I got nowhere. All day, I dug into the budget and got nowhere. I was frustrated and defeated. I was going to lose my job. And there was nothing I could do about it.
What I hated was the budget was not the main thing on my mind. What was on my mind was Patrick.
After our meeting, he was cold. Distant. Separated. I knew he was hoping I would say something about thinking about him in my bath Friday night, but I just couldn’t. Not after dinner with Valentina and watching her life implode.
I finally left the office way too late, hating that I was putting my job ahead of my kid. It wasn’t fair to Paul, and I wanted to change it. Guess I’d have plenty of time to spend time with him when I lost my job.
Paul had already eaten dinner when I got home. He was at the table doing homework and talking to Sam.
“Hi, Sam,” I said, hugging my son and waving at Sam.
“Hi, Ms. Spear. How are you?” Sam asked, smiling at me through the screen.
“I’m good. How are things at home?”
She winced. “Not great. My dad hasn’t been back since Mom told him to leave.”
“How’s your mom doing?”
Sam shrugged. “I think okay. She’s acting pretty normal.”
“Good. I’ll check in with her in a little while. Did you guys eat yet?”
“Yeah,” Sam said as she nodded.
“Mom,” Paul groaned softly.
“Good to see you, Sam,” I said, waving to her before I left to change out of my work clothes.
I heard Paul apologizing to her for me. I rolled my eyes. Because I was so embarrassing. Teenagers.
I closed my bedroom door and stripped off my clothes from the day. I was tempted to take a shower, or a bath, but I had already missed enough of Paul’s day. I changed into my pajamas and used the bathroom, then went back to the kitchen.
Paul was saying goodnight to Sam when I walked in. They were cute, even though they were too young to be cute.
“How is Sam doing?” I asked once they hung up. I knew Paul had a hard time when his father and I divorced and he would be there for Sam, but I still hated that she was going to be facing it.
“She’s okay. Her dad was always kind of a jerk anyway. She wasn’t really close to him.”
“He’s still her dad.”
Paul rolled his eyes at me. It was something I told him all the time about his own father. No matter how frustrated he would get, Charles was still his father.
“Donating genetics doesn’t make someone a parent,” Paul argued.
I sighed. “I’m not in the mood to argue with you. Your dad never wanted to hurt you. I can’t speak for Sam’s dad, but most people don’t want to hurt their children. You know it’s not easy for any of them. It’s going to be a tough few months.”
Paul nodded. “Yeah. She’s acting like she’s okay, but I know it’s going to suck.”
“Yes, it is.” I hated that he understood just how much it would suck. “You already ate?”
“Yeah. I was hungry, and I didn’t know how late you were going to be.”
“It’s okay. I understand. How’s homework going?”
“Good.”
I fixed my plate and sat next to him at the table. I looked at his computer. “Chemistry?”
He nodded. “Yeah. We’re mostly doing review for finals.”
“You think you’re going to do okay?”
“Yeah.”
He went back to his work while I ate my dinner. It was the best I could expect. It wouldn’t be long before he was closing his computer and going to his room to talk to Sam again.
“Want to watch something with me tonight?” I asked.
He shrugged. “What do you want to watch?”
“I don’t know. Is there anything you’ve been wanting to watch?”
“No. Well, there’s this movie…”
“What movie?”
He hemmed for a minute before saying, “It’s about this monster that’s hunting people and if they make noise, it finds them and kills them.”
“Seriously? That’s what you want to watch?”
“We don’t have to.”
“Let me think about it. You know I’m not a fan of horror movies.”
“It’s fine. We don’t have to.”
I hated the way his shoulders slumped. Charles was the horror fan. He was the one who got Paul into those movies. It was a bonding thing for the two of them. And since Charles and I divorced, Paul hadn’t had anyone to watch scary movies with.
“I’ll watch it with you,” I said.
“You don’t have to, Mom.”
“No, I want to. I know you miss watching those with your dad.”
He shrugged. “I know you don’t like them.”
“But I love you. And I will suffer through it for you.”
He grinned. “Yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Let me clean up and you can get the movie going. As long as your homework is done.”
“Yeah, it’s all done. I was just doing some review stuff. Thanks, Mom.”
I smiled at him. His excitement was palpable. It was good to see. I’d missed his grin.
He turned on the TV and found the movie while I cleaned up. When I joined him on the couch, he pressed play and I grabbed a pillow to hug and a blanket to cover my eyes if I needed it.
