Discovering Us Spin-off: Deliberation
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K. L. Jenkins
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Prologue
Discovering Us: Deliberation
TILLY
Never in a million years did I imagine Iād be sitting in a hospital waiting room with one of my moms, anxiously awaiting confirmation of my pregnancy.
Iāve always been meticulous about protecting myself from unwanted pregnancies and diseases.
I feel betrayed, hurt, and honestly, terrified about the life growing inside me. Cody, the supposed father, ran for the hills when I told him about my symptoms and their implications.
āGet rid of it. I donāt want to be a dad,ā were his exact words.
Now, Iām facing this alone, and itās frightening. I had planned to wait at least a decade or more before considering motherhood.
I had dreams of establishing my career as a dentist.
I wanted to live life to the fullest and travel the world.
I wanted to fall in love repeatedly until I found the one I wanted to settle down with.
Then, I wanted to explore the world with them, buy our first home, adopt our first petā¦
But all those dreams are shattered now, thanks to this tiny life inside me thatās making me feel sick and causing me to break out in hives.
I fear no man will want me now.
My body will change, my future put on hold.
I worry Iāll never fall in love again.
I wonāt have my career, my house, my petā¦my happily ever after.
Who would want to take on another manās child?
āMiss Tilly Ballard-Mason?ā The petite blonde receptionist calls my name.
I try to ignore her, to stay in my bubble of denial, but my mom wonāt let me.
āCome on, Tilly. You canāt ignore this pregnancy,ā she says.
Sheās right, of course.
By my rough estimate, I have about fifteen weeks left to make a decision.
Iām not sure how far along I am because I havenāt had a period since I started using the implant two years ago.
Plus, Iāve always used a condom during sex, and only one has ever broken.
Thatās why Iām guessing Iām about two months pregnant.
The only time a condom broke was two months ago, during a quickie in the car outside my mom Sophieās house.
Sophie, my biological mother, acts more like a roommate than a parent.
We live together, but sheās rarely home due to her own romantic escapades.
Life with her is easy.
There are no rules.
No curfews or arguments because we each do our own thing.
Sometimes, we share a quiet dinner together.
My other mom, Violet, the one who stepped up to be the perfect mother figure, guides me into the ObGynās office with a comforting hand on my back.
āAh, Violet, itās lovely to see you again. Good morning, Miss Mason.ā
āItās Ballard-Masonā¦ā
āTillyā¦ Iām so sorry. Pregnancy hormones seem to have caused a lapse in etiquette.ā
I donāt understand why Mom always makes excuses for me.
No matter how I behave, she always has a justification.
I suppose pregnancy and hormones are valid excuses, unlike being tired or stressed or blaming it on āthat time of the monthā when I donāt even have a period.
āSorry, Miss Ballard-Mason.ā
I donāt know why I corrected her.
Iād rather be a Henderson like everyone else, but it seems I was never given the family nameā¦
āJust call me Tilly.ā
āVery well. So Tilly, what brings you in today?ā
āMy birth control and condoms both failed me and now I have an unwanted guest residing in my womb a decade too earlyā¦ā
The doctor smiles at my comment as if itās amusing, but I donāt find it funny.
I find it incredibly fucking problematic.
āWhen was your last period?ā
āThe month after I had my implant placedā¦ā
āSo.ā She checks something on her computer before turning back to me. āTwenty-two months ago?ā
āSounds about right.ā
āThatās not uncommon with the implant. Okay, so the best course of action would be to test your blood for HCG. Weāll also do an internal scan, but donāt be alarmed if we donāt see anything. Depending on how far along you are, the baby might not be visible yet. What symptoms have you been experiencing?ā
āNausea, headaches, certain smells make me vomitā¦ā
āAnd how long have these symptoms been present?ā
āAbout a week or two.ā
āVery good. Okay, letās go to the next room. Have you ever had an internal examination before?ā
āNoā¦unless sheās referring to fingering, fisting, or being fucked by a dildoā¦ā
āIāll be using a small wand that uses sound waves to create images of your internal organs, the pregnancy, and blood vessels. Itās completely safe for both you and the baby and is very effective for diagnostic purposes,ā the doctor explains.
Mom follows us into the examination room where the doctor instructs me to undress from the waist down and lie on the table.
I do as she says, my face turning beet red from embarrassment.
āHere.ā Mom hands me a blanket to cover my lower half.
The doctor starts up the strange-looking computer and begins typing in some details. Then she rolls a condom onto a small dildo-like device connected to the computer.
āOkay, so put your feet together and spread your legs sideways.ā
āThatās not embarrassing at allā¦ā
I do as she instructs, gripping the blanket tightly to prevent it from slipping and revealing my marked legs and private parts.
Mom holds my hand silently as the doctor inserts the device into my vagina.
God, if only the ground could open up and swallow me wholeā¦
Itās been weeks since Iāve been intimate with anyone, and this parasite must be messing with my libido because I have to suppress a moan as she presses against my bladder and a particularly sensitive spot inside my vagina.
I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from making any noise as she moves the device around as if sheās searching for buried treasure.
āOkay, so there is definitely a pregnancy. The gestational sac measures six weeks and five days. Thereās a fetal pole, and look, thatās the babyās heartbeatā¦ā
Despite promising myself not to look, I glance at the screen.
Thereās a small black circle with a white jelly bean-like object that sheās measuring.
Thatās all I allow myself to see before I quickly shift my gaze to the clock on the wall in front of me.
āThe fetus is measuring six weeks three days. The rhythm of a heartbeat at one hundred and sixty-two beats per minute is a beautiful thing. The yolk sac is perfectly round, and thereās no sign of any internal bleeding. Everything is as it should be, healthy and normal.ā
āGreatā¦ā I mutter, my voice devoid of any joy.
āHere, Iāve got some prints for you.ā She hands me a few small squares of film paper that I quickly thrust at my mom.
I donāt want to keep them, let alone look at them. Iāve already made the mistake of looking up scan photos online, which led me to fantasize about a different world where Iād be thrilled to be here with a man by my side, not the woman who stepped up to be my mom.
But thatās not my world.
Sadly, the nightmare isnāt over. We return to the other room where the doctor begins to input her findings into the computer.
The sound of her typing on the keyboard is like nails on a chalkboard until she swivels around to address me again.
āWeāll need to get you started on prenatal vitamins, schedule more scans for the anatomy scanāā
āActually, Tilly came here to discuss her options,ā Mom cuts her off just as Iām about to explode with rage at the doctorās disregard for my wishes.
āOh. My apologies. I shouldnāt have assumed. Well, you have three options. You can continue the pregnancy and keep the baby, continue the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy, which at this stage would involve taking a pill, experiencing some cramping and bleeding, and then passing the pregnancy tissue.ā
She rattles off the same options my mom had already explained to me.
Sheās direct, and I thought I knew what I wanted when I walked in here, but seeing that second heartbeat flickering inside me has left me at a loss for words.
I know what I want to say, but the words just wonāt come out.
āItās okay, Tilly. You have time to think about this.ā The doctor gives me a sympathetic look.
Thatās what Mom keeps telling me.
But every day that thisā¦thing is inside me is another day I start to accept it.
