Her Last First Date
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Susan Mallery
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CHAPTER ONE
Crissy Phillips believed in chocolate as a cure for heartache, exercise as a cure for everything else and second chances…for everyone but herself. Which was why she’d been standing outside the Kumquat Diner for the past fifteen minutes, instead of going inside for her meeting. Going inside was too much like forgiving herself and Crissy wasn’t ready to do that just yet.
She knew all the arguments. She’d been young. She’d made the best choice she could at the time. If a friend of hers were in the same position, Crissy would cheerfully tell her to get over it and move on. Why was it always so much easier to give advice to other people, than to herself? Why did everyone else’s life look so easily fixable, while elements of her own seemed an unfathomable mess? Why was she talking to herself in the middle of a diner parking lot?
She took a single step toward the front door of the diner, then stopped.
Just do it, she told herself. Do it, do it, do it.
When the chanting didn’t work, she tossed her head and felt the light brush of her newly clipped hair on the back of her neck. She’d spent over two hundred dollars on red and gold highlights and an impossibly up-to-the-minute cut that actually suited her face. Didn’t she want to flaunt her new and improved self?
She hated being indecisive and insecure. She was a successful businesswoman, a take-charge person. She made decisions easily and except for being an absolute failure when it came to her knitting class, she kicked butt wherever she went.
Not literally, of course.
It was one meeting. How scary could that be? She really needed to—
The front door of the diner opened and a tall, good-looking guy stepped out. He had reddish-brown hair, surprisingly close to her own untouched color, and eyes that belonged on a billboard on Sunset Strip, the color of moss after rain, framed by big, thick lashes. Crissy didn’t consider herself a very sentimental person, but she was thinking an ode or two to those eyes might very well be in order.
“Hi,” he said with a smile. “Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?”
It was an opening line that deserved a movie score, she thought as she grinned. “You forgot ‘all my life.’ For that question to really work, you need the tag line.”
His smile widened, then he glanced at his watch. “More like for the past ten minutes. Are you Crissy?”
She hadn’t had to meet the devil head-on. He’d come to find her. Although Josh Daniels wasn’t really the devil. He was a kind man who’d offered to help, at his brother’s suggestion. Actually, the word “facilitate” had been tossed around, but Crissy could never use that word in a sentence without fighting a fit of giggling.
“Hi, Josh,” she said. “Nice to meet you.”
He raised his eyebrows. “I’m not sure nice covers it. You’ve been standing out here, trying to decide if you should come in for the past ten minutes. So is it me or the circumstances that have you dancing in the parking lot?”
“I wasn’t dancing,” she said primly, trying to ignore the fact that he’d obviously seen her and guessed she was slightly ambivalent about their meeting. “I was getting in touch with my inner…”
“Self?” he offered.
While weak, it worked. “Right,” she said.
“Are you in touch now?” he asked.
As much as she was going to be. “I’m fine.”
“Good.” He pulled open the door. “I got us a booth. It has a great view of the parking lot. You’ll like it. Come on, this won’t be so bad.”
As she’d requested the meeting, she had little choice except to follow him into the brightly lit interior. He led the way to a booth in the back which, unfortunately, did offer a clear view of the parking lot.
“So you witnessed my mental moment,” she said as she slid onto the bench seat. “How comforting. Having exposed myself at my worst, I have only one direction to go.”
He settled across from her. “If that’s your worst, you’re a lot better off than most people.” He leaned back and studied her. “Let’s admit the situation is unusual and awkward. So we’ll take it slow. Talk about regular stuff for a while. How does that sound?”
“Good,” she admitted. “You’re being really nice about all of this.”
“I’m a really nice guy. Incredibly intelligent and gifted…but let’s not talk about me.”
She grinned. “How refreshing to meet a man who knows his place in the universe.”
