I was not interested in a confrontation. I just wanted to watch the kids have fun, enjoy talking to some of the other parents, and go home.
But Robin clearly had other plans.
“You did all this?” she asked when she walked over.
It wasn’t the question that bothered me, it was the tone. The one that said not only did she not believe I was capable of doing it but that she didn’t think I’d done a good enough job. I really wanted to remind her the party was for a six-year-old, not a clubhouse dinner with the MacKellars, if any of them ever returned to town. And the guest of honor loved her party.
“I did,” I said with a smile. “Makayla really likes pink and green so we decorated in her favorite colors.”
Robin pursed her lips and looked around the room again. “Where did you come up with these silly games?”
I locked my grin in place and promised myself a glass of wine after Amber went to bed if I didn’t rip Robin a new one in front of all the children. “The games are easy-to-make games that are good for indoors. Since it’s cold outside, we knew the kids would be indoor. And since Casey didn’t want her house destroyed, I picked some games that would be fun for the kids but we could set up a few different ones so they wouldn’t get bored waiting for someone else to have a turn.”
“They need to learn taking turns,” Robin said snidely.
I nodded. “I agree. But the excitement of a party is a time when kids usually forget their manners. They prefer to just be kids and have fun.”
Robin nodded sharply and pursed her lips again. Thankfully, before she asked me anything else, Casey called me over.
“I thought you could use a rescue,” she whispered when I reached her side.
I groaned quietly. “She’s such a… I don’t even know what.”
“Yes, you do. You just can’t say it with twelve six-year-olds running around.”
I chuckled. “True.”
“What did she even say? You looked like you were going to rip her head off.”
“The girls are loving the games. If you can’t be silly when you’re six, when can you be?”
“That’s what I said. She’s just too uptight. Everything has to be perfect in her world.”
Casey nodded. “I almost feel bad for her.”
“I feel bad for her husband and her daughter.” I paused then added, “Actually, no I don’t. She has a husband. I’m not going to feel sorry for him. If mine can walk out, then hers must be happier than Ramsey was.”
Emotion swelled up inside me at the realization that a horrible, uptight woman was better equipped to hold on to her husband than me. I was standing there judging her when I should have been asking her for advice.
“I’m mean,” I confessed.
Casey laughed softly. “We all are. Robin is mean to us, we’re mean to her. I don’t know anything about her. Maybe she’s a nice person, maybe she’s not, but—”
“I’m being petty. That’s not fair.”
“You don’t mean it,” Casey said soothingly.
I snorted. “I kind of do, but that doesn’t make it better. I just don’t deal well with people who judge others, and I’m standing here judging her. Wow, no wonder my husband left me.”
“He’ll be back,” Casey said.
I smiled at her, but she was trying to placate me. Ramsey wasn’t coming back. He was done with me. I always backed down when we fought, but this one time, I wanted something. I wanted to win. And I didn’t let him have his way, and he left. In truth, I wasn’t sure if that was the kind of marriage I should be in.
I stayed out of the way for the rest of the party, having my own pity party while the kids ate cake and Makayla opened her presents. Robin glanced at me once in a while, but she didn’t approach me again.
When the party was over, I helped Casey clean up and collected the stuff I brought that was still usable. Amber and Makayla played with all her new stuff while Casey and I made their house look normal again.
Casey offered me a glass of wine before we left, but I declined and told her we needed to get home. We didn’t, and I think Casey knew that, but she didn’t push.
At home, Amber was still bouncing off the walls. She wanted to have a dance party in the living room, so we pushed the couch against the wall and turned up the music. I resisted, but seeing how happy Amber was made me smile and I started to dance.
“This is fun, Mommy!” Amber shouted as we shook and spun and danced to the crazy music she picked.
I had to admit she was right. I laughed with her and let go of all my tension. My life was changing. Gone were the dreams I grew up with, the dreams I’d held on to for the last twenty years. Ramsey wasn’t interested in being married to me, and that hurt, a lot, but it didn’t mean my life was over. Everything I needed was right in that room.
Amber kept dancing and giggling. I wished she never knew the pain I was going through. Hopefully she’d choose the right person to be with when she was older. The person who made her happy and never wanted to spend a minute away from her.
That was all a parent could wish for their child. Happiness. And I wished it for her. Hard.
When Amber was worn out and collapsed dramatically on the couch, I turned down the music and we put on a movie. Sundays were our lazy days. We sat around and did as little as possible, and after a busy party, we needed extra lazy time. Which meant ordering delivery.
Amber decided on pizza, so I called in the order while she sang along with the movie. I grabbed paper plates and two cups of water and settled in with her to watch and wait for the pizza to show up.
When I looked at my phone, I saw a notification from Book Boyfriends Wanted, the dating app. I pulled it up and was surprised to find I had two matches. Wow. I looked at both of them and read the details the guys wrote in their bios.
