“I understand. Thank you for calling,” I repeated for the third time. I just wanted to end the call. But he kept talking.
“I really wish there was something we could do, Ms. Holbrook. I tried, but there aren’t any positions at other schools within the district. I will provide you with a good reference. I was really hoping to keep you.” Christian was a nice man, and a good boss, but he was not a miracle worker. Unfortunately for me.
“Thank you for that. I appreciate it.”
“Will you let me know where you end up finding a job? I’d really like to know you land on your feet.”
“Sure, I’ll let you know.”
“Thank you, Ms. Holbrook. And I really am sorry.”
“Thanks.”
I finally managed to hang up the phone and closed my eyes. My chest was tight, and my lungs were too full. There was a tickle in the back of my throat that was suspiciously similar to how it felt when I cried.
It wasn’t that I was so disappointed to lose the temporary job I had for more than half the year working in the school cafeteria. It was a good job, and an important one, but I couldn’t say I felt it was what I wanted to do forever. Still, it was a job. A job that paid a decent amount and allowed me to work while my kids were in school and be home any time they were. It was pretty close to perfect.
And now it was gone.
The child support and alimony I received every month covered most of our expenses, but not everything. After a few months, I was getting into debt, which was why I took the job in the cafeteria. That money helped pay for the fun in our lives, like trips to the movies, Cameron’s soccer, Alexis’s dance, and all the books the kids could want. It also meant we weren’t eating ramen noodles or mac and cheese every night.
Without that job, I couldn’t provide for my kids the way I wanted to.
The scratchy feeling in my throat sent a tear running down my cheek. I wiped it away, but another one followed right after it. I closed my eyes and gave in to the overwhelming feeling of disappointment in myself. The choices I made a decade ago to avoid this were coming back to bite me in the ass, and pushing me right back into the situation I tried to avoid all along.
Except this time, I had two kids involved. Funny how history seemed to repeat itself. Or, you know, not funny at all.
Gavin’s voice reached my ears before his heavy footsteps echoed up the stairs. I stuffed all the emotions down and erased any evidence of my tears. Eventually, I would tell him what was going on, but not yet. I needed to figure out a next step before I started talking to everyone about it.
By the time he knocked on my door, I had my hand on the knob and was getting ready to walk out. I plastered on the best fake smile I could dredge up and opened the door. “Hey. What’s going on?”
He tilted his head to the side. He knew me too well and saw something, but he also saw the pretend grin I was hiding behind and didn’t push. “I was just coming up to see if you were interested in going outside with me and the kids. They want to have a water balloon fight. I’m outnumbered. I need all the help I can get.
I laughed and nodded. “Yes, you do. They’re feisty.”
“And sneaky,” he added. He winked and led the way to the stairs and outside, where the kids were lying in wait for us.
The first balloon exploded against the porch railing next to me. I screamed and jumped away. “What the heck?”
“They have help!” Gavin ducked away from me as the next one popped on my feet.
I laughed and walked down the last step, scanning the yard for them. The wide open space didn’t have many places to hide, but giggles told me where to search.
Behind the Inn’s truck.
“It’s game on!” Gavin shouted, racing toward the truck with a balloon in each hand.
Piper shouted, “Run! He’s armed and dangerous!”
Cameron and Alexis squealed and took off toward the open grass. Both were carrying brightly colored balloons that they’d forgotten about. The smiles on their faces and the pink in their cheeks made my heart feel like it was going to burst like one of the water balloons.
This was why we came.
Gavin popped a balloon on Piper’s head, and she laughed loudly. She handed him a balloon, and they both went after the kids. I leaned against the paint-chipped porch railing and watched the four of them run and laugh and play.
I felt the same way they did when I was little and used to visit MacKellar Cove. I laughed and had fun. I knew life could be like that. Uncle Rob would joke around with Gavin and me, just like Gavin was doing with my kids.
It seemed like a lifetime ago that I felt that way. I imagined my life would be like that. Hard work running the Inn, but plenty of happy, playful times to balance it out. I wanted that for myself and my children.
I would have had it, too, but I changed everything before I could. And my children were shortchanged. Instead of all their summers being like this one, we would only have one summer of fun. Once we got back to Pittsburgh, I was going to have to find a job, likely one that meant they would go to an after-school program and camp throughout the school breaks and summer. I let myself get swept up in the fantasy world of what life was like if you had money, and I was finally learning the price for that choice.
“Come play, Mommy!” Alexis called out.
I faked another smile and walked out behind her. She dodged a balloon thrown her way and took off. The four of them weaved around the yard, staying away from the cove and the garden.
I tore my eyes from the garden and tried to forget about Sebastian. I wanted him to be happy. It wasn’t fair to wish things were different.