The waitress appeared with two menus. Both Crissy and Josh ordered coffee. When they were alone, Crissy said, “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. Pete and Abbey have always been so open and inviting. I just never felt right about…”
She stopped and pressed her lips together. No. She was going to tell the truth, even though it wasn’t pretty and didn’t reflect well on her.
“Until recently, Brandon has been more theory to me than the actual child I gave up for adoption,” she admitted. “Every time Abbey sent me a note or called, I never knew what to say. It was easier to stay away.”
The waitress returned with two mugs of coffee, then left.
“I’m not here to make trouble,” Crissy added. “I just thought it might be nice if I could meet him or something.”
She wondered if Josh would make a crack about her turning thirty and finally hearing the first not-so-subtle ticks of her biological clock, or if he would be defensive. Instead he simply regarded her thoughtfully with his soulful green eyes, saying nothing.
“What are you thinking?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.
“That you’ve spent a lot of time beating yourself up about giving up a baby for adoption. You were what—seventeen?”
When she got pregnant, but eighteen when he was born. “I’d finished high school,” she said, not sure if she was explaining or trying to manipulate him into yelling at her.
Because he was right. She did beat herself up a lot. She’d taken the easy way out—she’d chosen to have the life she’d planned instead of raising her child herself. No matter how she rearranged the facts, she couldn’t seem to make herself the honorable party.
Josh continued to study her. “Abbey can’t have kids. She told you, right?”
Crissy nodded. “The first time we met. She’d had an accident when she was younger and the result was she couldn’t have children. She and Pete started looking into adoption as soon as they got married. My parents knew their lawyer and on their first anniversary, we met to talk about them taking Brandon.”
She didn’t remember much about that meeting except Pete and Abbey had both been incredibly nice and understanding. She’d instantly felt comfortable with the young couple and knew they were the ones. But she hadn’t been willing to be a part of their family, no matter how many invitations they issued. She couldn’t allow herself—it was her punishment.
“Here’s how I look at it,” Josh said. “Pete and Abbey both want tons of kids. You gave them their first. Why would I think that was anything but totally cool?”
Despite the rush of emotion she had flowing through her body at the moment, she smiled. “Totally cool?”
He grinned. “You can pick another phrase if you want.”
“No, that one works.” She reached for her napkin and began to pleat it. “Okay, here’s another question. Why are they being so nice about this? It’s been nearly thirteen years. After all this time, I finally want to meet Brandon. Aren’t they scared I’m going to do something horrible? Like take him back or try to become the most important person in his life?”
“Are you?”
“No, but they don’t know that.”
He sipped his coffee. “Yeah, they do.”
Because they were nice, Crissy thought, again remembering that first meeting with the couple. While she appreciated nice, in these circumstances, she wasn’t sure she trusted it.
“I want to meet Brandon.” She said the words for the first time in her life. She’d e-mailed them to Abbey, but she’d never actually said them aloud before. “I want to get to know him. But not in an intense way. Something easy and casual.”
“That can be arranged.”
“I’m not prepared to tell him who I am,” Crissy continued. That decision was a whole lot more about Brandon than her. While he knew he was adopted and had a birth mother somewhere in the world, knowing and meeting were two different propositions. He was only a kid. They should get to know each other before getting into issues.
“Abbey told me how you felt and why. We all agree with your logic.” He leaned toward her. “Crissy, it’s okay. Pete and Abbey have been hoping you’d want to get to know Brandon. They feel having his birth mother in his life will give him a connection with his heritage.”
“His heritage? Great. Now I feel like a building.”
Josh chuckled. It was a low, warm sound that eased her tension.
“You don’t look anything like a building. Trust me,” he said.
The funny part was, she wanted to. There was something about Josh Daniels that made her think maybe, just maybe, everything was going to work out.
“I have this nagging sense of punishment,” she said, without meaning to say that aloud. “That I should be, or will be.”
“Because you want to meet the child you gave up for adoption?”
“Sort of.” The feeling was more vague than that. More impending doom than actual event. “Like I don’t deserve a second chance when it comes to this.”
