Shadows & Spells

KELLY

After changing the light bulb and sweeping up the tiny shards of glass, I plopped down on the edge of my queen-size bed. I took a deep breath, relieved that it wasn’t a sob this time.

This was a fucking nightmare. A shaky whimper slipped past my lips. Damn it. I rubbed my face, pressing my palms into my eyes, enjoying the burst of stars that danced behind my eyelids. ~Breathe in, breathe out, Kel.~

There was no way I could teach tomorrow. I knew myself too well. I’d be a zombie twelve hours from now. Glassy eyes, sporadic sobs, an overwhelming urge to wear nothing but sweatpants.

Not exactly teacher material.

I picked up my dead phone, plugged it in, and waited for it to charge. I needed to call Bec. She had the same free period as me and was the best option right now.

She picked up on the second ring. “Heyyyyy. Holy shit, have you seen these freshman exams? Ugh. I’ve already marked four fails, and I was being kind.”

I forced a laugh that didn’t reach my eyes. “No, I haven’t looked at them yet. Listen, I need a favor.”

“Go ahead,” she replied instantly.

“I…uh, I can’t make it to my freshman class tomorrow. It’s my moderating class; can you cover it for me?”

There was silence on the other end.

“Sure, of course. I mean, yeah.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Great, thanks. They know what to do. Just follow their lead, and don’t let the slackers in the back get away without answering a few tricky questions.”

My voice was starting to crack.

“Kellllll, what’s happening?”

“Okay… I came home today, and Chad had already moved his stuff out. He was on the couch, ready to break up with me.” My voice was shaky, but at least I wasn’t sobbing.

“Fuuuuuuuck. That asshole. God, Kel. I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

I took a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m okay. No, not really, but I will be, eventually… I guess.” I let out a weak chuckle.

Bec saw right through it. “I’m coming over with pizza…and a voodoo doll.”

I started to protest, but she cut me off. “Nope, can’t hear you. I’m already on my way.” She hung up, and I found myself smiling at the phone.

Thirty minutes later, we were having a picnic on my living room rug with two pizzas, a bottle of Merlot, and napkins.

I told her about the last two hours of my life and my suspicions about the other woman. She listened in silence, chewing on her pizza.

“And this was totally out of the blue?”

I nodded, not trusting my voice yet.

She looked around the apartment, as if trying to picture the scene, before turning back to me. “You know what? Fuck that guy.”

I nodded in agreement. Of course, she was right. That’s what friends say and do. Fuck that guy, you deserve better, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But that wasn’t how I felt.

I felt like a cheap knockoff next to a French designer dress. All I wanted to do was curl up on my bed and drown in my grief and misery.

“No, Kel. Look at me.”

I met her fiery gaze.

“Fuck that guy, seriously. His name is ~Chad~, for Christ’s sake. He was a ~Chadddd~. You were always complaining about something, something minor, I know, but still. And we never liked him.”

I frowned. “What? Who didn’t like him? When did this happen?”

“The whole gang,” she replied casually.

None of my friends liked him? There were only four of us, but still, Bec, Ben, and Chuck?

As Professor Brown’s doctoral student TAs in the earth science department at the University of Washington, we’d been inseparable since our first year.

We were such a perfect fit, we’d even taken the Myers-Briggs test to prove it. Bec was the persuader, obviously. I was a giver, Ben was the thinker, and Chuck was definitely a performer.

We worked well together, and we shared everything. Or so I thought.

“Why the hell didn’t anyone say anything? I dated him for two years!”

She raised an eyebrow at me as if I was the crazy one.

It felt like a small betrayal.

“Kelly Jones, what would you do if I came up to you in your happy relationship and said, ‘This guy is a jerk. Break up with him’? No one wants to be that friend, sorry.”

“I know, I just… I just hate feeling like this.” I hugged my stomach, trying to keep the pain from spilling out, and she rubbed my back.

I looked up and saw her staring at the framed pictures on the side table.

“Maybe you should go home for a few days?”

I glanced at the picture of my dad, front and center on the table. I thought about the only place besides Chad and my apartment that I’d ever called home.

Going back to the commune for a few days sounded nice. It would be freezing, but I’d always loved winter in Western Washington.

My family’s commune was on the Columbia River, facing the Wenatchi Indian Reservation. This land was a part of me.

That’s why, when we discovered I didn’t have any inherited talent from my mother’s side, I chose to study the earth.

To understand what made her tick, how to help her grow, how to protect our land.

I thought about my schedule for the next month as Bec continued, “I mean, I know your parents aren’t there anymore, but you still have a few aunts and cousins, right?”

I nodded. “That does sound nice. I was planning on spending Christmas with Chad’s parents this year, so I guess that’s out.”

She gave me a melancholy smile, tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. But then, her eyes sparkled with mischief, and her smile turned sly.

“What’s up?” I asked, a note of caution in my voice.

“We should hit the town.”

I let out a surprised laugh, looking at her in disbelief. “Sure, I bet I look just like someone ready to party, not to mention I’m brimming with the energy of a social butterfly.”

She twirled a lock of my thick, wavy hair around her finger.

“Well, I’ve seen you look worse. And you know what they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Chuck has been throwing glances your way.”

Her eyebrows danced suggestively, and I laughed again, pointing towards the door. “Okay, that’s enough. Out you go!”

She raised her hands in mock surrender. “Okay, okay, I get it. Too soon. But I’m leaving all this.” She gestured towards the pizza.

“And don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t eat a single slice,” she added as she headed for the front door.

I wrapped my arms around myself. “I know, but who can eat when their insides feel like jelly?”

She slipped into her jacket, grabbed her umbrella, and gave me a tight hug.

“Have some wine, sleep it off, and take the day off tomorrow. I’ll handle your pesky freshmen. I promise, things will look better after a good rest.”

I nodded in agreement, catching her eyeing my hair with that playful look again.

“No. Whatever you’re thinking, the answer is a firm no.”

“Kel, you’d look amazing as a blonde.”

I nudged her out the open door with a grin. “I’m not ready for that yet, thanks. But you’ll be the first one I call if I change my mind.”

With that, I shut the door behind her, leaning my forehead against it. In and out, Kelly. My new mantra. It had to be.

I turned and walked back into the living room. The mere thought of eating pizza made my stomach churn. But wine? Wine I could handle.

I poured the last of the bottle into my glass, filling it to the brim, then considered Bec’s advice about getting some sleep.

I opened the herb drawer, took out the jar of homegrown valerian root, and added a generous pinch to my wine.

I downed the glass and closed my eyes, listening to the silence of the apartment. God, it was so quiet, painfully so. The silence was so loud, it demanded attention.

I moved to my bed and slid under the thick duvet.

The rain outside had slowed but hadn’t stopped. Fat drops hit the window sporadically, like teardrops, just enough to let my mind drift but not stray too far.

As I closed my eyes, the last thing I thought of was my mother. After the night I’d had, I wondered if she’d been right to keep my father locked away for thirteen years.