Desperate

VERONICA

“I remember everything you taught me,”

Every book I’ve ever read,

Can all the words in all the books,

Help me to face what lies ahead?”

– Barbara Streisand

***

When life felt like it was suffocating me, I’d do anything to distract myself.

So, on the first Saturday after I started my job at Wynntec & Co., I found myself at The Hill late at night with my telescope, ready to lose myself in the stars.

The Hill was just that—a hill on the north side of town. It was a quiet, secluded spot, perfect for a loner like me.

It was a beautiful place, with soft grass and a large stone cross embedded in the ground. The cross was a memorial to Dimitri Tanner, the renowned astronomer, talented writer, and my late father.

As usual, The Hill was empty when I arrived. I set up my telescope, adjusted the lens, and aimed for Jupiter and its four moons.

In no time, I found it. It was the brightest star in the sky, after all.

I zoomed in and saw the brightness soften around the edges of the star, revealing blue and brown streaks that were Jupiter’s colors.

Jupiter’s moons circled the star like tiny balls of light, and I wished my telescope was powerful enough to see them more clearly.

But a new telescope was out of my budget. Plus, this one was a gift from my father. I didn’t want to replace it.

Not only would I be flat broke, but I’d also feel like I was disrespecting my father’s memory. That was something I couldn’t do. So, I made do with my old telescope.

As I focused on the stars, my thoughts drifted to my parents.

My mother was a practical woman who ran her own independent public-relations firm.

She was smart and ambitious, with clear goals and a plan for her life.

She was always poised and unflappable. Or at least, that’s how she used to be.

Then there was my father. Dimitri Tanner was a respected astronomer who wrote articles about his field.

Unlike my mother, Charlene, Dimitri was a dreamer. He loved exploring possibilities, went wherever life took him, and was passionate about the things he loved.

Charlene and Dimitri met at a party, much like Jax and me.

Charlene was there for work. She knew a big-shot businessman would be there, and she wanted to network with him. What better place than a party?

Dimitri was there for a different reason. He was supporting a good friend who had just gone through a tough divorce.

As Dimitri was helping his friend drown his sorrows, Charlene walked by.

Whenever Dad told the story, he’d get this soft smile on his face.

He remembered every detail of that night—how Charlene looked so out of place in her pencil skirt and conservative blouse, how stunning and composed she was. He couldn’t take his eyes off her.

“Her cobalt eyes were what got me,” he’d say, his eyes full of adoration.

“They were so clear, it was like looking at Neptune and Uranus.”

My father charmed my mother that night, and the next day, they went on their first date. Five months later, they were married.

A year after that, I was born.

They named me Veronica after my late grandmother on my mother’s side. She passed away around the time I was born, and my mother was devastated. So, they named me in her honor.

Five years after I was born, my sister Andy came along.

Since my mother had chosen my name, my father picked Andy’s—Andromeda—after the galaxy he was researching.

He was so fascinated by it that he named his daughter after it.

But even though he named my sister after his favorite galaxy, it seemed like Dad and I had a stronger bond than he did with Andy, or that I did with my mother.

I loved Mom and Andy, of course, but Dad and I had a connection that couldn’t be broken.

Ever since I can remember, he’d take me to this hill and teach me about the stars and constellations. He’d share his knowledge of astronomy with me, and we’d spend most of his free time together.

But when I was ten, everything fell apart. My parents divorced, and my world turned upside down.

I couldn’t imagine my parents apart. They were a package deal in my mind. But suddenly, they weren’t together anymore.

Mom seemed to handle it well. In fact, she started dating Stephen just a month after the divorce was finalized.

My father, on the other hand, was heartbroken. He always seemed lost in thought, like he was seeing something I couldn’t.

Even at ten, I understood something important: my father loved my mother more than she loved him. I learned that loving someone could lead to heartbreak.

But I seemed to be a source of comfort for my father.

I practically lived at his place, spending most of my time with him since I didn’t enjoy school. He was my therapy, and I was his. We were best friends, always having fun together.

