A Father's Redemption
Autor:in
Tracy Blalock
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Kapitel
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Chapter One
“You’re her father, Elias. It’s past time you start acting like it.”
Elias Dawson’s hands automatically wrapped around the sturdy frame of his eleven-month-old daughter as his sister-in-law, Mattie, unceremoniously deposited the infant on his lap.
His gaze rested on baby Emma for a brief moment before lifting to focus on his brother’s wife. She stood with her hands on her hips, a resolute expression on her face.
Although he could hazard a guess, still he asked, “What exactly do you mean by that?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.” Frustration edged Mattie’s voice as she impatiently brushed aside a strand of brown hair that had escaped from the knot at the back of her head. “Josiah and I have been taking care of Emma for almost a year now, and we love her dearly, but she’s your daughter. She deserves so much more from you than the occasional snatched visit whenever we can get away from the ranch and drive into town. Her place is here with you.” Though her expression didn’t soften, her eyes silently beseeched him. “Surely, you must see that.”
No. He didn’t see that. He couldn’t accept it.
But his behavior had been a bone of contention with his sister-in-law since the day Emma entered the world—just a handful of moments before her mother had left it.
In his grief, Elias had isolated himself from everyone, including his baby daughter, which Mattie had seen as breaking faith with both his late wife and their new child. Right from the start, Mattie had made it plain she disliked his actions.
There was no denying she had a kind heart, but Mattie also possessed a forthright nature that demanded every problem be faced head on. Elias’s choice to retreat into himself, to pull away from his family and shut out the rest of the world, ran counter to Mattie’s personal inclination. And she’d been left confused and upset by his behavior.
When it had fallen to her and his younger half brother, Josiah, to care for the newborn in Elias’s stead, she’d protested the arrangement. But Josiah had persuaded her to make allowances given the tragic circumstances.
The days and weeks had turned into months, until nearly a year had passed without Elias noticing. And while he was content to let things stay the way they were for the foreseeable future, Mattie’s tolerance had clearly reached an end.
She had never wavered from the belief that it was wrong to allow him to close himself off from his child. It was Josiah who had advocated patience. Convincing her to give Elias time and space to move beyond the loss of his wife and find some way to carry on with his life.
But how did a man move past a loss like that? Was it even possible? It certainly hadn’t occurred yet. Perhaps the torment of dark thoughts and self-reproach would be with him always. Still, he’d held out a slim hope that day might eventually come.
But forgetting would prove impossible with Emma as a constant reminder of a life that was gone forever.
Not that he blamed his daughter for what had happened. He didn’t.
The fault lay with him. He was the one who had failed Rebecca. Even with all his skills as a doctor, he hadn’t been able to save his wife.
And he couldn’t shake the thought—the stark fear—that he would fail again despite his best efforts. If he once more found himself in a situation where everything depended on him alone, would he fall short as he had before? Even if it didn’t lead to another death, he could still inflict untold damage. The kind that left lasting wounds where no one could see.
That unsettling possibility sliced through him with the deadly precision of a scalpel, tearing open the heart he’d worked so hard to numb. Pain rushed in, and he quickly clamped down to stanch the flow.
Never again did he want to be responsible for another’s well-being. Most especially not for the happiness and safety of a vulnerable child. His child. And Rebecca’s. He couldn’t be what Emma needed.
He looked to his brother for help.
But for the first time, Josiah positioned himself on his wife’s side instead of his usual stance bridging the divide. “Now that Mattie’s growing large with child,” he explained, “I don’t want her making the drive into town by herself a couple times a week as she’s been doing. And I can’t get away from my work with the horses to accompany her, except on Sundays.” He folded his arms across his chest, his expression set in unyielding lines.
Elias’s focus slid down to Mattie’s middle. The other man was overstating things a bit. His wife wasn’t due to deliver their baby until December, and it was only in the last couple of weeks that her condition had become discernable to a casual observer. But there was no arguing with the fact that she’d soon grow bigger as summer gave way to autumn.
Mattie placed her hand over the slight curve of her stomach. “Josiah’s worried about me and this little one running into trouble while on the road alone.”
Elias could understand his brother’s feelings all too well. Although he hadn’t known it when they set out from Tennessee all those months ago to join the wagon train, Rebecca had been in the family way before the start of their journey to Oregon Country. And she hadn’t lived to reach their destination.
Even though the five miles between the town of Silver Springs and Josiah and Mattie’s ranch was in no way comparable to that arduous five-month trek, which had caused Rebecca to deliver the baby too soon and with grave complications, it was little wonder that now the couple was expecting a child of their own, they were inclined toward caution.
