The Devil's Mercy

Mercy

Once we’re all settled in the ACV, Mom directs him to a nearby pizza place. It’s a new one, I think, because I don’t recognize the name.

Cami’s dressed in a tank top and shorts, but it’s still the kind of outfit she’d wear on set.

One of the reasons I hate going out with them is the way people stare at us—or rather, at them.

I’m not a fan of being the center of attention. I don’t like crowds. I don’t crave the spotlight. I order everything I can online. If it can be delivered, I get it delivered.

I’m not big on the social scene in our community.

Eli stays quiet during the ride, while Mom and Cami fire off questions at me. I dodge most of them, answering their questions with questions of my own to throw them off.

I know I haven’t been home in a while, but seriously! If I wanted to talk about it, I would. Get the hint.

When I shoot back a sarcastic comment that makes Cami roll her eyes, I catch Eli trying to hide a laugh. At least he’s got a sense of humor.

We finally pull up to Mateo’s Pizzeria. It looks like a typical pizza place—clean, orderly, nothing out of the ordinary. I end up in a party booth, even though I voted for a table.

I slide in first, followed by Cami. I scoot over to the far end of the booth, but Eli doesn’t take the hint and sits right next to me.

The waiters come by to take our orders. Everyone else orders something alcoholic, while I stick with ice water.

Every moment I spend with my family just reminds me of how different we are.

Even our food orders reflect that. Cami and Mom order a whole wheat pizza with no sauce and no cheese, just spinach. I don’t even consider that a pizza.

I order a supreme pizza with extra cheese and a side of ranch dressing. The diet duo across from me smack their lips in unison and let out a “yum.”

They keep asking about what I’ve been up to. I manage to deflect most of their questions and just listen as Mom and Cami fill me in on their lives.

Mom’s been named woman of the year and has offers from Playgirl. Cami’s the top-earning cam model this quarter and she’s thinking about changing up her live feeds.

They talk about the guys Cami’s been seeing, her room decor, and how she’s figured out the gender of her car.

I listen to it all while we wait for our food.

“So, Mercy, how’s school going?” Mom asks, smiling at me from across the table.

I shrug, not really wanting to get into it. I’ve never been one to talk about myself.

“Yeah, are you still doing your English thing or whatever?” Cami chimes in.

“Well, I’ve already got my English thing or whatever,” I tease her.

“What?” Cami looks confused.

“You still have two years, baby.” Mom’s face mirrors Cami’s confusion, but there’s a hint of worry in her eyes.

“Well, I did originally. But Dad… he needed me to finish sooner. So I doubled my workload.” I start fiddling with the paper wrapper from my straw.

Mom gasps audibly, while Cami lets out a loud “WHAT?!” that echoes through the restaurant.

“Mom, you didn’t miss anything. I didn’t walk with my class or wear a gown. There was no tassel to turn.

“One day I just went to the office and picked up my diploma. There wasn’t a ceremony or anything.”

Cami tosses back a shot and clicks her tongue at me.

Mom, on the other hand, looks sad.

I hate seeing that look on her face, like she’s having an internal debate with herself.

Mom is warm and kind. She never has a bad word to say about anyone. She’s loving and gentle. I hate being the one thing that challenges that.

“So what did the POS need you to hurry up for?”

Cami has every right to think of our dad as a piece of shit. He is. No question about it.

Our father is a preacher in the hills of Kentucky. He didn’t take it well when his wife left him, became a porn star, and one of his twin daughters turned into a cam model.

Despite all the love in the Bible, our father cherry-picks what to follow so he can be as self-righteous as possible.

I’m the only one he’ll talk to.

“I was writing for his church’s newsletter.” I take a sip of my water, hoping to end the conversation there. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I really don’t want to dive into it.

Cami smacks her lips and points a finger at me. “So that’s why you’re here.”

She thinks she’s got me all figured out. I hate when she does this. She’s always so sure she’s right, and she never is.

Always in the worst ways.

“Oh? And what’s that?”

Let’s hear it then.

“You’re here to spy on our sinful ways so you can run back to dear old Dad and he can talk shit about us again!” She says it like she’s got all the facts, like she’s got me all figured out.

I let out a mocking laugh, just to piss her off.

“Not even close—but go ahead and try again.”

“Now, girls. It doesn’t matter why Mercy has come home. It just matters that she is home. I’ve missed you so much, baby.”

She steps in to play referee like always. But I know she means it. My family and I may not see eye to eye, but I always know they love me.

“Thanks, Mom.” I start picking at my nails, trying to keep it subtle.

“How long do we get to keep you for, baby?” Mom asks.

“I’m not sure yet.”

“When’s your dad booking your flight? We’ve missed having you around.”

I know.

The last time I was home, I was seventeen. I was mad at the world. I was mad at everyone. I couldn’t keep it in check.

I’m better now. I handle things better, control myself better.

I know that’s why she asked it that way.

Because of the last time.

***

It was supposed to be a summer visit.

Dad always flew with me to drop me off and flew back to pick me up. He took care of everything. I didn’t have much say in when or for how long.

The courts had the final say, but you know what they say.

The devil works harder.

It always seemed like Mom and Cami got along better. They were so similar. So when I returned, it felt like things had only gotten worse. I felt like I didn’t fit in with them.

One day, Cami and I had a fight. She said, “If Dad wants you so bad, why the hell are you even here?”

Mom stepped in, and when she asked me “how long are you staying?” it felt like they didn’t want me there.

After Mom separated us, I went back to Dad’s, and I’ve been there ever since.

That last time was the final time.

***

“Hey Franni, did you check out that report I sent about the new locations I found?” Eli diverts the attention from me.

At least he’s good for something.

He and Mom start talking shop, letting more and more of their work mode creep in until I’m forgotten and get a break from being under scrutiny.

The conversation fades whenever I feel his gaze on me, scanning me from head to toe, taking in whatever part of me isn’t hidden by the round table.

“What college did you attend?” he asks.

“Kentucky State,” I whisper, barely moving my lips.

“Wildcat, huh? Yeah, I can see that.” He winks at me and grins with one side of his face.

My streak of bad luck strikes again, turning my cheeks a bright shade of red.

“Oh my gosh, Eli! Look at her, you made her blush! I don’t think anyone’s ever done that.”

Thanks a lot, Cami.

“I didn’t blush. I’m just hungry.”