He taught me everything I know about writing, and he taught me Russian. All the while, he was working on his book, Slater’s Bridge.

He told me not to read it until I was older because it dealt with mature themes.

Just as I was starting to adjust to life after my parents’ divorce, my world was turned upside down again.

My father died when I was twelve, and I haven’t been the same since.

“There it is,” I whispered, spotting Mars in my lens. I wiped away a tear that had slipped out as I remembered my past and focused on the red-orange star that twinkled at me from above.

I’d been up on The Hill for a good three hours, just me and my telescope.

As midnight approached, I packed up and headed back to my apartment.

Slipping into bed, I could hear Amy and Nick going at it. I couldn’t help but think, Their love is a sham. One day, one of them will break the other’s heart and leave them to pick up the pieces.

I would never fall in love. Not even for a fortune.

That was my number one rule, and no one was going to make me break it. No one.

***

Come Monday, I was working on my tenth translation.

After that first day at work, Jax hadn’t said a word to me all week.

He’d been avoiding me, leaving me notes to send my translations to his email. Honestly, I was relieved.

Jax was a danger to me. He could easily get me hooked on him, and that was the last thing I needed.

Besides, sleeping with him again would be a terrible idea. So, his distance was a blessing. It kept the temptation at bay.

While Jax kept his distance, I found myself growing closer to Jo. She was such a sweetheart, it was hard not to like her. Even her friends, Lucy and Erin, were pretty cool.

We’d hang out during breaks, especially lunch in the cafeteria. They were a welcome distraction from a certain someone I didn’t want to even glance at.

Thankfully, Hailey Pritchard still hadn’t noticed me. She was too busy trying to get Jax and Oliver’s attention. To her, everyone else, including me, was invisible.

I was grateful for whatever cosmic force kept her gaze away from me. I hoped it would stay that way.

Monday was also book club day. After work, I said goodbye to Jo and headed to a multipurpose building where various groups met, from Alcoholics Anonymous to Sex Addicts Anonymous.

When I got there, the group was already gathered. There were ten of us, all from different walks of life, all with a shared love for books.

Today, we were discussing a book Jane had suggested, The Duff: Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

It was about a girl named Bianca who was a bit overweight and was teased for being the Duff among her pretty friends.

It was a good book, but it hit a little too close to home, making it a tough read.

“I loved when Bianca finally admitted her feelings for Weston,” said Susan, the most hopeless romantic I’d ever met.

She was thirty, single, and honestly, I doubted she’d ever get married with the high standards she had for men. “It was amazing to see how far she’d come.”

“I agree,” Jane said, nodding enthusiastically, “despite her struggles, she came out on top. That’s what I liked most about her.”

“That’s the whole point of the book, though,” Bruce chimed in, “it’s showing us that love is key to overcoming your fears and, well, your issues.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” I found myself saying. Everyone turned to look at me, surprised at my disagreement.

I shrugged and explained, “You have to be the one to conquer your issues. You can’t rely on someone else, or some emotion, to do it for you. You have to consciously decide to move on, whether you’re in love or not.”

“While that’s true,” Jane conceded, “I think the book is saying that love can make the journey easier.”

For some reason, this statement irked me.

“You can’t always take the easy route, otherwise any progress you’ve made will eventually be lost,” I argued.

“In this case, you have to do it on your own. That way, you’ll remember the hard road you traveled and won’t want to go back to your old ways, because you’d have to go through all that trouble again.”

“You’re talking about overcoming issues as if it’s something practical, something you do with your hands,” Frank accused.

“Overcoming is something you do with your mind, with your emotions, and yes, with love, even if you’re adamant that love isn’t the answer,” he reasoned.

I was about to retort when Jane suddenly stood up, a faint blush on her face.

“Oh, there you are!” she said to someone behind me, probably at the door. “Guys, I want you to meet our new member.”

Turning with everyone else, I saw a tall, muscular guy with auburn hair and blue eyes standing in the doorway. He looked eerily familiar.

