Big & Beautiful 5: Fat & Fine

I still couldn’t believe I’d been dumped. After spending two months with a guy, I thought I knew him. I never imagined he would be such an asshole. He seemed sweet and considerate, kind, understanding, and decent. Little did I know he was none of those things.

I wiped the fresh tears from my cheeks and eyed myself in the mirror critically. My friends would pick up on the most subtle changes in my appearance, so I had to camouflage my misery.

Or maybe it was just embarrassment.

Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to rehash it all. Yeah, they’d want to lynch him as badly as I did, but it was just too painful to talk about. I mean, to think he said—

Nope, I wasn’t going to get worked up again. I had to meet my friends in fifteen minutes. Every Tuesday we got together for a girls’ night. What started out as one night a week to hang out with my three best friends from college had morphed into a night for six of us to get together, usually with at least one of the four men that had paired off with my friends.

Ever since the first time Mandy had brought her fiancé, Xander, to a girls’ night, I was jealous. Not in an I-want-him way, but in an I-want-my-own way. I’d always been popular, even though I was a full-figured size 20. My 40D breasts were a big selling point with most men. They were for Cade. He loved my breasts.

Damn it! There I went again. Nope, I was done crying over men who weren’t good enough for me. Especially ones who were first-class assholes.

I yanked off my red-framed glasses so I could focus on my red-rimmed eyes. It wasn’t as bad as it could be, but it was still noticeable. Fuck. Addi would see right through me. Lexi probably would, too. I had to get a grip.

I rushed from my bedroom to the kitchen. I loved my two-bedroom house, but it was quiet since Addi moved out. She and I were roommates freshman year of college at Erie University in Winterville, NY, where we still lived. After growing up in the city, Buffalo that is, going to college in a small town seemed crazy, but I fell in love with the place. Mandy and Claire were high school friends with a room across the hall from us. The four of us became friends quickly, and after 11 years of friendship, there were some things you couldn’t hide.

Like eyes that had clearly spent most of the day crying.

I knew crying over someone I’d only been with for two months seemed ridiculous. If any of my friends had done the same, I’d call her out for being ridiculous, then take her out drinking and introduce her to a new guy. I fully expected similar treatment.

I threw a spoon into the freezer then rushed back to my bedroom. All day I’d been in the same clothes and I could go for something fresh. Being a photographer wasn’t a grueling job, something my mother reminded me of regularly, but after working all day I felt a little stale in the same thing.

Oh, hell, who was I kidding. I just wanted to look cute when I went out. Normally I’d say because you never knew when you’d meet someone, but that night, well, I just wanted to make sure no one picked up on my mood.

God, if there was ever a night for all the guys to show up, it was that one.

The weather in Winterville was beautiful since it was mid-June. My favorite time of year, even though it was my busiest. Everyone wanted to be a June bride for some unknown reason. So far none of my friends got married in June, but Mandy and Xander were getting married in July. I knew I’d never be a June bride. Hell, I didn’t think I’d be an any month bride.

After the day I’d had, I wasn’t even sure I’d date again.

I tugged on a pair of jean capris and found a loose-fitting light grey top. Back in the kitchen, I retrieved my frozen spoon and held it over my puffy eyes to reduce the swelling, and prayed it worked.

A few seconds later I was back in front of the mirror. The redness wasn’t completely gone but that could have been from the cold. Why did I try this stuff when it really mattered? I should have tested that stupid theory when I wasn’t about to go out.

Oh, well. I lined my eyes and dusted on eye shadow. A few swipes of mascara and I almost looked normal. Lip gloss and a bit of blush and I could pass for my usual carefree self.

With five minutes to spare, I jumped in my car and drove over to Bite Me!, Charlie’s bakery and our meeting site for the last year. If I had any desire to go the other way, I’d be after a woman like Charlie… she could cook like a dream, she had this beautiful twinkling laugh, and she was the sweetest person ever.

Of course, she was also fat, like me.

We all were, but the others didn’t like me using the ‘f’ word. No, not fuck. They didn’t care about that one. I meant fat. They all said it was offensive to women like us. They preferred words like chubby or lush or fluffy. I just told it like it was. I was fat. No sugar-coating would change that.

But me saying it about myself and someone else calling me fat… it didn’t work that way. When Cade said—

Nope, still not going there. Not with fresh make-up. I could have another melt-down later. Tonight was all about recon. I had a mission in mind. Cade was going to regret his every move, his every word. And next time it would be me telling him it was over.

If I gave him a second chance in the first place.

