Carrero Series 3: The Carrero Solution

“I love you, baby … I can fix this. I want to fix this. I want you so badly that this … What I’ve done … It’s killing me. It’s ripping me apart that I’ve hurt and lost you,” his voice aches and trembles. The urge to turn and wrap myself into his safe arms overwhelms me, but I know I won’t find the relief I desperately desire. His touch will only cause more devastation to my heart.

Marissa, with her nasty snarl and wicked eyes, is running through my head, smirking at me, cackling at me. I can almost sense her satisfaction coursing through me. She’s won. She’s taken him from me in the worst way.

“I don’t know if I can come back from this … I need time to breathe, time to think,” I whisper, afraid that saying it louder will be more crushing to my soul.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he croaks as he tries to see my face in the gloom of the dim light, leaning closer so I can feel his body heat hovering over mine. He’s caging me in without touching me, and I hold my breath.

“I can’t stay.” I curl up tighter, hiding what I am from the man I love most in the world, the one person who changed everything in my life for the better. Yet destroyed it all in the same gentle stroke.

“I’ll do anything, whatever you ask, Emma … Just please, don’t leave me,” his voice is softer, almost breathless. He sniffs, and I know he has tears on his cheek. It kills me inside, despite what he’s done, I don’t want him to be hurting. I’ve never seen Jake cry over anything before this, and I don’t want to see it now. I can’t bear it.

“I need to go. I need time away from you … It hurts too much having you near me. I don’t know if I can forgive you while everything is so raw and fresh. I need space and time to think.” My words are empty, as though from another person. I wish I had conviction in my request, but I sound pathetic and small like I’m asking for his permission to go.

He takes a sharp breath, trying to fight the internal battle threatening to consume him, trying to keep it all in, but I can hear it in every noise he makes. His regret is the only thing keeping me sane right now. The only thing keeping my anger at bay. His obvious pain at what he’s done to us is the only balm in this horrible train wreck that was once our relationship.

He stays silent. The bed moves as he clenches the sheets, his hands trawling in desperation at whatever his inner dialog is saying to him. Jake in turmoil is devastating to my soul.

“I’ll have Jefferson take you back to Queens whenever you want to go.” He breathes the words as though I just stabbed him through the heart with a dagger.

If I have, I’ve also turned it on myself, and now I’m bleeding to death.

“I think it’s best if I go as soon as I can get myself together.” I don’t think that’s possible right now. My body is detached and useless, barely wanting to move, let alone get up. My heart is aching so heavily that it throbs through my chest and stomach. I feel sick with all of it. My head is light and swimming with the effort of trying to breathe. My nose is blocked from crying, and my throat is raw and raspy.

“I can’t … I can’t, Emma!” His voice suddenly turns powerful, tugging me to him in a flash, and I yelp in surprise. He buries his face into my hair, crushing me in his embrace and letting out the pain he’s been holding back.

I never in my life thought I would see Jake cry, and it’s the most awful thing I’ve ever witnessed. It has the same effect as watching everyone I love cut down and murdered while I lie useless and watch. My heart is broken in two.

I sob into his body in reaction, trying desperately to push away the thoughts running through my mind tormenting me. I stiffen against him, afraid to let him hold or let me go. Afraid to give in to the thoughts spiraling out of control in my mind. Thoughts of him and her. Afraid to try to envelope myself in him for fear of what will consume me.

“Please, let me go,” I cry silently, begging him to stop making this worse for me. He has no idea of the agony that touching me is causing or how much internal pain it inflicts.

He seems to compose himself, sensing that I’m unresponsive in his arms, and loosens his grip, letting me go. He stands and quickly turns his back to me as he takes several heavy breaths. His posture is that of deflation and hopelessness.

“I’ll let you leave, Emma, but I can promise you this. I’ll never let you go … Even if I need to chase you for the rest of my life, I won’t stop trying to get you back.” He walks off slowly. I sense it’s before he does something he will regret, like pushing me further away. He pauses by the door taking a final look at my disheveled form lying carelessly on the bed. His discarded, broken woman.

Our eyes meet, and it causes the sharpest wrenching kick to my gut, so much sadness and pain mirrored there.

Why did you have to kill me so?

“If I have to spend the next sixty years begging at your feet, Emma, then I will. You’re the only one for me. The one! … I love you with every piece of my soul, baby. I know I fucked this up, but I won’t ever stop trying to get you back in my life and your heart. Because I need you.” With one final aching look, he leaves the room, walking further into the apartment, heading toward one of his many unused guest rooms to give me space. I wish his words could comfort me, but they don’t; they only bring heart-ripping anger cutting through my grief.

If I really meant that much to him, then he would’ve never touched her at all.

***

I get up when my body can finally hold my weight, and I dress quickly. I can’t bear to wander the apartment. I don’t want to see Jake at all. I grab what clothes I can, and then, with a final walk out the door, I press the intercom button, which summons Mathews into the internal apartment. He appears, dressed in his Men in Black attire, informing me that Jefferson will only be a few minutes. He seems to know what I want, and I guess Jake has brought him up to speed like he always does.

Jake is nowhere to be seen, but I can sense him somewhere in the apartment. I can feel his presence. I’m trying not to give way to thoughts of him, or else I won’t cope. I need to stay strong to be able to leave.

Mathews agrees to have Nora pack and send the rest of my belongings later today. I’ve decided that I need to walk away, taking all that I am. I need to get organized, get back to Sarah and home, and take time to think all this through. It’s a plan and all that is holding me together. The old PA Emma taking over, clinging to organized thoughts and planning to help me get through the worst moment of my life. It’s all so very polite and calm. My requests come from a seemingly sane person arranging a little trip while, in sheer agony, I try not to show the tormented soul that I am. It’s what I need right now since any emotion would make me crumble at my own feet.

Mathews stands politely and silently as I give instructions on certain items I don’t want or couldn’t bear to have with me. His black hair is sprinkled with gray, his crinkled eyes highlighting the soft blue kindness in them. He’s maybe in his late forties. I’ve always liked him as a quiet protector, always present sort of way.

I can see why Jake trusts him to run his security both in and out of his home. He has the air and quiet gentleness of a military man underlined with a hint of danger. I’ve no doubt he’s the kind of man who would take a bullet for Jake. I like that he has Mathews to take care of him now that I won’t be here to do it anymore.

My body is held together only by sheer will as Mathews takes my case and leads me to the elevator at the outer doors of the penthouse apartment. I manage to find the old part of me deep inside that shields how I feel. PA Emma lifts her chin and sets her face in a blank mask. I take one last look around. My heart aches like a dead weight in my body, not for this apartment, since it was never really mine anyway, but for what walking out of it symbolizes. I’ve lost everything just like I thought I would.

Not because I let Jake seduce me into a one-night stand, but because I fell in love with him. I let go of so many defenses that had kept me safe.

Yet the outcome was the same: I lost him, my job, and our relationship.

Here I am again, walking out of his life for the second time. Only this time, I don’t see a way of ever coming back.