A water balloon hit my side and soaked my clothes. The stream of water trickled down my leg and squished into my shoe. I scoffed and looked around for the culprit, knowing before I spotted my brother that he was the only one who would do it.
If I was only going to have one fun summer with the kids, I might as well try to enjoy it. I grabbed a balloon and went in search of a target.
After the water balloon fight, we all showered and got cleaned up for dinner. Aunt Gina was picky about Friday night dinners, so we were all dressed nicely and ready to go to the Inn on time. Even Cameron was wearing a collared shirt and khaki shorts. He was complaining about them, but he wore them.
Alexis skipped ahead of us on the walk over to the Inn. She was definitely in a hurry for dinner. The water balloon fight took more out of her than I realized. I hoped that meant I could put the kids to bed early and start looking for jobs right away.
Alexis disappeared into the Inn, leaving Cameron and me to follow behind her. His slumped shoulders sat not too far below mine and reminded me how fast he was growing.
“Thanks for cleaning up the water balloons earlier. You were a big help.”
He shrugged those too-big-for-his-age shoulders and said nothing. Third grade was going to bring a lot of changes. I hoped one of those changes wouldn’t be losing my oldest.
“Why didn’t Dad come with us?” Cameron asked when we got to the door.
I paused and pulled my hand back from the handle. “You know Daddy and I aren’t married anymore.”
“I know he doesn’t live with us, but I don’t really know why. Why can’t I live with him?”
The pain that shot through my chest would have been comical if it weren’t so damn hurtful. I forced a smile. “Daddy works long hours and isn’t home much. Just like when he lived with us. We decided it was better if you and Alexis lived with me.”
“I don’t think it’s better. I wanted to see him this summer. He said we could go to a baseball game.”
How many times had Trevor made promises to him and not kept them? Of course, I always had to be the bad guy and either break Cameron’s heart or have an excuse ready when Trevor did. I never wanted Cameron to feel like he wasn’t important to his dad. It was a horrible feeling, one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
“We’re not that far from Pittsburgh. We’ll make a baseball game work.”
I was done being the one disappointing my son. I had to make the summer fun. I had to.
Cameron shrugged and let himself into the Inn. I took a deep breath and followed him, hoping everything would work out.
The kitchen smelled like heaven. Aunt Gina scooped vegetables from the pan on the stovetop to a large bowl. When she saw me, she nodded for me to carry it into the dining room.
I kissed Aunt Gina’s cheek and asked how her day was.
“Good. It’s Friday.”
I smiled and wished I had half of her excitement for life. I grabbed the bowl and walked into the dining room. I scanned the room for my kids, knowing they had to be there somewhere. Cameron was hanging around Gavin, but Alexis was… Where was Alexis?
I set the bowl down and moved through the crowd of people. There was a small part of me that said nothing had happened to her and that she was safe in the Inn, but the bigger part of me tended to be paranoid and anxious when my kids weren’t in sight.
I kept walking through the main dining room that overflowed with people chatting and laughing. She wasn’t in there. I headed out to the overflow dining room, the one that was always open in case there were that many people for dinner. Finally. Toward the back of the room was a small table, and at that table were Alexis, Sebastian, and Sofia.
Great.
My relief was short-lived, but the encounter was inevitable. It had been twenty-four hours since we arrived, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before I had to say hello to Sebastian. After seeing him and Sofia in the garden the day before, I was looking forward to speaking to him even less, but obviously, my daughter didn’t have the same worries.
“Alexis, I was looking for you,” I said, flashing an apologetic smile at Sofia and deftly avoiding Sebastian’s gaze. It was easier to apologize to his girlfriend than it was to address the man himself.
“Sebastian said I could have dinner with him and Sofia.”
“Ms. Sofia,” I corrected her. I’d lost the battle in getting her to address Sebastian as Mr. Sebastian, but she was not going to be overly familiar with his girlfriend.
“She said I could call her Sofia,” Alexis argued.
I glanced at Sofia and caught the wince before she smiled at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was an issue.”
“It’s fine,” I told her, forcing another smile. I wasn’t upset with her, or Alexis, but the entire situation was more than a little unnerving.
“Will you join us?” Sofia asked.
I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. I closed it again as my gaze drifted to Sebastian. He was looking past me, as though I wasn’t even there. I deserved it, but it still hurt. He hadn’t acknowledged me at all. Not that I’d spoken to him, but this was his girlfriend.
“I have Cameron, too. And I’m sure you two want a quiet dinner alone,” I said, hoping my smile wasn’t as fragile as my heart.
“There’s no need for that. Why don’t you grab another chair and you can all sit with us? I’d love to get to know you all better,” Sofia insisted.
