Now You See Me, Now You Don't!

CELESTE

11/15/07

Dear diary,

If I had to list the worst things about high school, it was always without question, never a doubt in my mind: PE.

I swear every gym teacher is out to brutally murder all the non-athletes of the world.

For example, making us run laps.

When I have PE first thing in the morning. Excuse me while I barf up the contents of my breakfast as my stomach screams for mercy.

Once I can’t feel my legs, it’s onto the sports and games that are supposed to teach us “teamwork” and “sportsmanship.”

Being forced to wear those nasty mesh pinnies. God. They all look grungy and smell like a fat kid’s body odor.

I swear those things have been worn by millions of high school kids over the years and have never…not once…ever been washed.

And then they don’t leave us time between classes to shower. So, if I put any effort into running or participating in the games—which I don’t—but if I did, I’d have to go through school the rest of the day a stinky, sweaty mess.

Believe me, those disgusting pinnies leave a lingering odor.

Then they force us to watch “educational” documentaries on good hygiene, sex education, and sexually transmitted diseases.

Very hypocritical. Just saying. I probably caught a disease just by entering the gymnasium.

So yea, PE was the worst.

That was until I somehow got on Maddie Knox’s list of people’s lives to ruin.

So, combine PE and Maddie Knox, and I’m planning my funeral.

Which is very depressing, by the way, because not only have I died young but I can’t picture anyone besides my family and Layla attending. Ouch.

So cue today and the dreaded gym teacher’s favorite pastime: Dodgeball.

How evil can gym teachers be! I mean really.

Maddie, who doesn’t dare participate in the sport for fear of ‘breaking a nail,’ sweet-talks her way out of the game all the time.

It’s either “I sprained my ankle wearing my 9-inch heels,” or the one excuse that always sends the male teachers running for the hills, never arguing a single thing: “I have period cramps.”

I see Maddie over by the crowd of jocks flipping her hair around, pushing out her hips and boobs, wearing a skirt that she must’ve found in the toddler aisle, and flirting with all the guys.

Yes, you’d think having Jace wrapped around her arms, him claimed as ‘hers’ would be enough for her…but no.

What Jace sees in this stupid Barbie doll is simply beyond me. Even though he wasn’t in our class, I felt bad for Jace watching her put the moves on other guys.

Anyway, yes, she’s flirting with all the jocks. The soccer players, the lacrosse players, and baseball players, and then in a split second, I see them all look over toward me.

And yes, they all start laughing.

“All right, kids, I need two captains. You and you,” Mr. Teary, the gym teacher, called out.

The rest of us all line up, awaiting our fate of being chosen.

Hmm, go figure the nerdy girl with the glasses, the girl who can’t return a volleyball, the girl who landed face-first in a guy’s crotch…got chosen last.

No surprise there.

So, as usual, in these sports games, I stayed out of the way, trying my best to dodge the oncoming balls, when I suddenly noticed all the guys Maddie was talking to before the game were all looking at me.

All with a dodgeball in their hand, and all moving to the front of the line that separates their team from mine.

Oh Shit. Oh, Shit is right.

Maddie must’ve sweet-talked her way in with the guys to make them ALL target me.

Who does that! Maddie does. The devil.

They don’t go easy on me. Ooh, No. Why would they?

All at once, with wicked grins on their faces, they chuck the balls at me. One smacks me dead in the face, sending my glasses falling, shattering to pieces on the hard screechy gymnasium floor.

So now until my parents can afford to get me new glasses, I’m forced to do the nerdiest, poorest thing that is left to do in my situation: tape my glasses together at the center of the frame. Right over my nose.

And the tape makes it slippery, so now for the rest of my days, I have to walk around like the nerdiest of nerds and every few seconds slide my glasses back up.

What’s left to humiliate me more?

Maybe I should start picking my nose and eating my boogers like Chuck Forty. Yea…no thanks…BARF.