Forgiveness

Mark

“What’s up, Dad?” Cole says when he picks up the phone.

His tone is open and friendly, and it eases the tight coil that’s been wrapped around my chest since I overheard Whitney’s conversation yesterday morning. Cole and I have mended our strained relationship since Whitney and I split up, and it’s the only thing that’s kept me sane during these miserable months.

There’s hope. There’s always hope.

“I have…” I glance down at my whiskey glass. Fuck, why am I drinking whiskey in the middle of the day? I’m such a cliché.

“I have kind of an uncomfortable question to ask you,” I say, my skin heating.

“Is it about Mom?”

I sigh. “It is.”

“Nope. I’m sorry, but you know I can’t talk about her with you. It wouldn’t be right.”

I scratch the back of my head. “I just need to know if she has a boyfriend.”

“No, Dad. I can’t talk to you about it. It’s not my place.”

My pulse starts to pound. “So she does.” I can’t keep the anger out of my voice. “She has a boyfriend, and you’ve all met him.”

“I got to go. Love you.”

The line goes silent, and I shut my eyes. I let my temper get the better of me, and it’s not a good look. I have no right to be jealous after all I’ve done. It must make Cole sick to his stomach to hear me complain about this after he caught me fucking another woman all those years ago.

I can’t help it. I’m losing my grip on my sanity.

I need my wife. I’m not ready to give up.

In the meantime, I have to know who I’m dealing with in terms of competition. I have less than two weeks left, which means only one more lunch together before the Christmas Ball. I have to up my game if I’m going to have a prayer of winning that date.

Finding out who she’s dating will guide me on whatever course of action I need to take. If he’s a family man, I can work on showing her how things have been different between me and the kids, how much closer I’ve gotten to them since my life fell apart.

It might not be a family man, though. Gorgeous as Whitney is, she could get anyone. He could be a young man. It would be just my luck if she found a sensitive guy from Cole’s generation who’s comfortable being vulnerable and talking about feelings.

But then again, I’ve been much more open with her since we separated. I’ve been too weary to put on a show for her, and it’s led me to reveal things I didn’t even know were buried within me.

God damn it, I need to know who this man is. How can I find out?

Whitney couldn’t have told many people if she really is seeing someone. She’s far too private, and she couldn’t possibly have been seeing this guy for very long. Outside of her best friend Lisa—who would never tell me anything—Cole is probably the only other person who knows. Whitney wouldn’t have told Maddy or Mason, and I can’t imagine Cole telling them either. He generally keeps things to himself with the exception of…

Livvy.

Cole would have told Livvy everything, and she’s so open and compassionate, she’d probably tell me too.

I only hope Cole doesn’t hate me for what I’m about to do.

********

As soon as I step inside Starbucks, I catch sight of Livvy at the corner table. She smiles warmly, and I walk to the counter to buy myself a coffee so that I don’t seem too eager, even though it will probably taste like hot dishwater in my present turmoil.

No wonder I’ve lost so much weight. Nothing tastes good since I moved out of that house.

I’m hopeful that Livvy will take pity on me today. The last time I saw her was when she and Cole came over for dinner. She said if I ever needed someone to pray for me, she would be there, that I could reach out to her any time.

I’m a bastard for taking her up on her offer, but I’m too desperate to regret it.

When I sit down with my coffee, Livvy’s expression grows stern. “Cole isn’t very happy with you.”

“I know. He texted me.” A smile quirks at my lips. “He called me a sneaky bastard.”

Her mouth tightens. “He thinks you invited me here to get information about Whitney. He didn’t want me to come, but I told you I’d be here to pray for you, and I meant it.”

I sigh before taking a sip of my coffee. As predicted, it tastes like hot mud. “I imagine that’s all I’ll be getting. A prayer.”

“No.” She leans forward and sets her elbows on the table. “I can see that you’re having a hard time. If you want to just talk, we can do that too.”

“You mean you’ll listen to me while I talk about how awful my life is?”

Her brow furrows. There’s so much pity in her expression, I ought to be embarrassed. It’s crazy that I’m not.

God damn. This is the power Whitney has over me. Without her, I have nothing left.

“Is it really that bad?” Livvy asks.

I laugh humorlessly. “You mean you can’t tell? I get asked daily if I’m doing alright. I have to assume I look like shit.”