It was during the journey west that Josiah and Mattie had met and married. She and Rebecca had become friends—and she had been by Rebecca’s side on that awful day that proved to be her last on earth.
Anyone who had witnessed the tragic end of Elias’s wife would surely experience a measure of fear that they might suffer the same fate.
He couldn’t fault his brother for doing everything in his power to prevent it. Josiah was a wise man, refusing to take any chances with the health and welfare of his wife and unborn child.
Emma patted Elias’s cheek, drawing his attention back to her. Her tiny fist latched on to his beard and tugged. He winced at the sharp sting and gently disengaged her fingers, then shifted her in his arms so she could no longer reach the coarse hairs.
She stared up at him with trusting blue eyes so like her mother’s. If she only knew, he was the last person she should put her faith in. He hadn’t been able to keep Rebecca safe. What hope did he have of doing any better with their daughter?
He broke out in a cold sweat simply thinking about all the bad things that could befall this innocent child if left in his inept care.
His gaze returned to Josiah and Mattie, searching for an alternative. Grasping at a way out. “If you don’t want Mattie traveling alone, then by all means that should stop. But I see no reason why Emma can’t stay with you, regardless. I have no issue with her only coming to visit on Sundays.”
“Well, of course you wouldn’t.” Frustration filled Mattie’s tone. “You didn’t care when heavy snowfall kept us from visiting at all during long stretches this past winter. I’m only glad poor little Emma can’t understand what her feckless father is saying!”
Josiah placed a hand on his wife’s back. “Calm down, sweetheart. It’s not good for our baby for you to get so upset.” When she turned to him to reply, he forestalled her. “I’ll deal with my brother.”
After she gave a stiff nod in acknowledgement, he shot a look at Elias, in which resolve overrode compassion. “I’m sorry, but this is the only way Mattie will agree to refrain from making trips into town by herself.”
“Your wife has an unfortunate stubborn streak a mile wide.”
The corner of Josiah’s mouth crooked up. “I’m acquainted with it.”
“My delicate condition hasn’t affected my hearing,” Mattie interposed.
Josiah patted her shoulder. “Of course not, sweetheart.”
Her eyes narrowed at his placating tone, but she didn’t take him to task over it. Instead she skewered Elias with a steely stare. “You’ve missed enough of Emma’s life already. She deserves better from you. She’s already lost her mother—I won’t allow her to grow up without her father, as well. It’s only sensible that she lives here with you from now on.”
He resented his sister-in-law’s mulish insistence on this course, but how could he hold it against her when he knew she was merely doing what she believed was best for his daughter? The trouble was he and Mattie didn’t see eye to eye on what exactly that entailed.
And now that Josiah had taken a stand, siding firmly with her, what chance was there that Elias could prevail?
There had been a time when he would have looked to the Lord for guidance, but not anymore. He’d stopped talking to God after Rebecca was taken from him. If He hadn’t heeded Elias’s prayers then, why would He care about his troubles now?
Emma squirmed in his arms, pulling him from his dark thoughts, and he tightened his grip to keep her from toppling to the hard wooden floor. But she squawked a protest as he squeezed her a bit too tightly. He hastily loosened his hold. Her wiggling didn’t cease, and his heart filled with dread at the thought of her slipping from his lax grasp.
Wasn’t this proof that he didn’t know what he was doing—that he wasn’t fit to be a parent? He needed more time before stepping in to be a true father to Emma. Not only for his sake but also for hers.
He didn’t trust himself alone with her for five minutes, never mind several days at a time. So, how could Mattie imagine that this was a suitable arrangement?
His thoughts circled, frantically seeking a way clear of this. For himself.
And for his baby girl.
On the way home from an excursion to the edge of town, Abigail Warner spotted a wagon parked in front of the two-story building that had been constructed as a doctor’s clinic and residence for Elias Dawson. She recognized the horse and buckboard as belonging to Elias’s sister-in-law, Mattie. Over the past few months, it had become a common sight. And a welcome one, as it indicated the presence of not only Mattie but Abby’s niece, Emma, as well.
Spending time with her sister’s child helped soothe the pain of Rebecca’s passing, each visit bringing another bit of healing. Abby thanked the Lord that she now saw the baby a couple times a week. The winter months had been especially hard with news of Rebecca’s death still fresh and Emma cut off from Abby and her parents by inclement weather.
