After my first kill, it became a routine. A day or two would pass between targets, giving me time to debrief and sleep before the next assignment. I found it easier to think of it as a job.
The goal was simple: get in, get out, and don’t get caught. If I let myself think about the fact that these were people with families, I wouldn’t be able to do it. And I’d probably be dead by now.
I’ve become skilled at shutting down my emotions, surrendering to the darkness that was thrust upon me at such a young age.
But it’s getting harder to find myself again after each job. Thankfully, Justin is always there when I need him.
That’s probably why he’s dragged me into his father’s office, insisting on accompanying me on this next job.
Sometimes I wonder why I was thrust into this life. I question why my parents had to die. But then I just switch off the emotions. I find solace in not feeling anything.
If I allow myself to feel, it’s just pain and sadness that I wish would disappear. So why wouldn’t I choose to make it go away if I have that option? I can feel myself slipping, even now.
Sitting on the couch in my uncle’s office, I feel nothing. I’ve switched off my emotions. I can’t let him see any emotion on my face.
Justin is arguing his case, explaining why he should accompany me. I’m half-listening, idly cleaning my nails with my knife.
I know Justin wants to help me escape this life. We’ve discussed it many times over the years, but we’ve never had the chance. Now, it seems he’s creating one.
I’m not sure I want to leave. I don’t know who I’d be without this life. It’s all I’ve known for the past ten, almost eleven years.
I don’t know what it’s like to live any other way. I’d be lost, unsure of how to behave, where to go.
“Maci, what are your thoughts on this?”
I look up at my uncle, giving him a blank stare.
“If he wants to come, let him. I don’t care either way. I just want to get this job done. The sooner I finish it, the quicker I can move on to the next one.”
“This is why you’re one of our best assassins.” My uncle turns to his youngest son. “You can go with her, but don’t do anything stupid. You won’t like the consequences if you do.”
He returns to his desk and the paperwork he was working on when Justin interrupted us. He’s dismissing us, and I’m more than ready to leave. I just don’t care anymore.
“What the hell, Maci? You switched them off again, didn’t you? You have to stop doing that.
“You’re going to end up switching them off and not being able to switch them back on. What will you do then?” Justin snaps at me when we get back to my room.
“Why would I keep them on? I don’t like feeling. I like the comfort the darkness brings. If I’m feeling, all I feel is grief, sadness, and hatred. I’d rather just not care, or feel, at all.”
I shrug and flop down on my bed. He doesn’t understand. He was born into this life. He’s known it his entire life. I haven’t.
“That doesn’t matter! You need to feel these emotions. It’s what makes you human! Do you think I don’t want to switch off mine and just not feel the hatred for myself, for my father?
“I would love to switch it off, but I can’t do that because it would be the end. If I shut everything off, I wouldn’t be able to escape.
“I would love to switch everything off and cut the head off the snake, but if I did that, it would cause a whole lot of new problems.
“There’s more going on here than you realize, and I need you to keep those emotions on.”
“I’ll try, but not until after this mission. I need to get in the right mindset.”
“I’ll be back in a few hours so we can leave.” Justin exits my room and I let out a heavy sigh. I wonder how different my life would have been if I’d been dealt a different hand.
If my parents were still alive, I’d be in high school. I’d be planning for my future, not the death of my next target.
There’s no point in wondering about what could have been. I can ponder what-ifs until I’m blue in the face, but it won’t change anything.
I don’t remember much from my childhood since I was only five when my parents died, but sometimes I get flashes of memories.
At least I think they’re memories—my mind has been so messed with since I’ve been here, I’m not sure what’s real and what isn’t.
I vaguely remember there being someone else in the vehicle with me and my parents, but I dismiss it as a figment of my imagination.
I’m an only child, so why would there have been another girl in the vehicle who looks exactly like me?
Shaking my head, I move to my desk and pull out the file of my next target. I won’t be relaxing anytime soon because apparently my mind wants to revisit the past.
Every time Justin talks to me about my switched-off emotions, the little devils sneak back into my consciousness.
There’s something about our connection that always brings them back, even when they’re not welcome.
I sit in my chair and open the file.