I threw my slightly used Honda CR-V in park and headed in to Bite Me! determined to make the night a success. Even if that only meant forgetting about that asshole for a couple of hours.

My phone rang when I was halfway to the door, and I pulled it out, ready to tell Addi I was about to walk in. Damn. It was my mother. She’d called earlier, when I was working, and I basically blew her off. She hated my job, called it a hobby, so she had no problems interrupting me at work. I guess she didn’t get enough though if she was calling back.

I hit ignore and shoved the phone back in my purse. I’d pay for that one later, but I wasn’t in the mood for her. My mom and I were close, in the sense of we talked every day, or close to it, but not in the sense of we ever had real conversations. Most of the time my mom was telling me how badly I was screwing up my life and giving me instructions on how to fix it. I wasn’t in the mood for that.

Charlie was heading to our table when I finally walked in the door. She nodded me over and lifted her hand, showing me a plate with my cupcakes already on it. I hated when Charlie didn’t let us pay. We were there every week, sometimes more, and about once a month she gave us all free cupcakes. Of course we snuck money into her tip jar when she wasn’t looking, but still.

She set the plate with my raspberry lemonade cupcakes down next to Addi then went back to get her own salted caramel one before joining us. Mandy wasn’t there yet, but that was nothing new. She was late for everything, but we loved her anyway.

“Hey Ads, what’s up?” I asked as I took my seat. Joey was on the other side of my best friend and I nodded at him. He was a good guy, but I felt territorial toward Addi. They’d only been together about six months and the fact that they weren’t engaged, or married, was a shock amongst our friends. Claire eloped with Aidan after about a month, Mandy and Xander were engaged after six months, and Lexi and Mike, well they were friends with benefits for a while, but they still got engaged two months after they made their relationship official.

Joey was good to Addi, but he still took my best friend away from me. She’d moved in with him and left me alone in our rental house. It was nice to have the space, but I missed my best friend. I went from seeing her every day to seeing her once or twice a week.

But she was happy, which made missing her worthwhile. That’s what I kept telling myself.

“Hey, Sam, any crazy brides today?” she asked teasing me.

Addi was a teacher, high school chemistry, and while she was off for the summer I was working my ass off. In Winterville, NY, the weather was only nice for about two months. My two busiest months.

And my best friend was rubbing it in.

“Just watch it. I’ll start telling them you’re my assistant and giving out your number instead of mine.”

Addi laughed knowing I’d never do it, but damn. All summer it was one crisis after another. None of which were actually important. I hated working with brides, but since they paid better, I did it.

Just don’t tell my mother. She’d have me locked in a room doing career aptitude tests forever if she found out there was any part of photography I didn’t love.

What I did love though, was doing shoots for families, capturing the sweetness of kids and the love of the parents. Even if it was just for a few minutes, I loved seeing the perfect imperfection of a family. The mess of families were just part of what made them wonderful.

“How many more days?” I asked Addi, directing attention away from my troubles and back to her. After years of working with people I found it was easy to distract them by asking about the things they were excited about. As much as Addi loved her job, she lived for summer break. Since this would be her first with Joey I knew they were planning a few trips and way more fun than I would get to have over the summer.

“Six more days,” Addi breathed as though it took effort. “But they’re exam days so I don’t have much going on. I’ll have to grade all my exams, but I only have five classes. I’ll proctor a few exams and spend the rest of the time in my classroom getting ready to leave for ten weeks.”

She leaned into Joey as she spoke and I could tell they’d already planned something big. Wondering what it was, I found myself jealous again… and thinking I’d never have what she had. I wasn’t strong enough to get hurt again.

“What are you guys planning?”

I directed the question at Joey so he wouldn’t feel left out, but I didn’t think he would feel included for a while. It was hard to break into our circle, not because we weren’t nice, but because we had so much history. Addi and I had lived together for eleven years until Joey came along.

“Since some of us still have work, we’re only doing a few trips. I think we’re going to head up to Niagara on the Lake one weekend, maybe down to the Finger Lakes, and we might even head out to New York City. It’ll be fun.”

Joey was beaming at her and I knew he would pop the question soon.

Addi was lucky to have him. And yeah, I encouraged her to date him. Addi met Joey when she was trying out casual sex for the first time ever. Joey was the lucky guy who stumbled into her path when she was on the hunt. Addi didn’t want to fall for him, but everyone except Addi knew she’d never survive a relationship that was based purely on sex. Their road was a little rocky, but there was no denying they were great together.

“That sounds like a great summer,” Lexi chimed in. She knew my reservations about Joey, but after getting married to Mike she had more in common with Addi’s situation than with me. I knew she was trying to be supportive.