Who was I kidding? I wasn’t picky. I just wanted companionship at that point. I wasn’t desperate for sex yet, which was why I went off my birth control, but someone to talk to who wouldn’t get in trouble for swearing and wasn’t delivering me food would be nice.
The doorbell rang, and Amber bounced up, rushing for the door. “You know you don’t answer the door without me,” I told her.
She paused and waited for me to catch up. I looked through the peephole and nodded to her to open the door. The pizza guy smiled at her then focused on me. We traded cash for food and said goodnight while Amber closed the door.
She sniffed enthusiastically when I opened the box. “Yummy.”
I chuckled and put a slice of pizza on her plate. She blew on it for about two seconds, then took a bite. She spit it right back out and fanned her mouth.
“Is it hot?”
She nodded. “It burned my mouth.”
“Drink some water and blow on it before you take a big bite.”
I watched out of the corner of my eye as she ignored my advice and went back for another bite after two more seconds of blowing on her pizza. She didn’t spit it out, but she chewed with her mouth open.
I couldn’t really blame her. I was just as excited about the pizza as she was. Ordering in was a treat for us. I felt guilty being a stay-at-home mom and not having dinner ready every night, so I worked to make sure everything was done. And since Ramsey left, I tried to watch our money even more. I knew I needed to get a job, and soon, but Ramsey hadn’t said anything yet. Aside from his comment about the house still being his because he was paying for it.
The pizza was gooey and delicious and I loved every bite of it. A part of me knew I shouldn’t reach for a second slice, but I told that part to stop complaining and enjoyed the second slice just as much as the first. I seriously considered a third, too. Because I was hungry, and no one was going to judge me for the amount of food I ate.
When we were done with pizza, I put the leftovers in the fridge and settled on the couch with Amber again. She continued singing songs and mouthing along with the actors as they spoke their lines. We’d watched the movie so many times I knew most of the lines, too, but I let Amber sing along by herself.
Amber started yawning not long after the movie ended, so we cleaned up and she got in the bath. She barely made it through the first page of the chapter, so I kept reading but put the bookmark at the beginning so we could read the chapter again.
Then I poured myself a glass of wine and sat down on the couch with my phone. I wasn’t sure what I was more afraid of, the men on the app or the phone call I needed to make.
I looked at the time and sucked down a healthy gulp of my wine, then tapped the screen and called my mother.
Shudder.
“Melody,” she answered coolly.
“Hi, Mother. How are you?”
She huffed. Nothing was ever good with her. Nothing was ever bad with her either. She just existed. “I’m fine, Melody. How is Amber?”
“Amber is good. She had a party today and helped me set it all up. They had a great time. Lots of kids running around and being kids.”
“Kids shouldn’t be allowed to run wild. They should be taught the proper way to behave.”
I stifled my groan and pursed my lips. “Amber is being taught the proper way to behave. And when she’s with her friends, she should be silly and have fun.”
“You can have fun without being out of control. Or maybe you’ve forgotten that since you no longer have a husband who is helping you raise your child.”
The barb was a good one. My mother knew exactly what to say to make sure I knew what she thought of my life choices. Talking to her once a week was an exercise in self-control because God forbid I actually showed some damn emotion. People weren’t supposed to get upset about silly things like their parents not caring if they were sad or mad. All that mattered was not upsetting my mother.
“How’s Dad?” I asked, hoping for nothing more than a subject change.
“He’s fine,” she said with the same tone she used for every word she spoke. “He went to dinner with a friend tonight.”
“You didn’t want to go?”
She huffed. “And listen to them talk about fishing and golfing and spending time on their boats this summer? No.”
Sometimes I wondered how my parents ended up together. My mother was so cold and indifferent to the world, and my dad had friends and went out and enjoyed life. He told me once he’d been in love with her forever, and that she wasn’t always so uptight, but I didn’t know that side of her. I only knew the woman who told me emotions should only be shown when no one is around to see them.
My childhood was not much fun.
“What are you doing this week?” I asked her, again trying to find a topic that wouldn’t upset her.
“I have lunch on Tuesday and my knitting club on Wednesday. You know this already, Melody.”
I rolled my eyes at myself. She’d had the same schedule for years. She always met with the same women, and they were all the same uptight and cold women. I really didn’t understand them at all.
“I do. I was wondering if you had anything different going on this week.”
“Most of us don’t have the luxury of free time. I still work every day. Grocery shopping and cleaning the house and preparing meals for your father and me. The things you should be doing if you ever want your husband to come back.”
“Oh, sorry, Mom. Amber is calling me. I need to go.”
“You should let her learn to self-soothe, Melody. She’s old enough that she shouldn’t be waking you up at night.”
“Okay, thanks. I need to go. Love you.”
“Good night, Melody.”