I was definitely going to need it.
I jumped at every sound in the movie. I hid behind the blanket. Paul laughed at me, but he didn’t say anything about how much of a wimp I was. He just enjoyed being able to watch a movie.
When it was finally over, thank God, he turned to me. “Thanks for watching with me, Mom. I know you don’t like these movies.”
“You’re welcome. And I don’t, but you do. I want to do things you enjoy, too.”
His lips turned up in a small smile. His eyes glazed over. It was the look he got when he was thinking about his father.
“Are you okay?”
He shrugged. “Just realizing a few things.”
“Like?”
“Like I always felt like I was closer to Dad. When he left, I was angry he didn’t take me with him. Not because I didn’t want to be here, but because I…”
“You and your dad had a different connection,” I provided for him.
He nodded.
“And now?”
He shrugged slightly. “Now I see that we only had that connection because you encouraged it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just that things are different, and it feels like Dad doesn’t know anything about me anymore.”
“It’s hard when he’s not living with us,” I hedged. I would never speak poorly of Paul’s dad to Paul, even if I wasn’t always thrilled with him.
“Mom, you can cut the crap. Dad chose his new husband over us. When he left you, he left me, too. He didn’t want me in his life, and he’s proven that since he’s been gone.”
“Honey—”
“You don’t have to defend him to me. I wish he cared more about me, but he’s made it clear I’m not as important to him as I once thought I was.”
“A child is supposed to believe they’re the center of their parents’ world. In my opinion, a child should be the center of their parents’ world, not just think they are. But your father… His world has changed a lot in the last few years.”
“Maybe, but maybe not. Dad came to stuff when you didn’t. He showed up when he had to. We would watch these movies because he liked them. A lot of the things that happened were because it was what he wanted.”
“Paul, don’t start to paint your father as someone who doesn’t care. He loves you very much.”
“I know. But there’s a difference between loving someone because you have no choice and loving someone because you can’t imagine your life without them in it. He’s not the second one.”
“Paul—”
“I think I’m going to get some sleep. It’s late.” He stood and hurried to his room, leaving me to stare after him.
I drew a breath and debated calling my ex-husband. It wouldn’t fix anything if I did. For the last few years, I’d been trying to bridge the gap between the two of them, and I was failing. But it wasn’t my job to keep them connected. If Charles wasn’t interested in knowing the amazing man our son was becoming, I couldn’t force him to. Even though it killed me to stand back and watch Paul get hurt over and over again.
I turned off the TV and cleaned up our snacks. I folded the blanket I’d used and shut off the lights, then headed toward my room. I knocked on Paul’s door and waited for him to reply.
“Yeah?”
“I just wanted to say goodnight,” I told him as I walked in.
He was sitting on his bed with a photo of him and Charles on his lap. It was one I took of the two of them when Paul was only five. They were smiling at the camera, laughing at something one of them said to me.
Paul set the picture back on his nightstand, facedown. “Goodnight,” he said, climbing off his bed to hug me. He was almost as tall as I was, and still growing. His voice was deep, and he shaved almost every day. He was no longer my little boy, but a man who was learning about disappointment in the worst possible way. From his father.
“I love you.”
He smiled. “I know. I love you, too.”
I hugged him again. When I finally let go, he avoided my gaze. I didn’t push, knowing he was struggling with his dad. It all came back when he saw Valentina and Dawson arguing.
I left his room and headed into mine. I closed the door and sat on my bed, grabbing my phone and tapping Valentina’s name on the screen.
“Hey, Goldie,” she answered.
“How was today?”
A door closed on her end. “Well, the girls seem to be okay.”
“And you?”
She sniffed. “How can I be okay? Even though I had a feeling he was screwing around, how am I supposed to just be okay with this?”
“Are you hurt or mad?”
“What?”
“Hurt or mad? There’s a difference. When Charles told me he was bisexual, I was hurt. He kept something from me. Something major. We were friends before we were lovers, and we’d built a life together. I thought he was my best friend. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, and we were drifting apart, but we were still close. I thought one day things would get better. After Paul went to college, after work settled down, whatever. But when he told me he’d fallen for someone else and wanted a divorce, I was angry. I couldn’t believe he’d done that.”
“Okay?”
“What I’m saying is the man I thought of as my friend hurt me by keeping a secret. The man I married, who I was supposed to love with my entire heart and soul, pissed me off. My pride was wounded, not my heart. I almost didn’t care that he wanted a divorce. The hardest part was Paul. Which made the whole process easier for me emotionally, even though it sucked.”
