riding high until I noticed Robin staring at me.