I hung up the phone and sank back against the couch, almost feeling guilty for lying about my daughter to get my mother off the phone. It was a wonder I ever felt anything for Ramsey after a mother like her. She’d been berating me for letting my husband walk out the door, and I was tired of hearing it. Mostly because all the things she said were the same things I thought.
If I’d been a better wife, he wouldn’t have left.
If I’d let him have his way, he wouldn’t have left.
If I’d given up on my dream of a big family, he wouldn’t have left.
Of course my mother saw each of those as bigger sins than murder. Killing someone who deserved it was okay in her book, but letting your husband walk out the door was not.
I was pretty sure her priorities were screwed up, but she was the one with a husband at home every night, just like Robin, and I was the one wondering what Ramsey spent his nights doing.
I ignored my phone, and the messages on the app, and started cleaning up. There wasn’t much out since we spent most of the day at Casey’s, but I still wanted to make sure the house was picked up by the morning.
When I was done, I went back to the couch to watch a movie. About halfway through, I poured myself another glass of wine and tried to pretend my life had actually turned out the way I hoped it would.
A bunch of kids running around, my husband curled up next to me in bed every night, and happiness for all of us.
My fantasy only got me so far. The romantic comedy on the screen made me want to yell at the heroine that she had no idea what she had when she told the hero she was done with him. Thankfully, she had a friend who was willing to call her out and make her see where she went wrong. She apologized, and they were able to live happily ever after.
Too bad it wasn’t that easy for me.
I turned off the TV and put my wine glass in the sink. I looked in on Amber then went to my room alone.
Dammit, I hated that.
“Melody?” a male voice said from behind me Monday morning at drop off.
I turned and smiled at Amber’s friend’s dad. Scott, maybe? Or Sean? Something with an S.
“Good morning,” I said with a smile.
“Morning. How are you? I haven’t seen you lately.”
I helped Amber hang up her coat and set her sneakers on the floor so she could change out of her boots. “I’m great. Thanks. How are you?”
He grinned. “I’m doing good. Really good. I’m running off to work, but I wondered if maybe we could get dinner. Tomorrow night?”
“Um, tomorrow?” I stammered, wondering how I was going to get out of it. It wasn’t that he wasn’t good looking, or that he wasn’t a nice man, but he wasn’t my husband.
“You said Aunt Willow is coming over tomorrow night, Mommy,” Amber provided. Then she turned to Scott and said, “My Aunt Willow likes to babysit me because she doesn’t have any kids. Maybe Gina can come over, too, and Aunt Willow can play with both of us so you and Mommy can go out to dinner.”
Scott, I was pretty sure it was Scott, grinned widely and met my gaze. I tried to think of something, but there was nothing I could say to put him off.
“That sounds like a great plan, Amber. I love the way you think.”
I smiled and forced myself to nod.
“Is six okay?” he asked.
“Sure, that sounds good. Is there anything Gina doesn’t eat or any allergies she has?”
He shook his head, his grin taking over his whole face. “Nope. She likes pretty much everything.”
I nodded. “Sounds good. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow night then.”
He nodded. “Definitely. I’m looking forward to it.”
I smiled, then turned to Amber again. She had one shoe on, so I helped her with the other one and made sure she had what she needed from her backpack before going into her classroom.
I thought I was home free until I realized Scott was standing there waiting for me.
“Can I walk you out?” he asked.
I smiled and nodded. I really needed to figure out how to act around other adults. Especially adults that were men and wanted to date me.
“What are you up to today?” he asked as we walked down the hallway.
“Cleaning the house, cooking, grocery shopping. Stuff like that.”
“That’s nice,” Scott said. “I wish I had time to do more of that. I always feel like the bad parent when Gina stays with me. I do my best to get foods I know she likes, but it’s hard to stay on top of everything. Sara used to do all that.”
I nodded and remembered he went through a divorce a few years ago. I didn’t know either of them well, but since MacKellar Cove was so small, I knew who they were. Gina was a few months older than Amber, but until they were in kindergarten together, I hadn’t met Scott or Sara.
“The adjustment was tough. That’s something people don’t tell you before you get divorced. Losing the person you thought would be with you forever is hard enough, but the complete upheaval of everything you got used to was a constant reminder that nothing would be the same again.”
I nodded. “I’m learning that. Nothing has been easy, and for us it’s only been a few months.”
“It’ll get better. But there will always be things about divorce that are hard. For me, the hardest part was accepting I won’t have more kids.”
My ears perked up. “You wanted more kids?”
He smiled. “I did. I always imagined having a big family. It was one of the things we fought about. One of the reasons we ended up getting divorced.”
“I know the feeling.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded.
We reached my van and paused. Scott reached for me and for a second, I froze. Then he flattened my crooked collar and smiled. “I’m really looking forward to tomorrow, Melody.”
I nodded. “Me, too,” I told him honestly. Because if I was going to date, a man who wanted more kids was definitely going to top my list. “Me, too.”