Josh studied her. “I’m not a psychologist,” he began.
Despite everything, Crissy smiled. “Oh, no. That statement is usually followed by the word ‘but’ and some advice or opinion.”
“You think you know everything.”
“I actually know a lot.”
He sipped his coffee. “I’m not a professional, but…”
“See?”
He ignored her. “But it seems to me the only person intent on judging and punishing is you. Maybe it’s time to move on.”
Sensible advice. Advice she should take.
“So who are you?” she asked. “I know you’re Pete’s brother, but what do you do with your day?”
“I’m a doctor. Pediatric oncologist.”
It took a second for her to make the connection. “Kids with cancer?”
He nodded. “I take the tough cases—the ones no one else will deal with. I spend my day searching for miracles.”
She’d thought Pete and Abbey were too good to be true. Apparently it was a family trait.
“That has to be hard,” she said.
He shrugged. “The success rates aren’t as high as any of us would like, but I’m determined to give those kids and their families hope. Sometimes hope is all they have.”
There was compassion in his expression and his voice, which probably explained why it was so easy for him not to worry about what she’d done. In his world, giving away a healthy baby to a loving couple delighted to start their family wasn’t even a blip on the radar screen.
Maybe she should look at her situation from his perspective.
* * *
Crissy wasn’t what Josh had expected. Intellectually he’d known she had to be close to thirty, but in his mind, he’d half expected a frightened teenager to show up. But if Brandon had grown from a baby to a happy, athletic twelve-year-old it made sense his birth mother had also changed.
He knew the basics about Crissy—that she came from a good family, had a college education, wasn’t married and that she deposited money into Brandon’s college fund every year on his birthday. Although Pete and Abbey had encouraged her to become a part of the family, she’d never been willing to take that step. Until now.
He’d always thought of her as “the birth mother.” Never as her own person. Until meeting her, he’d never considered that there was someone in the world who had Brandon’s eyes or his smile.
“I see you in him,” he said.
“In a good way or a bad way?”
“A good way.”
She smiled and while he was reminded of his nephew, he also saw Crissy. She was pretty, with short, shiny hair and big eyes. There was something about the way she moved, something sensual and…
He slammed on the mental brakes and backtracked. Sensual? Since when did he notice things like that?
“Abbey says he’s really good at sports,” Crissy said. “His dad played football in high school and ran track. I went out for nearly every sport I could. I went to college on a softball scholarship. I thought I was tough.”
He grinned. “I’m sure you were.”
“Does that intimidate you?”
“I’m shaking so hard, I can’t stand.”
“I don’t believe that, but thanks for pretending.”
“Abbey mentioned you own your own business. I don’t think she told me what it was.”
“Gyms for women. I have six now. They’re all over this area.”
“Impressive.”
It explained the body he’d noticed when she’d walked in. She wasn’t tall, but she looked fit, with curves in all the right places. He eyed her sweater and had a sudden desire to see her in tight workout clothes.
Which meant what? After four years of being alone, he was finally coming back to life?
Pete had spent the past two years bugging him to start dating, to get out and have fun. Josh had hidden behind his impossible work schedule. The thought of getting involved still seemed unfeasible, but maybe something casual wasn’t out of the question.
“Are you ready to take the next step with Brandon?” he asked Crissy.
She shivered. “No, but I’ll never be ready. I think I just have to leap in and hope for the best.”
“Pete and Abbey just got word that their adoption of their new baby, Hope, is final. There’s going to be a big party to celebrate. Lots of friends and family. You could blend in with the crowd.”
Crissy swallowed. “That sounds like a plan. When’s the party?”
“Saturday at three.”
She pressed a hand to her chest. “I may start hyperventilating. Does one bring a present to an adoption party?”
“It’s not required.”
“But if I want to?”
“Abbey’s registered at a baby store.” He gave her the name.
