Discovering Us Spin-off: Deliberation

Never in a million years did I imagine I’d be sitting in a hospital waiting room with one of my moms, anxiously awaiting confirmation of my pregnancy.

I’ve always been meticulous about protecting myself from unwanted pregnancies and diseases.

I feel betrayed, hurt, and honestly, terrified about the life growing inside me. Cody, the supposed father, ran for the hills when I told him about my symptoms and their implications.

“Get rid of it. I don’t want to be a dad,” were his exact words.

Now, I’m facing this alone, and it’s frightening. I had planned to wait at least a decade or more before considering motherhood.

I had dreams of establishing my career as a dentist.

I wanted to live life to the fullest and travel the world.

I wanted to fall in love repeatedly until I found the one I wanted to settle down with.

Then, I wanted to explore the world with them, buy our first home, adopt our first pet…

But all those dreams are shattered now, thanks to this tiny life inside me that’s making me feel sick and causing me to break out in hives.

I fear no man will want me now.

My body will change, my future put on hold.

I worry I’ll never fall in love again.

I won’t have my career, my house, my pet…my happily ever after.

Who would want to take on another man’s child?

“Miss Tilly Ballard-Mason?” The petite blonde receptionist calls my name.

I try to ignore her, to stay in my bubble of denial, but my mom won’t let me.

“Come on, Tilly. You can’t ignore this pregnancy,” she says.

She’s right, of course.

By my rough estimate, I have about fifteen weeks left to make a decision.

I’m not sure how far along I am because I haven’t had a period since I started using the implant two years ago.

Plus, I’ve always used a condom during sex, and only one has ever broken.

That’s why I’m guessing I’m about two months pregnant.

The only time a condom broke was two months ago, during a quickie in the car outside my mom Sophie’s house.

Sophie, my biological mother, acts more like a roommate than a parent.

We live together, but she’s rarely home due to her own romantic escapades.

Life with her is easy.

There are no rules.

No curfews or arguments because we each do our own thing.

Sometimes, we share a quiet dinner together.

My other mom, Violet, the one who stepped up to be the perfect mother figure, guides me into the ObGyn’s office with a comforting hand on my back.

“Ah, Violet, it’s lovely to see you again. Good morning, Miss Mason.”

“It’s Ballard-Mason…”

“Tilly… I’m so sorry. Pregnancy hormones seem to have caused a lapse in etiquette.”

I don’t understand why Mom always makes excuses for me.

No matter how I behave, she always has a justification.

I suppose pregnancy and hormones are valid excuses, unlike being tired or stressed or blaming it on ‘that time of the month’ when I don’t even have a period.

“Sorry, Miss Ballard-Mason.”

I don’t know why I corrected her.

I’d rather be a Henderson like everyone else, but it seems I was never given the family name…

“Just call me Tilly.”

“Very well. So Tilly, what brings you in today?”

“My birth control and condoms both failed me and now I have an unwanted guest residing in my womb a decade too early…”

The doctor smiles at my comment as if it’s amusing, but I don’t find it funny.

I find it incredibly fucking problematic.

“When was your last period?”

“The month after I had my implant placed…”

“So.” She checks something on her computer before turning back to me. “Twenty-two months ago?”

“Sounds about right.”

“That’s not uncommon with the implant. Okay, so the best course of action would be to test your blood for HCG. We’ll also do an internal scan, but don’t be alarmed if we don’t see anything. Depending on how far along you are, the baby might not be visible yet. What symptoms have you been experiencing?”

“Nausea, headaches, certain smells make me vomit…”

“And how long have these symptoms been present?”

“About a week or two.”

“Very good. Okay, let’s go to the next room. Have you ever had an internal examination before?”

“No…unless she’s referring to fingering, fisting, or being fucked by a dildo…”

“I’ll be using a small wand that uses sound waves to create images of your internal organs, the pregnancy, and blood vessels. It’s completely safe for both you and the baby and is very effective for diagnostic purposes,” the doctor explains.

Mom follows us into the examination room where the doctor instructs me to undress from the waist down and lie on the table.

I do as she says, my face turning beet red from embarrassment.

“Here.” Mom hands me a blanket to cover my lower half.

The doctor starts up the strange-looking computer and begins typing in some details. Then she rolls a condom onto a small dildo-like device connected to the computer.

“Okay, so put your feet together and spread your legs sideways.”

“That’s not embarrassing at all…”

I do as she instructs, gripping the blanket tightly to prevent it from slipping and revealing my marked legs and private parts.

Mom holds my hand silently as the doctor inserts the device into my vagina.

God, if only the ground could open up and swallow me whole…

It’s been weeks since I’ve been intimate with anyone, and this parasite must be messing with my libido because I have to suppress a moan as she presses against my bladder and a particularly sensitive spot inside my vagina.

I have to bite my tongue to stop myself from making any noise as she moves the device around as if she’s searching for buried treasure.

“Okay, so there is definitely a pregnancy. The gestational sac measures six weeks and five days. There’s a fetal pole, and look, that’s the baby’s heartbeat…”

Despite promising myself not to look, I glance at the screen.

There’s a small black circle with a white jelly bean-like object that she’s measuring.

That’s all I allow myself to see before I quickly shift my gaze to the clock on the wall in front of me.

“The fetus is measuring six weeks three days. The rhythm of a heartbeat at one hundred and sixty-two beats per minute is a beautiful thing. The yolk sac is perfectly round, and there’s no sign of any internal bleeding. Everything is as it should be, healthy and normal.”

“Great…” I mutter, my voice devoid of any joy.

“Here, I’ve got some prints for you.” She hands me a few small squares of film paper that I quickly thrust at my mom.

I don’t want to keep them, let alone look at them. I’ve already made the mistake of looking up scan photos online, which led me to fantasize about a different world where I’d be thrilled to be here with a man by my side, not the woman who stepped up to be my mom.

But that’s not my world.

Sadly, the nightmare isn’t over. We return to the other room where the doctor begins to input her findings into the computer.

The sound of her typing on the keyboard is like nails on a chalkboard until she swivels around to address me again.

“We’ll need to get you started on prenatal vitamins, schedule more scans for the anatomy scan—”

“Actually, Tilly came here to discuss her options,” Mom cuts her off just as I’m about to explode with rage at the doctor’s disregard for my wishes.

“Oh. My apologies. I shouldn’t have assumed. Well, you have three options. You can continue the pregnancy and keep the baby, continue the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy, which at this stage would involve taking a pill, experiencing some cramping and bleeding, and then passing the pregnancy tissue.”

She rattles off the same options my mom had already explained to me.

She’s direct, and I thought I knew what I wanted when I walked in here, but seeing that second heartbeat flickering inside me has left me at a loss for words.

I know what I want to say, but the words just won’t come out.

“It’s okay, Tilly. You have time to think about this.” The doctor gives me a sympathetic look.

That’s what Mom keeps telling me.

But every day that this…thing is inside me is another day I start to accept it.