Valentina took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You know, most people would just buy me wine and ice cream and let me wallow.”
I laughed with her. “You know I’m not most people. You need truth and love right now, and you’re not going to get either by lying to yourself.”
“You’re right. And the truth is, I don’t want to be married to Dawson anymore. God, I hate saying that.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s the father of my girls. He’s the person I’ve spent my entire adult life with. Shouldn’t I want to be with him?”
“No. Hell no. Do not should yourself into staying with him just because you have history. Take the cheating out of this. It was the reason you had the courage to tell him to fuck off, but it’s separate. If you’re unhappy, you do not need to stay in your marriage.”
“But—”
“Your daughters will be fine. You need to teach them what a healthy relationship looks like. Not teach them to sit down and shut up and take whatever a man delivers.”
“Dammit. That…” She blew out a slow breath. “I hate you.”
“I love you, too.”
She chuckled, a husky, raspy sound that told me she was full of emotion and losing her grip on it.
“What are you doing this weekend?”
“Working. And trying to stay busy so I forget my husband was screwing someone else for long enough that she picked up her entire life and moved here to be close to him.”
“So, not much?”
Valentina laughed again. “Yeah. Why?”
“You’re coming to Book Club with me on Sunday.”
“What? No. I can’t. Not when they’re all happy and in love. I’ll be the depressed separated woman going through a divorce and I’ll bring everyone down.”
“I’m not taking no for an answer. You’re coming. You need to be around other women and laugh and remember that you are fucking awesome.”
Valentina groaned, but said, “I’ll think about it.”
“You can say that, but I’ll be at your house to pick you up at six-thirty.”
“Fine,” she grumbled.
“Are you really doing okay?” I asked, my voice softer.
“I don’t know,” she said. “There are times it hurts, and times I just feel stupid. I’m trying to hold it together for the girls.”
“You need to find a way to let it all out.”
“I need to live vicariously through you. What happened with Patrick today? Did you tell him you’ll go on a date?”
“We do not need to talk about him.”
“Why not? I need some joy in my life. When you were talking about him, you were glowing. You deserve to be happy.”
“He’s just not the right one for me.”
“What? Why not? What happened?”
“Nothing happened. He works for me. I’m his boss. And I’m a lifetime older than he is. It just wouldn’t make sense.”
“So, you chickened out? You told me all about how he’s cute and he’s charming and he wanted you to think about him while you took a bath, which is so damn sexy. And instead of grabbing on to some fun, you got scared.”
“I just—”
“Listen to me, Goldie. Don’t let fear hold you back. I have for years. I wondered for a long time if Dawson was cheating on me. I figured he was on all the business trips, especially since we stopped having sex. But I was afraid to ask him. If I said something, I would have saved my girls from having another woman show up at our home.”
“I’m sorry, Valentina.”
“I know. I am, too. But don’t let it hold you back. Brantley came over today after school and was telling me he was sorry. I guess Dawson stayed with him Saturday night after I threw him out, but he didn’t admit what happened until Sunday. Brantley refused to let him stay any longer and apologized to me. I can’t have the people I care most about tiptoeing around me. That means you can’t say no to Patrick because you deserve happiness.”
“So do you.”
“I know. And maybe one day I’ll be willing to look for it again. Right now, I’m a little bruised. It’s only been a few days. But my marriage has been over for a while. I won’t settle again.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing. I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m just saying we should go for what we want. And if you want Patrick, go for it.”
I drew a breath and thought about it. All my reasons for not wanting to get involved with Patrick were flimsy. The age difference was a concern, but only because I was putting my own beliefs on him. I didn’t know him, not that well. Maybe it was time to let him in and get to know him a little more.
“I’ll think about it.”
Valentina laughed. “Good. And when you agree to a date with Patrick, I’ll go to Book Club.”
“You first,” I told her.
She laughed again. “We’ll see.”
We said goodnight, and I hung up thinking about Patrick. Valentina was right. I owed it to myself to find some happiness. Just like hers, my marriage was over long before Charles told me he wanted a divorce. And it had been years since our divorce was final. I had dated some, but no one I’d felt a connection with.
But Patrick… there was something there. Even if I wanted to tell myself there wasn’t, I knew there was. And I owed it to myself, and to him, to find out what it was and see if it could be more than flirty banter and a good working relationship.
One could only hope.
