Piper Rayne
Sedona
Being pregnant for the second time is so much easier than the first. Then again, I don’t have the heavy heart I had when I was pregnant with Palmer.
Being asked about the father doesn’t bring me that feeling of shame. If anything, this time around, people in town beam at the father and look at me as if I’m an angel.
One thing that hasn’t changed is my nerves whenever I’m at the doctor’s office for an appointment. But overall, I’m more relaxed and at peace this time around.
I see how my mom was able to have so many kids.
The exam room is the same as always—the table situated by the window, two visitor chairs by the desk with the computer on it, and a doctor’s stool on wheels tucked underneath the desk.
The posters depicting the inside of a pregnant woman at various stages of her pregnancy make me look at my swollen belly with amazement every visit.
Still, there’s a buzzing inside me. A feeling of being off-kilter that I can’t shake.
Jamison being back in my life at the same point as I was pregnant with Palmer when I left him has warped me back to that time in my life.
The hurt and confusion, that feeling that I wasn’t enough, have replanted and sprouted up inside me. But I refuse to allow my fear to be my demise.
A short knock and Dr. Estes pokes her head in. “Ready for me?”
I nod and she opens the door fully, leaving it slightly ajar.
“I just saw Daddy rush into the waiting room.” She smiles and sits on her stool.
I stiffen at the news that he’s here, and a new form of tension wraps around me. He’s going to see right through me, and he’s going to ask about Jamison.
And I’m already about a minute from breakdown just from thinking about him.
“How are you feeling?” she asks.
But my attention is on the door. He must’ve rushed over on his lunch. Last we discussed, he couldn’t make today’s visit. “I’m good.”
She types a few things on the computer. “Any contractions?”
“Nope.”
“Since your first delivery went smoothly, I don’t anticipate anything different with this one.”
A soft knock lands on the door even though it’s ajar.
Dr. Estes smiles at me like Get a load of this guy. “You can come in.”
Easton walks in first with a Dum Dum sucker in his mouth. I see now what took them so long to get from the reception area to the exam room.
My nephew likes to stop and check out everything, and he always has a million questions. Austin peers in as though he’s afraid I’m in the stirrups already.
“I called in a sub at the last minute. I didn’t want to miss your appointment,” Austin says.
I give him a warm smile.
“Hey, you.” Dr. Estes raises her hand in a high five for Easton, and he slaps hers.
His auburn hair from Holly has already turned darker like Austin’s, but his cute freckles are all Holly shining through.
“I heard you’re going to be a big brother,” Dr. Estes says.
“Yup,” Easton says and turns to me. “Aunt Sedona, can I touch your belly?”
Easton’s been obsessed with my stomach, always talking to it and touching it. Telling the baby what he’s going to do for it and what his parents are doing to prepare for her.
He’s going to be the best big brother.
“Let the doctor check me out first,” I say.
He crawls up on the waiting chair. The chairs that were usually empty when I was pregnant with Palmer.
“And Mommy? Where’s she?” Dr. Estes asks Austin.
“Holly’s stuck at work.” He touches my shoulder. “You doing okay?”
I suck back my emotions. This is such a happy time for my brother and Holly, and I’m not going to ruin it with my own shit. I offered to carry their baby after Holly suffered two miscarriages.
The fertility treatments had already cost them so much money and I couldn’t bear to see them go through any more disappointment.
After Austin stepped in to raise me when our parents died, carrying his baby is the least I can do.
“I’m great.” I smile, hoping he’s so preoccupied with his upcoming responsibilities of having two children that he won’t notice my anxiety twisting its way through my body, wringing me tight.
His lips tip down, and I sigh. Yeah, guess not. Austin’s practically my father. Since I was eight, he’s the one who raised me and saw me through my pre-adolescent and teenage years.
He was there, warning me when I first met Jamison, making sure my door was open. Being a teacher at our high school, he saw us and worried we were growing too close for our age and stage of life.
Dr. Estes does my exam. I’m measuring thirty-seven weeks now. Easton kisses my belly and his eyes light up when he hears the heartbeat, placing his ear exactly where Dr. Estes had the instrument.
On the way out, Easton puts one of his hands in mine and the other in Austin’s, another Dum Dum stick sticking out of his mouth.
“You want to talk?” Austin asks me, stopping by my car.
I’m parked by an open grassy area and Easton walks along the curb as if it’s a tightrope.
“No. I’m fine. He’s meeting us at the park tomorrow.”