“Claire, you’re hosting Mandy’s shower, right?” Charlie asked.

Claire nodded. “Yep, everything is all set. It’s a couples shower so the men are coming too. It’s going to be at my house though so Mandy and Xander don’t have to worry about clean-up.”

“And we can’t tell you how much we appreciate that,” Mandy said, dropping into the seat next to Claire. “It’s going to be so much fun. But no games or stuff like that. Basically just a chance for everyone to hang out and give us presents.”

We all laughed at Mandy knowing she was being totally serious. Mandy loved presents, something Xander had picked up on quickly and took care of regularly.

Xander was right behind Mandy with their cupcakes and drinks. He took the seat next to her and passed her red velvet cupcakes and hot chocolate over. I didn’t understand how Mandy could drink hot chocolate, even in the summer, but I lived on coffee some days and knew it wasn’t that different.

Mandy was the bubbly one among us most of the time. Working in customer service had given her that outgoing personality. Claire was usually relatively quiet, although since she got together with Aidan she’d come out of the shell she hid in for the first decade I knew her. It helped that she’d started an organization helping prevent rape and was now a paid public speaker. She couldn’t hide with so much of her personal history being public knowledge.

Between the two of them they carried most of the conversation for the rest of the night. Everyone was making summer plans, even though all of us except Addi had regular jobs. Mandy and Xander had a trip to Cape Cod planned, Claire and Aidan were going to Mackinac Island in Michigan, and Lexi and Mike were going to Washington DC. Charlie even said she might get away for a few days since she’d just hired Addi’s student, Kendall, and she was working full time for the summer.

I was the only one stuck in Winterville, working like a slave, for ten weeks.

No, I was going to be changing myself. Improving myself. I would be a whole new Sam by the end of summer.

When we all finished our cupcakes and the couples made it known they were ready to head home, we cleaned up and said our goodbyes. I walked out with my arm through Addi’s and asked if we could talk for a minute. Joey took the hint and said he’d wait for her in the car.

“I know you don’t like him,” Addi began.

“This has nothing to do with Joey. And I don’t not like him. I just miss my best friend. I know he’s good to you and you love him. Anyone can see he’s completely devoted to you. You’re lucky, I’m just jealous of him.”

“Ooh, Sam. I never knew you went that way,” Addi teased me.

I rolled my eyes but grinned. “You know if I did I’d go for Charlie so she could cook for me. I’d never marry someone who had the whole summer off and rubbed it in.”

Addi threw her head back and laughed. She knew I hated it when she reminded me of her career, but she did it anyway. She also knew I loved my job and would never become a teacher no matter how great the hours were.

“Okay, then if it’s not to tell me to leave Joey, what did you want?”

“I was wondering if you’d tell me about your gym. I think I’m going to start exercising.”

Addi eyed me carefully. She knew I’d never shown an interest in exercise before. I’d often criticized her for bothering with it, claiming it was a torture tactic invented by skinny people.

I waited for her to ask why the change of heart and to jump on me for giving in. To tease me and say she knew eventually I’d cave. Or to just question why I’d care.

But she didn’t.

Addi just nodded. “Sure. It’s called Dave’s Gym. It’s sort of a hole in the wall, but inside is pretty great. They have trainers on staff that are included in your membership and all the exercise machines you could imagine plus weights. They offer a few aerobic classes, but not too many. Mostly it’s men, but there are always women around. I’ve never felt out of place even though I’m heavy. I think you’ll like it there.”

I catalogued the information as she spoke, knowing I’d go check it out before I committed. If they had a website I’d look that over too just to get a feel for the place. It sounded decent though, like someplace I’d be okay going to, especially if Addi liked it.

“I can go with you tomorrow after school if you want.”

“Oh, no, that’s okay. I think I’d rather exercise in the morning when everyone else is at work. You know, fewer people to scare off with my fatness.”

Addi cringed at the f word but didn’t correct me. “Okay. Well, let me know what you think. And if you need anything there just ask one of the trainers. They’re great.”

“Any one in particular I should ask for?”

Addi shook her head after thinking for a second. “Nah. They’re all pretty good. The ones I’ve worked with at least. They do have female trainers too so if you’re not into having one of the guys you can ask for a woman. They really work hard to make sure everyone is comfortable there.”

“Sounds like a good place. Thanks.”

Addi looked like she wanted to ask more, but she clamped her mouth shut. We said good night, and I told her to say bye to Joey for me. I could at least try to be nice, right?