Eyes on Us Book 4

You know when you can’t get a song out of your head, and it’s just playing over and over again? That was me right now, except it wasn’t just a song on the radio, it was a song I was writing.

The dang melody wouldn’t get out of my head. I’ve been going to bed thinking about it and waking up and immediately thinking of it for the past three days.

I strummed the strings of my guitar. I had a notebook lying beside me open with half-finished lyrics. I wanted to finish these lyrics soon. I was also itching to get out of here and resume my normal life.

I heard one of the staff members’ footsteps before they even came in. My room was the last one in the hall. There’s only eleven other residents at this rehab center, and with me there are twelve.

We each had our own room; they didn’t want it to feel like a rehab center, but they also didn’t know how not to make it feel like one. I never wake up and forget exactly where I am.

Trust me, conscious or not, I know exactly where I am.

I think my room is one of the emptiest ones. When they asked me what I wanted from my home, all I wanted was my guitar and songbook. Of course, my brother also threw in a picture of him and his mom, my stepmother.

I was surprised to see who came to get me today. It was the front receptionist, Melinda. She’s an older woman, and she treated me like her own child. But she didn’t usually come get me; she usually got a counselor to.

Melinda reminds me of my grandmother on my father’s side, Deirdre. Not in looks so much. Melinda is short, where my grandmother is tall. Melinda is also blonde, and my grandmother has very dark hair.

Their personalities are uncanny though; they’re both tough, strong women who don’t take excuses.

“Still stuck on that song?” she asks. Other than my therapist, she is the only one I like talking to. Her son died of an overdose, and now she works in the rehab that she had wanted to send him to.

She really believes in this rehab center; she’s told me endless success stories in order to inspire me to get better.

“Yeah, it’s just not coming out of me like the rest. I think there’s something special about this song.”

I usually wrote for the band with Eric. Most of the hit songs have been written by me. Most people didn’t know that, as we all shared the writing credit. Not that I minded; all I cared was that people were hearing my music.

“Well, why don’t you take a break? Your brother and his girlfriend are here to see you.” I put my guitar down and nod.

I had called my brother a few days ago and said that I wanted to talk to him about something, and he said as soon as he had a chance he would come. Took him three days, but at least he was here now.

“He brought Lux?” I ask Melinda. I didn’t want to ask him what I needed to ask him in front of her.

Lux. Willow. I don’t even know what to call her. When we met her, her name was Willow, but it was a fake name because she was hiding from her abusive ex-husband.

I didn’t even know her name was different until a few days before my overdose.

“Yes, he did.” I stand up and just follow her. “Do you not like her?”

I don’t have a problem with Lux. “Lux is the best thing that’s ever happened to my brother. I couldn’t be more happy that my brother has her. It’s just sad that she gets dragged from one mess to another.”

She just dealt with her ex killing himself, not to mention the abuse he had her endure for almost three years. Now she was dealing with her boyfriend’s drug-addicted brother.

“You’re not a mess anymore, remember that,” Melinda says to me before she opens the recreation room with her ID. She lets me go in alone.

The recreation room is the place I hate the most here. All we can do is either read or draw. No one ever really uses it unless family comes to see them. It has room to seat a couple people.

Lux is checking out the books and Grady is just sitting at one of the tables. We are the only ones in here right now. When I walk in, Grady stands up and Lux looks at me; she is closest to me.

“Hey, guys,” I say.

Lux actually gives me a hug. This is the first time I’ve seen her in almost ninety days.

Last time I saw her was when I was being transferred from the hospital to the rehab center right after I had detoxed. They just had to make sure I was physically okay to go.

“How are you?” she asks as she pulls away.

I remember the first day I met Lux, I thought she was really hot. But I also made her first day of work the hardest possible.

She has really pretty green eyes, and was a brunette at the time. She’s blonde now, and she is in good shape. But I knew almost instantly that she was way too innocent. I don’t do innocent.

“I’m really good. It’s good to see you.” Lux gives me a soft smile. It was genuine; lately all the smiles given to me were pure pity.

Grady pulls me into a hug next. I’ve actually seen Grady quite a few times since I’ve been in here. He and my cousins usually come visit separately.

I’m not allowed to have more than two visitors at a time, and it was only one visit for every five days.

The rules are strict but they have them for a good reason, so we won’t get overwhelmed and can get a few days to breathe in between visits.

“Sorry it took me a bit to come visit.” I shrug it off.

“It’s fine.” We all take seats at the table. I can’t help but tap my fingers on the table, I am so goddamn nervous.

Ever since I was a kid, I would always tap my fingers. My dad actually broke one of them when I wouldn’t stop. I learned never to do it in front of him.

“What are the therapists saying?” Grady asks. He knows it’s almost time for me to get out into the real world. I am on day eighty-five out of ninety.

“They say I’m ready to go. They mostly just want to make sure that I’ll be going to a safe space, at least until I can transition fully into my new apartment.”

Grady looks confused, and it’s Lux who brings him out of that confusion.

“You want to move in with us?” Grady had a two-story loft. He was the only one in our family who wasn’t married or had children.

“Just for a little bit. My therapist thinks that I still have to be watched and guided a little bit. I’m never going to drink or do drugs ever again, but I could use the support to make sure it doesn’t happen.”

I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. I just want to crawl into a hole. I hate asking for help, especially from my younger brother.

I just feel like a burden to him, even though he’s my brother and I know he would do anything for me.

“We are rehearsing for tour right now, so I’m hardly home as it is.”

Lux stops Grady from talking. She grabs his hand.

“I’m home all the time. Plus it’s just for a little bit, until we know he’s ready to move to his new apartment. I can hang out with him and he can tag along with me if I have to go somewhere.”

That is not what I want. I especially don’t want to burden Lux.

“You don’t have to do that, Lux.” She smiles at me.

“I want to. I want you to succeed in your recovery, and I can help you with this part.” See!? She says shit like that—we were missing someone like that in our group. I’m happy Grady has her.

“Are you really okay with that?” Grady asks her.

“I am. You know I spend most of my time home alone; it wouldn’t hurt to have some company.” Grady kisses her cheek then looks at me.

“Well, you have a place to stay. But there will be rules, Kieran.”

I nod. “And I intend to follow them.”

“If you drink or do drugs, you’re out. Out of the apartment and out of the band. I know you’re not joining us on the first part of the tour, but I want you to be well enough to not miss the whole tour.”

When I got here and they told me that I wouldn’t be touring in May, I had to admit that it broke my heart. I’ve never missed a show. Ever. I was completely gutted.

I’ve been touring for almost fifteen years. Since I was fourteen, and I am now almost twenty-nine. I don’t even know how to function without the band. I am on hiatus for obvious reasons, until I get everything sorted.

“Okay,” I say because I don’t really know what else to say. “Thank you for letting me stay with you.”

Melinda came in. “Sorry guys, time’s up.”

Did I mention that these visits were timed? I really hate it here.

“We will come pick you up when you’re ready. I’ll see you in a few days.” Grady hugs me again and Lux waves goodbye to me.

They’re gone and now I’m walking back to my room. Everyone’s door is open; it’s a rule for during the day, and I didn’t really know anyone. They all kind of stayed away from me because of my status, but I didn’t really care.

In a few days I would be out of this rehab center. I’d be back in New York City, my favorite place in the world, and working my way to be able to tour once again. I was really excited.