The Way Out of the Dark

“Sit,” James commanded. I looked behind me and sat down on the side of the porcelain tub. It was the kind that had the little brass feet. I noticed a small knife sticking out from the wall.

James took a hand towel from a rail on the wall and ran it under the tap.

I stared at my feet and how gross they were. They were dirty from running away from James and I hadn’t washed them since. I turned one foot to the side to see a healing cut on the bottom.

My hair would shift when I moved and I would feel it and its grease. All at once, I could feel how disgusting I was.

James grabbed my face and I flinched. He pulled me closer and wiped my chin. I didn’t want to speak, my face was so close to his.

Even after he kidnapped me and kept me there, I still showed him decency.

“You shouldn’t be nice to him like that,” James said, breaking the silence.

“Why?” I asked, speaking downwards. He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes.

“He’ll think you’re flirting with that little princess routine, and he’ll want you for sure,” James said and I shuddered.

“Why did you look so upset when he told you I was me,” I said, reflecting on how stupid that sounded. He let out a tense sigh, but it didn’t extinguish the anger in his eyes.

He tilted my head further up, cleaning my neck. James stood up. I jumped up and pulled the knife from the wall, holding it towards him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he asked. I began to cry.

“Get me out of here,” I said. I jumped forward and he moved backwards, away from the knife. “I don’t want to do this,” I said, though I secretly did.

“I don’t either,” he said. He grabbed my wrist and lifted my hands above my head but away from my body. “Let. Go,” he said through his teeth.

When I didn’t comply, he put a hand on my shoulder and pulled my wrist upward. I cried out and he shook the knife from my hands.

James kicked the knife behind the toilet and someone opened the bathroom door.

“The hell’s going on in here?” Highroller said. I could hear James’ breaths were heavy.

“She stubbed her toe on the toilet,” he said, and I pouted. Highroller pouted, tilting his head to the side.

“Poor thang,” he said. His drawl sounded almost fake, like it was for show. “Well,” he said. He looked up and down at me, seeing me in the light for the first time.

“What?” James asked. I was thinking that maybe he’d been caught in a lie.

“Bring her upstairs to my room, we gotta clean this little lady up,” he said.

I shivered. I couldn’t help but wonder why I was brought into the bathroom just to get cleaned up in Highroller’s room.

James took me by the arm and pulled me up the stairs. I prayed to God I wouldn’t trip.

The Highroller’s room was immaculate. A white fur carpet lay at the foot of a large bed with plush red blankets.

Off to the right was a large bathroom with a white tub that could hold four people at once. I stood with James in the bathroom, shaking with my head hung low.

“Please, don’t do this,” I whispered, not looking up.

“Don’t do what?” he asked. I couldn’t tell if he was playing dumb for his sake or mine, but it didn’t comfort me.

“You think I’m stupid? Like he’s just gonna let me take a bath by myself?” I said.

I thought there was a possibility that Highroller would make James give me the bath, but it was very slim and unlikely. I would have almost rather him do it because I seemed to repulse him.

I’m sure if I could see myself, I wouldn’t want to look at me either.

The Highroller entered.

“James, you are dismissed,” Highroller said. My breathing quickened. I tucked my lower lip into my mouth to stop it from quivering. I felt the dry, rough skin on my lip and began to bite at it.

“’Thought I was giving her a bath,” James said, and Highroller glared at him.

“Is she yours?” he snapped. When he raised his voice, I remember flinching and cowering.

James backed down like a scared puppy.

When I envision that moment in my head, I pretend they were wild dogs or wolves. The hunter comes home with dinner and the pack leader snaps his jaws. The hunter’s ears angle back and he backs away.

By the end of the fantasy image, regardless of how the pack leaders presented, he turns into a lion. Or even an amalgamation, a crossbreeding of the wolf and the lion.

James left the room with his tail between his legs, and Highroller shut the door behind him. I stood still, or as still as I could have been, with my fingers interlocked, one hand on top of the other.

I only ever kept my eyes on the ground in his presence. I traced the dark grout that looped around the white tile. They were shaped like pentagons.

I heard Highroller turn on the tap while I thought about freshman Geometry.

There wasn’t a lot of talking while the tub filled. I only listened to the rush of the water, the loud fast stream coming from the tap. It reminded me of a miniature, round waterfall.

The tub sounded to me like youth. When your mother still ran your baths and washed you. When the fuzzy bubbles filled the vast tub to the brim.

Now my mother is a disgusting man who says he owns me.

The faucet stopped spitting water. I heard a few crisp water droplets hitting the surface.

“Well now, don’t be shy! Go on in,” Highroller said, enthusiastically. I didn’t move. I felt nauseous, like my spirit was being lifted from my body.

“Hey,” he said, and I quickly looked up. I didn’t know what that meant. He sounded sympathetic, which left a sinking feeling in my core.

