Falling Again for the Surgeon
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Karin Baine
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CHAPTER ONE
‘I’M NOT HIS MOTHER,’ Jessie found herself repeating to the latest attending doctor, as she had to every other medical colleague she’d encountered earlier, on the way through the emergency department with the small child on the stretcher.
‘What’s his name?’ the doctor asked, ignoring her protestations and continuing his examination of the boy’s X-rays and CT scans.
She heaved out a sigh of frustration. ‘Simon. I don’t know his surname or anything else about him. I was simply there when the accident happened. The fire and rescue service are still on scene, trying to get his parents out of the car. He was catapulted through the window into the road. I was in the car behind—I was able to keep him talking for a while until he lost consciousness.’ The paramedics had passed on their preliminary findings to the A&E staff but Jessie repeated it, trying to process what she’d witnessed. He’d been in a lot of pain and they’d suspected a spinal cord injury, which was why they’d ordered a battery of tests on his arrival.
‘You shouldn’t be in here if you’re not family.’ He attempted to dismiss her but Jessie was reluctant to leave the boy alone when she’d seen how frightened he’d been. She’d stayed with him while he’d been examined and before they’d wheeled him in to X-ray. There should be at least one semi-familiar face when he woke up.
‘No, but he was responding to me, and I do work at the hospital.’ That info, along with the lanyard she flashed at him, at least made him pause for a second.
‘You’re a doctor?’
Jessie grimaced. Skating around the facts had got her this far with the busy paramedics but now she’d been rumbled. ‘Not exactly. I’m a physiotherapist.’
As expected, that information drew an eyeroll in response. ‘Thank you, Ms... Rea, but I think we can manage without you from here.’
‘She can stay for now,’ a voice announced as another doctor arrived with a swish of the cubicle curtain.
Jessie was about to thank the new arrival for his compassion when she saw who’d entered, and suddenly lost the power of speech.
‘Good to see you, Jessie, though I wish it were in better circumstances.’
Taller than she remembered, his hair a deeper auburn than the red she recalled blazing in the summer sun the last time she’d seen him, Cameron Holmes was as handsome as ever.
‘He’s not my son,’ she blurted, the shock of seeing him again as great as the emergency situation she’d been drawn into on her way home from work.
He paused his glance over his patient’s chart to shoot her a smile. ‘I gathered that. You can sit with him for now but he’ll be going for surgery soon.’
‘Surgery?’ she repeated, blinking at the vision before her of her first love—the only man she’d ever loved—standing before her. Cameron wasn’t so much the one that got away as the one she’d chucked back in the lake in an attempt to give him a second chance at life.
‘Yes. The sooner he has surgery, the greater chance there is of him making a full recovery. I’m an orthopaedic surgeon. I specialise in spinal injuries, that’s why they called me in. Usually I work in the Belfast Community Hospital.’ That explained his somewhat casual attire of paint-splattered jeans and ragged T-shirt along with his sudden appearance at her place of work. If he was on call to cover the area he would’ve had to drop whatever he was doing and come straight here to the hospital in Innisheg village. She hadn’t known he was still living in the country, never mind living less than an hour away from her.
The other attending medics seemed grateful to hand over Simon’s care in the meantime so they could go and treat other patients waiting for their attention, leaving Jessie and Cameron alone in the cubicle with the boy.
He must have seen her assessment of his attire, following her gaze to the large hole at the seam of his tight black crew neck, exposing a tantalising patch of smooth taut skin. ‘I was decorating. I’m not usually this unkempt but I didn’t want to waste time when every second counts in cases like this.’
It was on the tip of her tongue to tell him he looked good to her when she realised how inappropriate it would seem, not only due to the current circumstances but also because they hadn’t parted on the best of terms and hadn’t seen each other in nearly fifteen years. She should be more impressed by his career status than how well he’d aged.
‘I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that you’re a surgeon. All of your hard work really paid off. Your family must be so proud.’ It had been his dream to work in medicine, something which had seemed so far out of reach for someone who’d struggled with dyslexia. With hard work and the right support, he’d obviously shown everyone exactly what he was capable of.
Jessie had never doubted him. When she’d studied with him he’d been driven, his work ethic second to none. That was part of the reason she’d fallen for him. Despite the obstacles, how many people had disparaged him, he hadn’t let that get in the way of his goal. It was a pity fate had prevented her from following her dreams too.
He raised an eyebrow at her. ‘What do you think?’
It was a bucket of cold water over her initial enthusiasm at seeing him in his dream job to find his family were still treating him as abysmally as they always had. She wondered if that was why she hadn’t seen him around their hometown since the day he’d left for medical school. Every Christmas or bank holiday weekend she’d wondered if she might run into him, but the dates always came and went without a single sighting. Now she knew why. He’d had nothing to come back for.
‘I’m sorry. I thought perhaps, with time, they might have supported you better. You always deserved more. It shouldn’t have mattered that you were the youngest of six siblings, they still should have taken care of you.’
‘Yes, well, having parents who call you stupid even after it’s discovered you have dyslexia teaches you not to have high expectations. Everything I achieved is down to you and to the support I finally received in high school.’
‘I was merely your study buddy. It was you who put in the work. I’m not sure I can take any credit.’ Especially when he’d completed his studies in a different part of the country, away from her.