She’d accepted the situation for what it was, however. Her brother-in-law had needed time to heal, too, and while she was saddened that Elias didn’t seem to find the same comfort in Rebecca’s daughter as Abby did, it wasn’t her place to judge him for the way he dealt with his grief.
No matter how his actions affected her personally.
Because even though the visits had become more frequent with the advent of warmer weather, they still seemed far too short. Abby missed her niece when they were apart. Missed seeing her bright eyes, alive with curiosity, and her tiny mouth curved in a sweet smile. Missed hearing her giggles of pure joy.
The time spent with Emma wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy Abby. Or her mother. On that—if on nothing else—they could agree. But even in this, their underlying reasons differed greatly.
If Abby had known Mattie was bringing the little one into town today, she wouldn’t have whiled away so much of the afternoon sitting in a grassy meadow and sketching. But their visits didn’t occur on a precise schedule that one could anticipate. And the wonders of the countryside in full summer splendor had acted as inspiration for Abby’s artistic nature.
Now the sun was edging toward the horizon and would soon disappear below the tops of the trees growing thick on the hills surrounding town. Doubtlessly, Mattie would want to return home to her ranch before dark. Abby picked up her pace, concerned that the other woman might even at this moment be preparing to depart.
She crossed the street, holding the hem of her skirt above the dust as she dodged the wagons and horses making their way down the main thoroughfare of town. The clip-clop of hooves accompanied the jangle of harnesses and the sound of wheels rolling over the hard-packed dirt.
Abby stepped up onto the wooden walkway that fronted what should have been the doctor’s clinic. Her gaze landed on the image reflected in the large plate-glass window. She stopped short, silently groaning at the sight she made with flyaway strands of light brown hair sticking up in a fuzzy ring around her head.
She reached up to smooth the wisps back into place and tucked the ends into the bun secured at her nape. But no sooner had she completed her tidying efforts than a slight breeze teased several curls loose again.
Heaving a sigh, she lowered her gaze from the reflection, only to note her yellow gown looked decidedly the worse for wear, as well. The gathered skirt was creased and stained from hours spent seated on the ground with her legs curled beneath her.
She gripped the fabric and gave it a vigorous shake in an attempt to remove the worst of the wrinkles. Unfortunately, putting things properly to rights would require more than that paltry effort. She needed a hot iron, not to mention some strong lye soap to take out the grass stains. Another sigh escaped as she brushed ineffectually at the green streaks marring the pale cotton.
She should go home and change into a clean gown before paying a visit to Elias and Mattie. Her mother would have insisted on it, had the older woman chanced to see Abby in her present state. However, Abby was disinclined to miss even one minute with Emma. She only hoped that neither Mattie nor Elias would take any notice of her disheveled appearance.
The heels of her high-button shoes tapped against the wooden boardwalk as she moved toward the front door that stood open invitingly. She entered the foyer, which was meant to serve as a waiting area for patients, with a bench against the staircase and several ladder-back chairs along one wall. Two doors opened off the front hall, leading to the unused examination room and doctor’s private office.
The spaces had been furnished by the town leaders in anticipation of Elias’s arrival in Oregon Country last fall, when it was expected that he would take up the position as town doctor. But after tragedy had struck along the wagon trail, leaving him a grieving widower, he hadn’t opened his medical practice as planned. Everything that had been so carefully laid out and prepared in the clinic remained untouched, gathering dust.
Not surprisingly, the townspeople—who had been so sympathetic and obliging in the beginning—had long since lost patience with the situation and started looking for another doctor to do the job that Elias couldn’t.
And when they found one...then what?
Would Elias have to move out to his brother’s ranch? Mattie would have no reason to bring Emma to town for visits after that. And Abby would go back to seeing her niece only on Sundays, when the Dawsons came into Silver Springs to attend church and buy supplies.
She pushed the worrisome thought from her mind for the time being. Setting down the large canvas bag containing her sketchbook and charcoal pencils, she moved toward the stairs leading to the private quarters on the second floor, where she could hear movement and voices.
“Hello,” she called out, announcing her arrival.
Mattie came into view on the top landing, a welcoming expression on her face. “Good afternoon, Abby.”
The corners of Abby’s mouth curved up. “You’re looking exceptionally well today.”
Mattie’s skin glowed with good health as she rested her palm on the slight mound of her child nestled beneath her heart. “Thank you for the kind compliment. And if I may offer one of my own—that yellow gown is lovely on you.”
“Thanks.” Abby’s grin felt more like a grimace, and she fought against the urge to smooth the skirt or attempt to hide the stains. Though she longed to cover them with her hands, they were far too large. “I’m glad you decided to come to town, Mattie.” Her smile came easier now. “As soon as I saw your wagon out front, I came right over to visit with you and Emma.”