I would’ve gasped if I hadn’t stopped myself. This man...it was the guy I’d slept with at Nick’s frat party! His name was Derek or something. What on earth was he doing here?

The redhead grinned, his eyes scanning the group until they landed on me.

I saw his eyes widen with recognition, but unlike my look of horror, his grin only grew wider, as if he found my presence amusing in some twisted way. My heart sank.

“Everyone,” Jane’s excited voice said, “this is my friend, Drake Adams. Drake, meet the group.”

“Hey everyone,” Drake said, taking a seat next to Jane.

Jane seemed a bit flustered and flushed, and I immediately knew she had more than friendly feelings for him. Drake, however, couldn’t seem to take his eyes off me. It made me squirm in my seat.

“Drake has also read The Duff,” Jane said, her eyes shining brighter than before. God, she was in love with him! “So, he won’t have any trouble catching up, right?”

His eyes still on me, he said, “Right.”

As the discussion resumed, focusing on a different aspect of the book, my mind was in turmoil.

Why was another one-night stand from my past suddenly back in my life? What had I done to deserve this? Why was he looking at me like I was naked?

Once our two-hour session ended, I was the first one to grab my things and bolt out of the room, mumbling a quick goodbye.

Drake was on my heels again, it seemed, because he caught up with me in no time, shouting, “Hey!”

I didn’t slow down, but it didn’t make a difference. Drake stepped in front of me, halting my escape, and grabbed my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.

“Hey,” he repeated, his gaze locking onto mine.

I silently begged him to let go, but he didn’t. Reluctantly, I muttered, “Hey.”

A smile spread across his face. “Looks like fate has us crossing paths again.”

Looks like. “Whatever.”

He tilted his head, as if deep in thought. “Are you going to tell me your name now?”

Damn. I didn’t have much of a choice, did I? I dropped my gaze to the ground and said in a monotone, “Veronica.”

“Veronica…” he repeated, savoring the name. I stiffened. He chuckled. “It’s a beautiful name. Can I call you Ronnie?”

I froze. Only one person had ever called me Ronnie; my father. And when he died, the nickname died with him.

“No,” I snapped, glaring at him. “Can you let go? I have somewhere to be.”

He didn’t. “I want to know why you left me that night.”

Was he serious?

“It was a one-night-stand, for God's sake!” I yelled, fuming. “Get over it!”

Finally, he released me.

I turned to walk past him without a word when he murmured something that sounded like, “We’ll see about that.”

My anger flared but I kept walking. What was it with guys lately that they seemed to want me out of the blue?

First Jax with his “I can remember the taste of you” confession and now this Drake guy with his “We’ll see about that”.

We certainly will not. And Jax would ~not~ get another taste of me, not if I had anything to do with it.

These guys should find some submissive girl to screw or date or whatever they wanted with me. I wasn’t going to be anyone’s girlfriend or lover or anything else. They should give up.

Jax had already given up. Now it was Drake’s turn to forget whatever fantasy he had about our less-than-memorable fling.

Once I was safely in my car, I dialed Laura.

“I need to get drunk,” I told her as soon as she picked up.

“Good,” she responded immediately, “there’s a party I heard about. A sex party.”

My interest was piqued instantly. I’d do anything to forget everything right now. “Count me in.”

***

The last thing I remembered from that night was driving with Laura to her friend’s house, where the sex party was happening. After that, I must have gotten so wasted that I couldn’t remember a thing.

When I woke up at five the next morning, naked among a sea of other naked bodies, with cum all over my body, my hair, and my face, I could easily guess what had happened the night before.

And for the first time since I’d entered the world of promiscuity, I felt empty, hollow, numb, and sad.

So sad, that as I lay there exposed and vulnerable, tears slipped from my eyes and trickled down my face.

This is who I am, I thought. ~This is who I’ll always be because I can’t offer anyone anything else~.

This was the only world that remained constant, no matter what, and since I needed that stability, I made this world my own.

No one would take this away from me.