Do You Want to be Trapped

The music starts, and I watch my sister, Haven, walk down the aisle toward the front of the church. She grips her bouquet like she’s going to break the stems of the flowers at any moment.

I can’t see her face anymore, but I’m sure there’s murder in her eyes as she looks toward the front.

My mother sits in the pew with her head hanging, wiping the tears from her eyes.

I’m sure that to the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, it seems like my mother is crying happy tears for the sake of her baby girl getting married to the love of her life. I wish that were true.

My father is doing a better job of controlling his emotions. He’s just as angry as my sister, but he’s trying to hold me up through this torturous walk down the aisle.

This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. How did it turn out like this?

“I told you, man, if I hadn’t been baby-trapped by her, then I wouldn’t still be with her. This whole wedding thing is my parents forcing me to do the right thing,” Collin says to whoever is standing with him in the back of the church.

I’m not supposed to be there. The bride isn’t supposed to see the groom before the wedding.

Everyone says it’s bad luck. I guess they’re right.

Collin doesn’t want to marry me.

I should’ve seen the signs. He hadn’t even gotten me an engagement ring.

I can’t believe it. Just minutes ago, I had been a blushing bride, thrilled for my big day. In my excitement, I had snuck out of the bride’s room to try and get a glimpse of the man I was going to marry.

I hadn’t expected to overhear Collin’s conversation with his brother, Tommy.

“I thought you loved her?” Tommy asks.

“I like her well enough, but I don’t think I love her. We’ve only been together a few years,” Collin says with a scoff.

I stand there with my back to the wall, a hand covering my mouth to hold back a sob.

Only a couple of years? How damn long does it take to figure out if you love someone?

I knew after about three months that I was on the path to loving Collin. Now here I am, twenty-five years old and ready to dedicate my life to him. After two years of being together, he doesn’t know if he loves me?

What in the world am I missing? He tells me all the time he loves me, and I’ve had no reason not to believe him.

Collin has always been honest and upfront in everything we’ve faced in our relationship. If he didn’t like the way something was going, he always told me.

We communicated everything—or at least I thought we did.

“What are you gonna do then? If you don’t love her and don’t want to get married, then I don’t see this lasting very long,” Tommy says.

“What in the world am I supposed to do? Huh? Tell me how I get out of this. Mom and Dad told me I would lose my inheritance if I didn’t marry her!

“They love her to death, and now that she’s having their grandchild, she never has to worry about a thing for the rest of her life!” Collin says with spite.

“Are you saying you think she did this because of money?” Tommy asks, shocked. I can hear the irritation in his voice.

In the time it takes Collin to answer, my heart shatters into more than a million pieces. He hesitates, and that’s all I need to hear.

I walk away after that because I know there’s nothing he can say now that will change how I feel about what I just heard.

Collin made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t feel the same about me as I do him.

I can’t understand why he wouldn’t just tell me that he wasn’t ready.

We could have saved so much time and heartache if he had just manned up and told me how he really felt.

I place a hand over my small stomach as I wander numbly down the halls. I’m only three months along, so my little peanut hasn’t started making their presence physically known.

They do, however, make sure to give my stomach a daily reminder that they’re there and in charge.

I can’t marry Collin knowing that he feels this way about me, but I’ve never thought about what I would do if I were a single mother.

How will I take care of this baby on my own? There’s so much that goes into raising a child.

Oh God, what am I going to do now?

I’m sure our families would help, but the last thing I want is for them to think I’m just using this child to gain something.

Collin’s parents are wealthy, but they never lord that over anyone.

My parents are your average middle-class workers. They make a moderately comfortable living, but they’re generous.

They weren’t happy when they first learned I was pregnant and unmarried, but over time, they grew more accepting of the idea.

Will they still be happy when they learn what a mistake this all was?

I round the corner, heading back to the dressing room, and I bump into my sister, Haven. It only takes her a second to look at my face and see that I’m not okay.

I feel her take my hand, and she leads me away from the ceremony room where the guests are waiting.

“What’s wrong?” she asks, her eyes brimming with concern. “And don’t think you can lie to me.”

I’ve never been able to lie to Haven. She’s five years older than me, and she can sniff out a lie from a mile away.

Haven is my best friend, sister, and protector all in one.

I’m lucky to have her. She’s as tough as nails, and I need her more than ever today.

I tell her about everything I heard, and she drags me into the church library to escape the noise of the ceremony in the next room.

“I can’t go through with this wedding,” I tell Haven as we sit on a small sofa by a fireplace. “Why would I marry a man that all but hates me?” Another thought makes my heart race. “Do you think he’s going to take the baby from me?”

“Holly, if he doesn’t want to get married to you, I think it’s safe to say there’s a good chance he’s not going to want the baby either. I’m going to get Mom and Dad,” Haven says.

I watch Haven leave and sit there alone, searching my mind for any signs that I should have seen this coming.

I come up empty.

Collin had been the one who brought up marriage. I was fine with continuing as we were, but he insisted. I guess I know why now.

His parents wanted the marriage, not him.

It’s news to me, but I can’t blame them for any of this.

They were always kind to me, and I can’t find much fault in what they wanted. Who knew if Collin even told them he wasn’t ready for marriage?

“Holly, honey!” my mother cries as she runs to me and pulls me into her arms.

The tears she has are for me and not for losing Collin. My parents treated Collin fairly, but I could always tell there was something about him they weren’t all that fond of.

“Have you talked to the little bastard?” Dad asks.

“No, I just overheard him talking to his brother. You were right about him. Are you upset with me since I’m going to be a single mother?” I ask, terrified of the answer.

“No! God, no. Honey, we love you, and there’s nothing in this world that you could do to change that,” Dad says as he walks over and wraps Mom and me in his arms.

“How should we go about doing this? The guests are mostly here and waiting for the show to start,” Haven says.

There’s a look in her eye that lets me know she would love nothing more than to hit Collin in front of a church full of people. Part of me wants that too.

But I have a better idea.

“Honey, you don’t have to do this,” Mom says as I stare down the aisle toward the man I thought was my entire future.

“One of us can handle this. I don’t want you putting any more stress on yourself. You’re having a baby.” Mom places a hand on my cheek and frowns.

It’s an odd feeling to know that on one hand, I’m not loved by the person I thought was my entire world.

But on the other hand, my family loves me the way I need them to. And unlike Collin, they aren’t going to change their minds.

A tiny war is breaking out in my heart.

I’m devastated but happy at the same time. Happy I have support, and happy this didn’t drag on any longer.

I know that in the near future, this is all going to hit me and I’ll be a mess. Hell, I may even go insane. I’ve been so in love with Collin that the thought of us not being together never crossed my mind.

I’ve been living in the delusion that Collin loved me as much as I loved him. I can’t keep thinking of him as my future. He’s my past now, and that’s all he is.

“No, I have to face this head-on,” I say. I’m going to need the strength I’m using today. It’s going to be the only thing that helps me decide where to go from here.

We reach the front of the church, and I stand there looking at Collin. He’s smiling like this is the happiest moment of his life. It’s funny that I never noticed how good he is at acting.

“Who gives this woman to be married?” the officiant asks.

Dad stands there still as a stone, not giving the slightest hint that anything is wrong.

Seconds pass by, and the officiant and Collin start to look antsy. Their eyes move back and forth between Dad and me.

My eyes don’t leave Collin. I want to watch him suffer with the unknown. I want Collin to be afraid that everything is about to fall out of his grasp in a matter of moments.

“There’s not going to be anyone to give me away,” I say, “because there isn’t going to be a wedding.”