She placed her fingers on the wooden banister but paused in surprise at the foot of the staircase as Josiah Dawson appeared by his wife’s side. Since Mattie usually came alone, his presence was unexpected, but Abby didn’t think about it too closely. Not when he looked ready to depart, edging past Mattie to start down the stairs.
“Afternoon, Abby. It’s a pleasure to see you, as always,” he said.
Forgetting her manners, she ignored his greeting. “You’re not leaving already, are you?”
Not yet, please, Lord.
Had she missed her chance for more than an abbreviated cuddle with Emma followed by a hasty farewell?
“No,” Josiah answered, seeming startled by the way she stood squarely in his path, barring his way.
He came to a halt three steps above her, waiting patiently for her to shift aside. One light red eyebrow arched in inquiry when she didn’t budge from her spot, and a slight smile turned up the corner of his mouth.
Abby paid it no mind. “Then, where are you going?” she demanded.
“Josiah’s simply bringing in a few things from the wagon,” Mattie explained.
Abby glanced back up at her. Despite Mattie’s light tone of voice, it seemed as though shadows lurked in the other woman’s golden-brown gaze. Which raised unsettling questions in Abby’s head. Was Mattie plagued merely by her usual concern over Elias’s current frame of mind? Or was she troubled by something more?
Those thoughts were quickly pushed aside, however, when Mattie continued, “Come on up and visit with Emma for a bit.”
Eager to accept the invitation, Abby moved back to let Josiah pass. Then she gathered her skirts and mounted the stairs that opened directly onto a parlor.
The second floor was comprised of the large sitting room and two bedrooms. The upper story along with the kitchen downstairs made up the doctor’s residence.
Abby turned her focus to her brother-in-law, sitting in an armchair by the window, with Emma perched on his lap. “Hello, Elias.”
He offered her a brief nod in return but didn’t speak.
His chestnut hair was in need of a trim, hanging loose past his collar, and a thick beard covered the lower half of his face. It had been so long since she’d seen him clean-shaven that she could barely recall what he’d looked like before. One thing she hadn’t forgotten, however, was her feelings of guilt that she’d always found her sister’s husband devastatingly handsome—and not just from a purely aesthetic point of view.
Back when he and Rebecca had been courting, Abby couldn’t help but stare at him with longing. She’d even entertained wild fantasies about him choosing her over Rebecca. Never mind that he had been much too mature for a young girl of fifteen or that, even if age hadn’t been a factor, she’d had no hope of competing with her older sister’s beauty.
They’d been silly childish imaginings, hidden in her heart and shared with no one. And if they hadn’t quite been forgotten... Well, no one needed to know that, either.
But it seemed as if the man of her youthful daydreams had vanished without a trace.
No longer was he the jovial and carefree individual she’d known back in Tennessee. He had always seemed rather self-contained, but he’d been more easygoing and undeniably happier then. This quiet, morose man sitting before her now appeared to have aged decades, though he was only in his early thirties. Deep lines of strain grooved his skin, fanning out from the corners of his dark brown eyes. Gone was his infectious smile and boundless joy in life.
She’d had months to grow accustomed to his altered disposition, but the first view of it during every visit still shocked and saddened her. At one time, he’d treated Abby like a little sister. Now he didn’t let anyone close. Not his brother or Mattie. Not even his own daughter.
And certainly not Abby.
She didn’t spare him another glance, as she focused her attention on her niece instead, assured of her welcome from the little one. “Hello, my sweet Emma. How are you this fine afternoon?”
A stream of indecipherable baby talk was her answer, accompanied by a happy grin that displayed a matched set of dimples in Emma’s round, rosy cheeks. The little girl reached out her arms to Abby.
She moved forward and lifted the child from her father’s lap. He relinquished Emma without protest, his expression showing not a moment’s regret that his daughter had been taken away from him.
Abby was all too familiar with his apathy by now. She hadn’t accepted it—but she was at a loss as to what she could do to change the situation.
Stepping back a few paces from Elias, she settled the baby on her hip. She tapped Emma’s button nose, eliciting a chortle. “Have you been good for your Aunt Mattie and Uncle Josiah, like we agreed? No crying fits or screaming tantrums?” Her fingers smoothed over her niece’s cap of silky, dark red curls.