Crissy’s expression turned wistful. “I love baby stuff. Those little dresses and frilly socks. They’re so cute. Probably not to you.”
“Not really my thing.”
“So what is your thing? What do you do for fun?”
Interesting question. Four years ago, he’d had a list. He and Stacey, his late wife, had enjoyed anything outdoors, when her health permitted. She’d loved cooking and gardening. They’d also been studying Italian together, in anticipation of a trip to Venice they never got to make.
“Work keeps me busy,” he said. “What about you?”
“A lot of work, too,” she said. “Running a business is always a challenge, but I like it. Living out here in Riverside means we’re close to a lot of outdoor stuff. I hike a lot in the mountains, and I ski in the winter. Downhill and cross country. I’m a hideous knitter, but I keep trying because my friends love it. But I’m so awful, I had to give the owner of the store a free membership to one of my gyms just to stay in the class.”
He laughed.
“I’m not kidding,” she protested. “I swear, I have the antiknitting gene. Yarn hates me. I’ve seen a petition going around the shelves. If enough yarn signs, I’ll be forced to stop taking classes.”
He liked her. He knew that’s what Abbey would ask first. If he’d liked her.
Crissy drew in a breath. “Okay, so we’re set, right? I’m coming to the party on Saturday. You’re sure it’s okay? No one will mind?”
He reached across the table and put his hand on hers. He’d meant the gesture as one of comfort and was surprised to feel an almost electric jolt of energy jump between them.
“You’ll be fine,” he said, ignoring the sensation and removing his hand more quickly than he’d planned.
“You don’t actually know that. I suppose what with you being a doctor and all, you think you have a edge on stating that opinion, but you can’t be totally sure.”
He grinned. “Deep breaths.”
“Not going to help.”
She collected her purse and stood. He rose as well and tossed five dollars on the table to cover the coffee and tip.
“I’ll be there,” she said. “At three. Maybe ten after. Give other people time to arrive.”
He pulled a business card out of his wallet, then wrote on the back. “My cell number,” he said. “Call me when you’re five minutes away and I’ll meet you out front. You won’t have to go in by yourself.”
Her eyes brightened with gratitude. “That would be great. Plus, if the nerves get to be too much and I start vomiting uncontrollably, you can probably prescribe something, right?”
He laughed. “If necessary.”
“Okay. Thanks, Josh. You’ve been great.”
They stared at each other for a second, then she turned and walked away. He stayed where he was, watching her move through the diner, appreciating the sway of her hips and the swinging movement of her sleek hair.
Being alive suddenly didn’t feel so bad.
* * *
“Did you like her?” Abbey asked the second Josh walked into the house. “I’ve always liked her. I think she’s great, but what did you think?”
Josh bent down and kissed his sister-in-law on the cheek. “I liked her.”
“Really?”
“I swear.”
“Good.” Abbey beamed at Pete. “He liked her.”
“I heard.”
Abbey had loosely pinned up her long, blond hair. The free ends bounced as she spun and hurried into the kitchen, waving for him to follow her.
“A couple of my friends are being protective about Crissy wanting to meet Brandon. They’re afraid she’s going to make trouble.” Abbey opened the oven, then pulled out two freshly baked loaves of bread.
His mouth watered. Abbey had a lot of great qualities, and he’d always put her baking near the top of the list.
“She’s looking for a connection,” he said.
“That’s what I said. All these years we’ve invited her to be a part of the family, but she’s always held back.” Abbey set the pans on cooling racks, then turned to him. “She has family, but they don’t live around here. I’ve always wondered if she’s lonely.”
Pete sighed, then put his arm around his wife’s shoulders. “Stop rescuing the world. Crissy is a very successful businesswoman. She doesn’t need you messing in her life.”
“I’m not messing. I don’t mess. I’m just saying, she needs us.”
Pete looked at Josh, then rolled his eyes. “Let it go,” he said, with exaggerated patience. “Crissy’s fine.”