Her gaze drifts over me. “You look sort of pale. Are you sleeping alright?”

“No.” I lean back into the stiff wooden chair. “I make up for it with lots of caffeine. And whiskey has been my bedtime story.”

She frowns. “Whiskey is not a cure for insomnia. Alcohol makes sleep worse. You might want to look into antidepressants.”

I shake my head sharply. “I don’t want to dull the pain. I need all the motivation I can get if I want to win her back.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Becoming a healthier person makes it more likely you’ll win her back.”

I lean forward. “So you think I could? You think there’s a chance?”

Her lips close, and she looks away. “There’s no way I could know that.”

“But you do know if she’s seeing someone.”

Her posture grows stiff. “It’s not appropriate for me to answer that.”

“Livvy…” My voice trembles. “This whole thing isn’t appropriate. I never should have invited you here, especially when Cole and I are just starting to…get close again.”

Her head jerks up. “Exactly. Why would you do this to him?”

I sigh. “He’ll forgive me. This is different than…what I did before. I’ve finally woken up. Livvy, I can’t…” When my voice cracks, I take a deep breath through my nose. “I need her. Please tell me if she’s seeing someone. Please just… I don’t want to be caught off guard. I don’t want to find out at a really inopportune moment. I’m broken right now. Do you understand?”

Her expression is full of compassion, and a bit of the tension eases in my throat. My son sure found a good woman. I see why he loves her. He’s built just like me, and she reminds me of Whitney in a way. There’s so much kindness in her you can almost feel it, like warm afternoon sunlight.

“I do understand,” she says. “Back when Cole and I were just friends, I found out that he…slept with a friend of mine, and it crushed me. I found out when we were all out at In-N-Out Burger, and he was sitting right across from me. It was awful, because back then, I didn’t want him to know how I felt, and it was hard for me to hide it.”

I wince. “What did you do?”

“I kept my head down and pretended like I was looking at my phone. I did that for a long time until I calmed down.”

I grunt. “I don’t have that much self-control. My son is just like me. What would Cole have done if he found out you slept with one of his friends?”

Her eyes grow huge. “Oh goodness, I don’t know. He might have beaten him up.”

I chuckle. “Exactly.”

Her mouth falls open. “You wouldn’t really go beat him up, would you?”

My blood runs cold. “Does that mean she has a boyfriend, and you know him well enough that you’re worried about him?” When she doesn’t answer, I add, “I wouldn’t beat him up. Or contact him in any way. I promise.”

She sighs. “I already told you it’s not my place to say anything, but I understand how hard it is to be in your shoes. To love someone and have no control over what they do. It’s torture waiting for things to happen. Waiting for them to fall in love with someone else or get engaged.”

I imagine Whitney in a white dress, her hair hanging in waves around her shoulders, her golden-brown eyes adoring as she stares up at…

“Fuck.” I flinch. “I would die.”

She licks her lips. “I know that anxiety of waiting to find out, so I’m going to tell you the little that I know about her dating situation.”

I exhale a long breath. “Thank you.”

She nods. “Last week, Whitney told Cole she has a new divorce lawyer, because…” She purses her lips.

“Because why, Livvy? Don’t leave me hanging.”

Not that I don’t already know what she’s going to say. I want to throw my coffee across the room, watch it crash and splatter on that white stucco wall.

“She didn’t say too much, but she implied that…her lawyer is interested in spending time with her. He couldn’t if he stayed her lawyer. It’s a conflict of interest, I think.”

Rage flares through my veins. Stephen Garcia. The fucker. I saw he wanted my wife at that party months ago.

“I’m going to kill him,” I mutter.

Livvy’s eyes flash. “No, you’re not. If you betray my trust like that, I’ll be very hurt. And you know Cole won’t like it. He’ll be even more angry with you than he already is.”

I exhale a heavy breath. “I’m not really going to do anything. It wouldn’t be the right move, anyway. I want Whitney back. I have to work very hard to be…even tempered.”

“If you’re anything like your son, that’s probably very hard for you.”

“It is.” I run my finger along the cardboard sleeve of my coffee cup, and a ball of ice forms in my gut. “This is fucking awful.”

“I know. Love can be really hard on the heart.”

That’s an understatement.