Highroller exaggeratedly covered his eyes with his hands. He slowly spun around, facing the wall. I looked at the tub. I would’ve done anything not to have gone in there.

The water was clear. It didn’t matter if he turned around—I was not a child. I knew he’d turn around when I got in.

The only hope I had was that I was so dirty, that it would fog up the water.

Highroller turned around, peeking through his hands.

“Aren’t you gonna get in?” he asked, putting his hands down.

“I-I don’t want to,” I said, trying to sound sweet. There was no way to persuade him, he was very big and I was very small.

There was no reason I had to make him angry, but he still took an irritated, deep breath.

“You see how ungrateful you are? I give you a bed, food and a bath. I even turn around,” he growled. I wanted to say that I was sorry, but my mouth wouldn’t open. I couldn’t speak.

He shook his head. He walked close to me, got in my face, and I looked down. “Get in the fucking tub,” he scolded. His voice was deeper, less showy.

He gritted his less than ivory teeth, and I squeezed my eyes shut. I waited a moment, hoping maybe he’d turn again. He stood, facing me, his arms crossed, and I swallowed hard.

I took off my shirt first. It was awkward, but I was worried if I didn’t hurry, he’d start taking them off for me. That was the first time I felt my own body since I had been there.

I was thin before I was kidnapped, but my upper arms were thin like my wrists. My ribs felt like a small children’s xylophone. I pushed down my shorts and picked my feet up to free myself.

I stopped for another moment and stood in front of him. He rolled his hand in front of him, telling me to continue stripping. I shut my eyes tight and removed my underwear.

I crossed my arms over my breasts and crossed my legs. I never had very large breasts, but I just couldn’t look at them. I felt like a little girl. I felt sick. His pants were bulging.

I walked over to the tub and stepped in. The water was still pretty warm, which, I suppose, was a comfort. Cold water definitely would’ve made it worse. I don’t think at the time I cared, though.

Highroller stood near the tub, and I sat down. I pulled my knees as close as I could to my chest.

“You’re never gonna get clean sittin’ like that,” he said. My eyes didn’t leave the water, I didn’t wanna see him. Or his pants.

He moved closer, his footsteps hitting the tile. He took a grey hand cloth from the rim of the tub and dipped it into the water behind me.

I felt the scratchy fabric rub against my back, and I began to cry. I thought of how many more baths this man would give me. How long he would keep me here.

I thought up a heroine story in my head. I would get close to him and kill him in the night. Would I have been able to do that, though?

Another school of thought led me to believe that could be my last bath ever. He could be planning some ritual where he takes my body then bathes in my blood.

It could happen at any moment, I thought. One of his friends, or even my captor, would kill me out of jealousy. Maybe an accident.

Highroller tried to soothe my cries, but it only made it worse. The overwhelming emotions I felt. The absolute fear I felt. There was nothing that could ever compare, and nothing ever will.

I felt Highroller pick up my wrist and drop the wet cloth in my hand. I picked my head up and watched him retreat to the other side of the room and sit in a chair.

I’m not sure why he did it. Maybe he was bored of playing with me, or the crying ruined his fantasy.

I washed myself then, reflecting on my conditioning. If I don’t wash myself, he makes me regret it. When I did what he said, I’m allowed to wash myself. I tried not to look in his direction.

As much as he tried to hide it, and as much as I tried to ignore it, I could see him. He had his hands resting on his groin. I knew what he was doing. I felt sick again.

I was never really ever ‘sick’ in that place. I only had moments in which I wasn’t sick. I always felt disgusted or sickened.

It was the times where I was able to forget about it, whether I was sleeping or being traumatized, in which I wasn’t sick.

After I finished washing my body, I dipped my hair into the water. While I did that, I took a look at Highroller. In the sink, he rinsed my clothes, ringing them out.

I didn’t like the thought of having to wear the clothes that that man had touched. He hung them on a towel rack to dry.

“Ain’t that water getting cold?” Highroller asked. The water was only cold when I moved, but I wanted to get out.

I nodded and he took a dark green towel up from the rack my clothes were on. He held it out to me, like a father and her child. Even that kind of thought made me lurch.

I stood, covering my privates and he wrapped the towel around me. I stepped out of the tub and I could feel him pulling me.

“What a good girl you are,” he cooed and I shivered. My mouth tasted like iron. He rubbed the towel against my arms and my back. I protected myself, clasping the towel closed.

He abruptly pulled the towel over my head and tried to dry my hair. Panic flew up my body and clammed up over myself.

When he was satisfied, he wrapped the towel back around me.

“Would you like to meet the rest of the boys?” he said, condescendingly. I nodded. I didn’t feel like talking. There was nothing I could’ve said other than yes anyways.