“Maybe we could fix her up with someone.”
“She can get her own guy. Don’t you have enough to worry about?”
Josh walked over to the cookie jar on the counter and reached inside. Abbey had made chocolate chip cookies the previous day and the four he’d eaten then hadn’t been close to enough. Now as his brother and sister-in-law continued on with a very familiar argument, he munched on two more.
Pete and Abbey were the kind of couple who had been born for each other. From the first moment they’d met, they’d both known they would be together forever. There hadn’t been any games or questions or even a discussion. They’d started dating their sophomore year of high school and from that first night, had known what their future would be.
“So she’s coming to the party?” Abbey asked anxiously.
“That’s what she said,” Josh told her. “She wants to meet Brandon.”
Abbey smiled. “That’s good. We’re all going to be one big family. She’ll get to know him and relax and then he can know his birth mother.” She turned to Pete. “What about Zeke? He’s single.”
Pete groaned, then glanced at his brother. “Escape while you still can. When she gets like this, she’s impossible to stop.”
* * *
Crissy was generally a fan of the whole weekend concept, but this time, Saturday had come along way too quickly. She’d spent the morning trying to figure out the right thing to wear to a “Hey, we’re adopting” party. She wanted to make a good impression, but not stand out. Casual, but not too casual. Pretty, but not sexy.
She tried telling herself that Brandon was a twelve-year-old boy. He wouldn’t even notice her. But still, every time she thought about meeting him there were jumping frogs where her stomach should have been.
She finally settled on a pair of tailored jeans, a lightweight fitted sweater and a leather jacket. Boots gave her some height. She fussed with her hair, did her makeup twice and generally spent more time sweating her appearance than she had on any first date in recent memory.
Not that she went on many first dates anymore. She hated them. Dating was miserable enough without dealing with the whole “get to know” first date.
After changing her earrings again, she walked out to the living room where her cat, King Edward, lay in a patch of sun.
“How do I look?” she asked as she turned in a slow circle. “If you were a twelve-year-old boy, would I embarrass you or not?”
King Edward raised his head, blinked twice, then yawned.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she muttered, grabbed her keys and headed out.
In less time than it should have taken, she pulled up in front of a sprawling ranch-style house in a comfy suburban section of Riverside. It was the kind of street where kids rode bikes and neighbors took in packages for each other.
Crissy had to park a nearly half a block away, due to the number of cars. Josh hadn’t been kidding when he’d said it was a big party. All the easier for her to get lost in the crowd, she thought as she climbed out.
She’d taken him up on his offer and phoned when she’d been on her way. As she approached, she saw him step out onto the small porch and head toward her.
He was taller than she remembered and oddly enough, better looking. She liked the way he smiled at her and tried to focus on him rather than her reason for being there.
“Nervous?” he asked as she approached.
“Paralyzed. I may start drooling.”
“That will make an impression.”
They stared at each other. He shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and smiled.
“It’s okay. Take a breath. You’ll do fine.”
“Something you don’t actually know,” she muttered. “I have a fabulous imagination and I can come up with about three hundred disaster scenarios in less than a minute.”
“Impressive.”
He looked far too amused for her taste. “You could be more sympathetic here. It’s my life on the line.”
“It’s not your life. It’s nothing more than—”
But before he could attempt to convince her of the impossible, the front door banged open and a twelve-year-old boy burst onto the porch.
“Uncle Josh, come on! We’re going to play football and I want you on my team.”
Crissy’s breath caught in her throat. The world seemed to jog slightly to the left. She stared into a face she’d only ever seen in pictures. But this flesh and blood version couldn’t begin to compare to those two-dimensional photos.
She’d seen him in person once before. Nearly thirteen years ago, on a Thursday morning when the nurse had offered her the tiny, wrapped baby to hold.
Crissy remembered she’d refused. She’d pointed to a tearful but elated Abbey.
“That’s his mom,” she’d said, and meant it.
But did she still?