Austin nods. “Did you tell him about…” His gaze dips to my large belly.
“No. I know I should. It’s childish and mean to allow him to think—”
“Hell no. That guy deserves to think you’ve moved on.”
Moved on? For the last eighteen months, I’ve been at a standstill. I’ve carried on with my life, but I’m not really living it.
“Can I ask you a question?”
He eyes Easton and shifts his attention back to me. “Anytime.”
“You and Holly, do you guys fight? I mean, is everything perfect?”
His lips tick up and a belly laugh erupts out of him. “Um… no. Why on Earth would you think that?”
I shrug. “You guys seem happy.”
His laugh abruptly stops. “We are happy, but we’re not perfect. All couples fight.”
Easton starts repeating his ABCs, skipping over L through P. Austin stops Easton from going from K to Q and has him repeat after him. Always the teacher.
“I just wondered. I mean, Mom and Dad were always so happy.”
His shoulders sink and he inhales a deep breath. “Being the oldest sucks at times. I’ve had to pop your happy bubble so many times over the years that I feel like the fucking Grinch stealing your youth.
“Marriage is hard work, Sedona. I know you, Phoenix, and Kingston never saw Mom and Dad fight, and this town paints their love story like a bestselling romance novel. Truth is, they fought, they made up.
“I think they were happy. They smiled and laughed a lot. Kept having kids.” He chuckles. “But their love wasn’t as perfect as this town wishes it were. You guys just don’t remember.
“Nothing is ever perfect. You take the good with the bad.”
“I know.”
He lowers to look into my eyes. “Do you? Listen to me, knowing Jamison from before he started drinking, I think he’s a good guy who veered onto the wrong path.”
I open my mouth, but he holds up his hand. “Let me finish. I’m not saying take him back. Not even close to that. Everything has come easy to you two until this.
“Maybe I have a soft spot because he lost the career he thought he was destined for, and I understand what that does to someone.
“Not that I’d change anything in my life, but for years after I returned, I would’ve done everything to get back to where I was before our parents died.
“Then Holly arrived in Lake Starlight and what I envisioned for my future changed. That doesn’t happen for everyone. I think some people get stuck.”
“That’s the thing though. I was already in his life. I was second to soccer then, and I dealt with it. Now that he can’t have his first love, it’s like I’m sloppy seconds.”
It’s the first time I’ve said that to anyone, although I always felt second best to his soccer career.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and stares at the blue sky. “The guy grew up with a love for soccer. I doubt he ever thought of you as second, but that doesn’t negate your feelings either.
“All you can really do now is allow him to get to know Palmer. She deserves to have a dad if he wants to be a part of her life. No one said you have to allow him back into your heart.”
“So just allow him to get close enough to her to risk hurting her?”
“Easton, careful.” He looks from his son back to me and places both hands on my shoulders. “I’m going to tear off the Band-Aid, okay?”
His eyes bore into mine and I nod, biting my lip.
“You need to take yourself out of the equation. You need to focus solely on his relationship with Palmer.
“If the two of you try to get back together, that just complicates things and has the capacity to ruin Palmer’s relationship with her father—or make it more difficult at the very least.
“I can’t speak for raising a kid without being partners with his mother, but I have to think that the better you two work together, the better off Palmer is.
“So right now, it’s probably best to concentrate on Jamison and Palmer’s relationship, not yours and Jamison’s.”
I swallow past the lump in my throat.
Austin calls Easton back over when he strays a little too far and tells him they’re going to go.
Easton walks under his dad’s arms and hugs and kisses my belly. “Bye-bye, sista. Bye, Aunt Sedona.”
I nod at Austin, letting him know I understand the advice he’s given, and crouch to Easton’s level to give him a big hug. I’m rewarded with a kiss on the cheek.
Children are so sweet and innocent before life takes the floor out from beneath their feet.
“Hang in there. After you get that one out, your hormones won’t be interfering.” Austin nods toward my stomach and shoots me a gentle smile that displays how grateful he is I sacrificed my body for nine months to grow his daughter.
I’d do it as many times as he needs me to. God knows he put his life on hold for me.
“Thanks, Austin.”
“Give Palmer a hug and a kiss from us.” He snatches Easton up before he runs into the parking lot.
“I will. Love you.” I blow a kiss and Easton giggles, blowing one back.
Once I’m alone in my car, I pull out of the doctor’s office parking lot. My mind can’t stop thinking about the first time I met Jamison and how perfect our destiny seemed then.