“She’s behaved like a perfect little lady,” Mattie answered, then moved hastily to their side as the little girl latched on to Abby’s collar and brought the fabric to her mouth. “None of that now, precious, or Aunt Abby will think I’m a liar.” Extricating the damp material from Emma’s fingers, Mattie replaced it with a rag doll, which Emma immediately stuck in her mouth. Mattie pressed a kiss on the baby’s temple before straightening, her expression rueful. “I’m sorry about your dress, Abby. I should’ve warned you that she has a new tooth coming in.”
“It’s fine. I don’t mind.” Given the already wretched state of her clothing, a bit of baby drool wasn’t likely to make it look any worse.
Wood creaked as Elias shifted in the armchair, drawing Abby’s attention to him. His face was curiously blank. There were no signs of a lingering smile on his lips or affection for his child warming his dark eyes. Not even a look of mild distaste at the sight of baby slobber dampening Abby’s collar. How could he have absolutely no reaction at all to his daughter?
Abby doubted it was something she’d ever get used to. And she hoped she wouldn’t have to—prayed that he wouldn’t spend the rest of his life with a heart covered by a thick layer of killing frost.
Turning her gaze back to Emma, Abby watched the little one contentedly gnawing on the arm of her rag doll.
Emma was generally a happy child, but how long would that last once she was old enough to become aware of her father’s apparent indifference? Would she trust that he loved her when—for reasons she may never know or understand—he was unable to show it? Though he hid behind a great, emotionless wall, he must feel something for his daughter. He had to love her.
Abby had to believe that—even though his actions appeared to indicate otherwise. It would break Abby’s heart if Elias truly felt nothing for Emma. Not to mention what it would do to a young girl to be utterly devoid of her father’s love. Abby was all too familiar with the pain of a parent’s rejection, had spent too many years trying to gain her mother’s unconditional affection to no avail. She prayed for a different sort of childhood for her niece.
Father and daughter were in Abby’s daily prayers, and would continue to be. But surely there must be something more she could do to help her niece. Some way for her to reach Elias despite the distance he seemed at pains to maintain between himself and others.
The tread of boot heels on the stairs pulled Abby from her musing. She glanced up and watched as Josiah gained the second floor, carrying a cumbersome trunk balanced on one shoulder. He crossed the room without a word and disappeared into the spare bedroom. A grunt sounded from within, followed by the thump of a heavy object—presumably the trunk—hitting the floor, then a scraping noise as it was shifted across the hardwood. A moment later, Josiah reemerged, his eyes going straight to his brother, who had remained sitting motionless throughout the whole proceeding.
“No, no, Elias, don’t bother to get up and help. Let me do all the heavy lifting. I can carry in everything by myself.” Josiah’s words dripped with sarcasm.
Even that wasn’t enough to prod Elias from his chair. Heaving a resigned sigh, Josiah headed back downstairs to retrieve more items.
From her vantage point, Abby could look out the window to the wagon parked below. It was only now that she noticed the buckboard was piled high with furniture and crates. That explained why Josiah had accompanied Mattie and Emma today. But it also presented more questions than answers.
Just then, Josiah appeared in view outside and slid a wooden cradle to the edge of the lowered tailgate. Hefting the unwieldy object, he pivoted on his heels and headed back inside.
Abby turned away from the window to address Mattie and Elias. “What’s going on?”
Mattie was the one who provided an explanation. “Emma’s coming to live with her father at last.”
The news stunned Abby. “Truly?” She looked to Elias for confirmation.
He cleared his throat before replying. “It’s true enough.”
“That’s wonderful!” It was a blessing—an answered prayer. Much more than she’d dared to hope for at this juncture, in fact.
Josiah trooped past, weighted down by the cradle. A few seconds later, he exited the bedroom empty-handed and retraced his steps downstairs.
Abby’s focus stayed on Elias. While his continued remoteness concerned her, she decided she could be more forgiving of that, since it seemed as though he’d finally decided to make an effort. No matter that he obviously still struggled with it.
His willingness to effect a change could only be viewed as a sign of his heart healing. The first shoots of bright green indicating a thaw after months of cold and gloom. A renewal of faith, guided by the Lord’s hand.
Warmth spread through Abby at the thought, and she felt a softening toward her brother-in-law. “I’m very happy for you and Emma.” She graced him with a smile of approval. “This is a good thing you’re doing.”
He shifted in his chair and sighed. “Mattie’s determined I not shirk my responsibilities any longer.”
Abby’s joy dimmed a bit and confusion filled her at his emotionless words. “But Emma’s more to you than merely a duty.” It felt as if an iron band was squeezing around her heart when he didn’t offer an immediate agreement. “Isn’t she?”