By the time Justin knocks on my door, I’m ready to get this over with. I’m ready to be back and away from Justin because I know he won’t let me shut down.
It's tough when you can't do what you want. They asked for a monster, and they got one. I just don’t think they anticipated the kind of monster I’d turn out to be.
I cycle through targets faster than anyone else here. As soon as one is done, I move onto the next. They give us a day or two between targets, but most of the time, I don’t take it.
I catch my sleep on the jet, or in the rooms, depending on the length of the jobs. If my mind is busy with something else, I don’t have to worry about my emotions getting the better of me.
“We need to talk when we get to the room.” I glance at Justin and see a serious, yet guarded, look on his face. This must be important if he’s keeping his emotions in check.
He only does that at certain times, usually when he’s on a case and not a moment before. Our target is in the States, and we’re in Canada, so we have to fly.
The drive to the airfield is silent. We usually chat about everything under the sun, but right now, we’re quiet. I’m not sure what’s happening, but I’m starting to feel uneasy.
He’s planning something big, and I need to know what it is. “Why are we waiting until we get to the room? Why can’t you just tell me now?”
“It’s not safe to talk about it now. We have to wait until we’re alone,” he whispers so only I can hear. I nod at him and look out the window.
The airfield is just a ten-minute drive, but the flight to the States takes longer. Once we’re on the jet and airborne, I head to one of the rooms and take a nap.
I hate flying. It triggers my claustrophobia and I end up having a panic attack. So, I sleep instead.
“Mac, it’s time to get up. We’re about to land.” I groan as I see Justin standing over me.
“I’ll be out in a minute.” When he leaves the room, I roll onto my back and let out a deep breath. While I was sleeping, I dreamt about the time after the car accident.
Over the years, they hammered into my head that I didn’t have a sister, that I was Maci Jennings. Eventually, it stuck, and I stopped dreaming about her and only dreamed about my parents.
So why are the dreams returning now? Is this Bridget person a figment of my imagination? Maybe I’m dreaming of a childhood that I wish I had, of a little girl who had a life with both parents.
I may never find out. I just hope the dreams stop. I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that something isn’t right.
Once the plane lands and we’re free to go, we head out of the airport and get into our car. At least I have my license now and can drive legally.
It makes getting there and back easier without having to worry about getting pulled over and going to jail for not having a license.
But there’s still the risk of getting caught and going to jail for murder.
Clearly, my priorities are a bit skewed. I should be more worried about going away for murder than going away for not having a license.
“All right, what did you want to talk about that has to be said in private?” I ask Justin as soon as we get into our room.
“You’re not going on this job. You’re getting out of this life and running far away from here.” I’m shaking my head before he even finishes his sentence.
“I can’t do that, Justin. You know there’s only one way to get out of this life. If I run now, I’ll be hunted for the rest of my life. There’s no way I could run forever.
“I’d rather lose myself more than I already have than run. I can’t do that. We’ll think of something else. What would happen if you were to go back home without me?”
I know exactly what would happen if he went home without me. He’d be beaten. I can’t have that on my conscience.
“I don’t care what happens to me. I care about what happens to you. I’ve already accepted that I’ll never get out of this life. I was born into it, you weren’t.”
“We can go together. We can just leave, together. I’m not going without you. I won’t go unless you go with me.
“I won’t stand by and watch you get beaten within an inch of your life, or worse, killed. You’re all I have, and I can’t let you do this.”
“Maci, I can’t come with you. They’ll track us down if I do. You need to go alone. I’ve planned everything. Take this envelope—it has a new identity for you. You need to run.
“Find the Broken Angels, MC. They’ll protect you. It doesn’t matter which charter you stumble upon, just find one.”
I recall him talking about this biker gang before. They’re a familiar name in our home. One of their women was one of us, but she managed to escape.
They’re still bitter about it, but the gang wiped out a significant number of our people, so they backed off to recover and rebuild their strength.
“If that’s the case, I’m not leaving. We’ll finish this job and then we’ll return to our crappy lives and do what we were trained to do.”
He knows that once I’ve made up my mind, nothing can sway me. We have a mission to complete.
I just wish I had listened to him and left when he told me to. Because what I didn’t realize was that my life was about to shatter into pieces and I was about to lose everything.