Highroller led me out of his bathroom, with the towel still on. He walked in front of me down the stairs. I thought about pushing him, but by the time I had, we were already halfway down.

I also wasn’t completely sure if he’d survive from the top either. I’m sure that’s what he was thinking, too.

“Alright!” Highroller exclaimed, clapping his hands. It made me jump.

“You know James here. He’s the gentleman that so graciously brought you here to me,” Highroller said, displaying James with an open palm. He was sitting at a round table, reading.

“He’s always reading, this one. Whatcha got now?” Highroller asked, sounding uninterested, to me at least. It all felt like some kind of fucked up interview.

“Gerald’s Game,” he said. Interesting. I wanted so badly to ask him why. What part of it did he find appealing? The fact that Jessie from the story is trapped?

Does he root for Jessie like the rest of us? And if so, would that be more or less fucked up?

“I know, boring,” Highroller said to me. I looked up at him and forgot I could speak.

“I think it’s a good book,” I paused and looked at James, “I understand Jessie’s struggle.” I stared dead into his eyes. He cleared his throat and returned his eyes to his book.

Highroller ushered me forward, towards another door. I looked back at James. His features were so soft when he read. Defenseless, I thought, he was my plan B.

I was pushed through a swinging wooden door into a canteen area. Leaning against the island in the middle of the room was another man.

“Ah, funny-man! This is Leo,” Highroller said. Leo turned his head then stood up straight.

“Oh, hey,” he said casually, a chunk of apple in his cheek.

He was slightly taller than me, and not too much older. It surprised me to see someone as young as me, if not only a few years older, in a place like this. I could’ve known him.

He had cognac brown eyes and clean hair. He also had tan skin. I stared at the apple in his hand and noticed his fingernails were clean. Highroller’s weren’t.

He must’ve seen me staring at the apple. Leo picked up a small black knife that was lying on the counter and sliced off a piece of the apple.

He pulled the knife towards him, holding the piece with his thumb. He moved it to my mouth and I jumped. I looked at him and gently grabbed the apple with my lips and let it slip in my mouth.

I let the apple sit in my mouth. I felt the soft texture of the fruit and scraped at it with my lower teeth. I bit into the piece and tasted the sweetness of it, relishing in it.

“Thank you,” I said, blinking my light lashes. He smiled a little and nodded.

“I’m sorry, is there something I’m not aware of?” Highroller interjected sharply. Leo shifted uncomfortably.

“Yeah Dad, I’m the one who feeds her,” he explained. Dad.

Highroller pushed past me. He took Leo’s apple and threw it on the floor, bits of it going everywhere. He threw Leo into a wall and held him there by his throat.

“Why are you feeding my girl?” Highroller shouted in Leo’s face. His hands tightened around Leo.

My memory altered who I had seen feed me. I pictured Leo dropping food in front of me and it made sense, too. I wasn’t sure why I thought it was James, perhaps because he was the only face I knew.

“Y-you told me to, remember?” Leo choked out. There was a moment of silence before Highroller let him go. Leo doubled over and coughed, holding his throat.

“Sorry about that, little lady,” he said, walking back over to me. He tried to touch my arm and I pulled back on instinct. I didn’t want the hands that did that touching me. But he grabbed my arm tightly.

“Leo, where are the twins?” he asked. His tone was more regular, like nothing had happened.

“They’re out,” Leo said, catching his breath. I stared at him. I almost hoped he would be okay. He didn’t seem to be so bad. He made eye contact with me and scowled.

“Stupid bitch,” he said under his breath. I retracted into myself as Highroller pulled me out of the canteen.

Highroller took me back up the stairs. As we ascended, I looked over at James, who was still reading. He was further into Gerald’s Game.

Was he rushing? Did he want to see if she dies or if she lives?

I was pushed into Highroller’s room and he shut the door. That wasn’t good. All of the alarms in my head were going off. I was already trying to think of excuses and ways out.

“Get on the bed,” Highroller said. My heart sank. I started shaking. I wasn’t ready for this.

“Why?” I asked, innocently. I was stalling, trying to think of a way to say no and get away with it.

“Because I’m going to make you feel happy,” he said. Every muscle in my body tightened. My jaw locked and I started tearing up. I touched my clavicle, a habit I had that ended up benefiting me.

“M-my necklace,” I lied, looked down, “Oh no, it’s gone. Could I go look in the room I was in downstairs, please?” I begged.

I used the panic I felt to convince him to let me downstairs. Maybe I’d even trip down the stairs to hurt myself.

“After,” he said, sternly.

“Please? It would make me feel so much more relaxed,” I said, putting emphasis on ‘relaxed’.

He sighed and opened his door, leading the way downstairs. He took a left and I followed him. He opened the door and motioned for me to go in. I walked in and the door closed behind me.

This wasn’t my room.