I wasn’t sure how to get out of it and found myself agreeing. “I’m going to help Aunt Gina. I’ll be back shortly. Alexis, stay here.”
“I will, Mommy. Sebastian told me I couldn’t get up because he didn’t want you to worry. I won’t leave him.” Alexis smiled up at her favorite person. My gaze followed hers and collided with his. His gaze held me prisoner for a long moment, making it impossible for me to look away or think about it. His eyes darkened, almost imperceptibly, then closed, breaking the hold he had on me. When they opened again, he did not look at me, dismissing me without a word.
I thanked Sofia and Sebastian quietly as I hurried away. An entire dinner with them? It was the least I deserved. I knew that without a doubt as I left them behind. It was going to be a long summer.
Aunt Gina thanked everyone for coming and introduced Cameron, Alexis, and me to the crowd. Throughout dinner, guests stopped at our table to say hello and welcome us back for the summer. It was nice to have the distraction from the uncomfortable dinner situation we were in.
Cameron sulked through most of dinner, not saying much to either Sofia or Sebastian. I wanted to apologize for him, but my behavior wasn’t much better. I didn’t know what to say to either of them, and I definitely couldn’t ask what I wanted to ask.
How long had they been together?
Were they happy?
Why was I so stupid and gave him up?
For years, I told myself I hoped Sebastian was happy. That I hoped he moved on and had made a life for himself. When I found out he hadn’t, I felt bad for him, but I also felt a little bit of hope. It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t right, but it was there. My marriage was already over, and for a minute, I wondered if I would get a second chance with Sebastian.
At the end of the day, I got exactly what I deserved. I tried to make a better life for myself and my family by chasing something that wasn’t real, and I was paying for it. Instead of accepting love and trusting that it would be enough, I let myself get dazzled by flash and fortune. I should have known it wouldn’t last, but I was young and foolish and thought I was doing the right thing.
“It’s nice that you have the summer off and can come up here for so long, Zoey,” Sofia said, bringing me back into the conversation she and Alexis were having.
I nodded and opened my mouth to agree when Alexis answered for me.
“Mommy works in my school cafeteria. She feeds me lunch every day. It’s so cool.”
I forced a smile for her and pressed my lips together. Letting her think I still had the job wasn’t right, but I wasn’t ready to share the news with anyone.
“That is cool. It’s nice you get to spend time with the kids during the day. And you’re right there if they need anything.”
“It is nice. I enjoyed it a lot.”
Sofia’s smile faltered at my flat tone and closed comment. I left no room for her to continue the conversation. It wasn’t entirely conscious, but I felt uncomfortable with her.
“Can I go?” Cameron asked.
“Where are you going?” I asked him.
“I’m done. I want to go play a game.”
“I love games,” Sofia said. “What game are you playing? Can I play with you?”
“It’s online.”
“Oh, well, I probably wouldn’t be very good at that.” Sofia glanced at Sebastian and tried to keep her smile in place. I wondered how she did that. How she could appear so content in the face of such rudeness from myself and my son?
“I’m sorry about his attitude. He had plans with his dad for the summer, and I ruined them by coming up here,” I explained, hoping Sofia would forgive our attitudes.
“I understand. Traveling is tough as a kid. You have an idea of what the summer will be like, but it’s never quite the same as the picture in your mind. My dad used to make big plans for the summer. Usually, it meant I was more or less on my own. It was tough,” Sofia said with a kind smile for Cameron.
“My dad was going to take me to a Pirates game. He promised.”
“Nice. I’m more of a Yankees fan,” Sofia said with a glimmer in her eye.
“I like the Yankees, too. I played baseball last summer. I wasn’t really that good, though.”
“Maybe we can find a glove and a ball around here somewhere and play catch sometime. One of my friends used to play for his college team. He might be able to give you some tips.” Sofia winked.
Cameron smiled for the first time since we walked over from the house. He nodded, and I wanted to kiss her. No wonder Sebastian chose her. She was kind and thoughtful and willing to go out of her way for a child she barely knew. Hell, I wanted to date her.
“Thank you,” I whispered to her when Cameron wasn’t paying attention. He’d forgotten about his video game and was finishing his dinner.
“You’re welcome. I meant what I said, too. I’d be happy to play catch or kick a soccer ball or whatever to spend time with him. You have two amazing kids.”
I gave her a grateful, watery smile. Not many people told me that. Trevor spent more time complaining about all the things I should be doing instead of all the things I had done for the kids. He wanted Cameron to be tougher and Alexis to be less talkative. He wasn’t willing to see that his kids were developing personalities right in front of us, and that we should help them be whoever they were meant to be. But Sofia got it. My ex’s new girlfriend got it. What could I say? “Thank you.”
