From then on, things got worse. He was miserable because he had turned down a new opportunity, a chance for an exciting challenge.
Suddenly, the New York office wasn’t enough for him.
I was worried that he would end up resenting us for it, so I told him to take the opportunity and go for it. We would stay in New York while he came home on the weekends.
I wasn’t thrilled at the idea of being a single weekday mother, but I knew how important it was for him and I couldn’t be the one that stood in his way.
We only had a few weeks before the day came for him to leave. He was initially doing a full two weeks there as he would be working all hours.
Then the plan was for him to return home Friday evenings and head back to Chicago on Mondays in the early morning.
But that lasted a few weeks until he had to work more and more. Then it went to Saturdays returning home and back to Chicago Sunday nights.
One night with him wasn’t enough. We were struggling. I knew it was as stressful for him as it was for me, so I had to be the one to put a stop to it.
It was ripping us both apart, and Annie was only going to be stuck in the middle.
After almost four months of hell, I picked up the phone to make the dreaded call.
I had gone back and forth with this decision, but in the end, I knew I had to do it. He would never leave us both, so I had to decide for him.
“Hello there,” he says as he answers his phone. He sounds tired. It’s 10 p.m., and I would put money on him still being at the office.
“Hey there, you still at work?”
“Yeah, just finishing some stuff up, but I can take a break to talk to you.”
“I need to speak to you about some serious stuff, Blake. Do you want me to call you back later when you’re not at work?”
“What is it, Amelia? I can talk now. There’s just me here.”
“I don’t really know how to say this, but I don’t think we can go on like this.”
Silence.
I can hear him breathing hard as he takes that loud breath in. Surely, he knew this was coming—I had seen him in the flesh for all of three days over the last month.
It had been so hard—all I wanted to do was touch him and smell him.
“I will come home then,” he finally said.
I shook my head. I knew that wouldn’t make him happy.
“Blake, you’re doing what you love, please. You know I would never stop you seeing Annie, but as a couple, it’s just not enough for me.
“I miss falling asleep with you, waking up next to you, touching you.”
“I love you, Amelia. You and Annie are the most important things to me. I wasn’t lying when I said that. I will drop everything if that’s what you want.”
“Blake,” I said more harshly. “You want this. You love what you’re doing. Coming back to New York would not make you happy. I want you to be happy.”
“But you and Annie make me happy,” he stated in a quiet, grim tone.
“It’s not enough though, Blake. You need to do this.”
“Fuck, Amelia, it sounds like I don’t get a choice in this.”
“Well, you kind of don’t. I know you would come back if I asked you to, but I need to be an adult about this.
“I want Annie to have a happy dad. The months after you turned the offer down were the worst. You were miserable.”
I heard him sniff. It sounded like he was holding tears back.
“You okay?” I asked, genuinely concerned. I still loved him so much, but something had shifted. In those months he was miserable, I knew I wasn’t enough for him.
“I love you, and I can’t lose my baby girl.”
“You won’t lose her, Blake. She will see you as often as you’re over. She can still video call you every day, that won’t change. She adores you. I would never take you away from her.”
“And you?”
“Let me worry about me. Annie will keep me going.”
“I really will come home, Amelia. Please sleep on it, and we will talk tomorrow. I can get everything covered here and be home with the two of you by the weekend.”
I don’t argue it any further as I know he will always come up with a good argument, so I agree to sleep on it and talk further when he’s home.
When Friday comes, he’s home late. Annie is in bed when I hear him fumbling outside the door.
I get my usual surge of excitement at the prospect of seeing his gorgeous face, then comes the dread of this potentially being his final weekend here with us as a family.
The door opens slowly and he peeps his head in first like he is about to wave a white flag. “You look jumpy,” I say as I approach him in the doorway.
He smiles. “Just checking.”
Then he ventures in and drops his bag to the floor.
As I draw closer, his smile grows, and I know I can’t resist him. His lips come down to mine and we are back there. Just where we should be. Home.
He sighs as he pulls his lips away, his face remaining so close to mine our noses touch. I can feel his warm breath as he throws out a second harsh sigh.
“I’ve missed you, my crazy woman,” he says quietly.
I stroke my hand down his face. I can’t deny myself the need to touch him. “I’ve missed you, too,” I murmur.
After he has checked in on Annie, we settle down to have a few drinks.
I’m starting to get nervous—I know this is when we have to speak about our future. I know this is potentially where it all ends.
“Amelia,” he starts. “I don’t know how we can make this work, but we’re going to. We have to.”
I had this all rehearsed, but now it’s gone out of my head. Now that he’s in front of me, in the flesh, my mind has blanked out.
“Blake,” I say. “I love you, and I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want you to be unhappy either.”
“I’m happiest when I’m with you. I’m sorting some things out in Chicago, and I’m going to make some changes. I promise.”
I smile. I’m not going to win this disagreement, so I smile. This is the downfall of being with an exceptionally good lawyer.
I have had to learn when to shut the fuck up or I would be convinced to change my mind. I shake my head as I skulk off to get a shower.
The warm water helps my racing thoughts as it runs over my head and onto my body. My tears are falling, but the water hides them well.
I’m startled when I feel a presence next to me in the steamed glass cubicle. My eyes dart open to see his amazing body, naked and enticing.
I bite my bottom lip and wonder how I could ever walk away from this. He steps closer, letting the water run over him.
“Fuck, you have your showers hot,” he shrieks.
He turns the temperature down and returns to the rain shower, allowing the cooled water to freely run over his chest, like a breathtaking waterfall on my dull, dismal day.
When his lips touch mine, he pulls away teasingly, causing me to lean into him as my body demands more, begging for his touch. We both smile.
“So, you don’t want this anymore?” he says in a low, insecure tone. I sigh.
I can taste him. I can feel the water running over us, between us, and I can feel his hands slipping over my wet body. Then he lifts me and thrusts me against the wall as my legs wrap around him.
This is why he can’t continue to live in Chicago.
The weekend continues well, and I think his plan, to show me what I would be missing if I did go through with the suggested separation, worked.
He knows I don’t want it, and he has just made it darn hard for me to follow through with it.
“Right, I don’t want any more craziness from you,” Blake says as he’s about to leave.
I take a deep breath in. “I can’t promise anything. We’ll just have to see.”
“No, we won’t see anything. You and Annie are my life. I’m sorting this out, just give me time.”
I wave goodbye, not convinced that anything will change. My mind goes back to that first night I met him.
I was so intimidated by him that night, but I knew there was something there between us, something special.
Even though I did think he was a smug, arrogant ass, there was a pull, and that has never gone away.