‘We both know you were a lot more than that.’ He didn’t have to say any more than that to stop her arguing, bringing back memories of their time together as teenagers. Before the heartache.
With Cameron’s neglectful family and Jessie a young carer for her mother, they’d both been set apart from their classmates, loners who’d gravitated towards each other.
‘It didn’t take a lot of research to find out that visual stimulation helps dyslexics to retain information and having a good study schedule helped both of us.’ She deliberately chose to ignore the reference to their past relationship. It wouldn’t do either of them any good to revisit that. Especially when she’d worked so hard to make sure he moved on without her.
He took a moment before he responded, as though he’d toyed with the idea of saying more on the subject then changed his mind.
‘I see you went into an area of medicine after all.’ He pointed at her work pass, though she was sure he’d already heard what field she’d gone into.
‘Yes, physiotherapy meant I could study at the local college instead of the city.’
It was a touchy subject when they’d planned to go to medical school together. The time she’d spent with Cameron had been the happiest of her life, but circumstances had brought that to a swift end.
‘Listen, Jessie, I have to go and prep for surgery. It was nice to see you again.’ His abrupt exit would suggest he looked back on their time together with less yearning than she did, but she had only herself to blame. She’d broken his heart and now, spying the wedding ring on his finger, she was breaking her own all over again too.
Cameron Holmes was a reminder of everything she’d lost, everything she could never have again. Worse than that, she suspected she was going to see even more of him in the future. As Simon’s surgeon he would be overseeing his progress and Jessie would be tasked with helping the boy walk again. And she cared too much to abandon the child simply because of her own discomfort around her childhood sweetheart.
Although she was probably nothing but a footnote in Cameron’s story now he appeared to be a successful married surgeon, her highlights reel had begun and ended with him. He was the only man she’d ever loved, ever dared to plan a future with. Now it seemed she was going to have to pay the price for her mistakes by seeing him on a regular basis.
Cameron had to take a moment outside the emergency department to compose himself. Being on call was always full of tension, not knowing what he’d be walking into when he came through the hospital doors. Emergencies he could deal with—his job was fraught with life-changing decisions and surgeries he was ultimately responsible for—but seeing Jessie again was something which had thrown him completely out of his comfort zone.
He clutched his hand to his chest, almost certain he could still feel that hole she’d torn in his heart when she’d dumped him before medical school. It would be much easier if he didn’t remember, or if that pain had lessened over time, but neither had happened. He’d simply had to grow around the void she’d left inside him. It had always been there but now it had awakened like an angry volcano, Jessie’s reappearance filling him full of anger and hurt. Except there was no room in his life to deal with it all now.
He had enough to keep him occupied, with Thomas and work. Spending time looking back wasn’t going to do him any favours now. Especially wondering why he hadn’t been enough for her, and if she’d met someone who could give her everything he’d apparently been lacking.
But it wouldn’t do anyone any good for him to start soul-searching now. Fifteen years apart was a long time. They were adults who’d gone on to have lives apart from one another, even though there’d been a time when he’d thought he wouldn’t survive without her.
Jessie had been the first person who’d ever shown him love and kindness. Perhaps that was what had kept her alive in his heart for so long. He’d put her on a pedestal that not even his wife had been able to reach. Whatever it was about seeing her again that got under his skin, he hoped it was short-lived. Along with their reacquaintance.
He was here to do a job and he’d do it much better without his brown-haired, green-eyed first love monopolising his thoughts.
‘Hey, Mum, I’m going to be late tonight so don’t wait up for me. There was an accident on the way home. I’m fine, but there was a young boy hurt so I’m staying with him for a while.’ While she was waiting for Simon to come out of surgery Jessie phoned home so her mother wouldn’t be sitting up worrying about what was keeping her.
Jessie’s father had left before she’d been born and her mother had suffered a blood clot during her pregnancy, which had subsequently caused a stroke and left her partially paralysed.
Ever since then Jessie had been burdened with the guilt of thinking she was to blame for her mother’s physical decline and she’d spent her life in penance, trying to make up for it. As a result, she still lived at home, taking care of her mother when she wasn’t at work.
‘Oh, Jessie. Are you sure you’re all right?’
‘I’m fine. I came along after the accident but this boy’s parents were hurt. I thought someone should stay with him until his family can get here.’
‘Of course. Is he going to be okay?’
‘He had some spinal damage and he’s in surgery at the minute.’ She hesitated before telling her the rest, unsure if she should mention Cameron when that period of their lives had been a difficult time for both of them. In the end she knew she had to confide in someone when her emotions were in such turmoil and her mother was the only one who could possibly understand.
‘Mum, the surgeon is Cameron Holmes,’ she finally said, and it seemed an age before her mother responded.
‘Did you tell him?’
Jessie sighed. They’d had this conversation fifteen years ago, before he’d left for medical school, and they still had differing views on the subject. ‘No. It wasn’t the time or the place.’
‘Jessie, he had a right to know then, and he has a right to know now. It would give you both some closure to finally tell him what happened. I know you never got over it, or him, and you’ve been pushing people away ever since.’
‘I don’t want to get into this right now, Mum. You know why I didn’t tell him what happened. We were eighteen, we weren’t ready for a baby, and I didn’t want to ruin his future. He would have insisted on dropping out of medical school to take care of us and it didn’t seem fair on him to keep him trapped here after he’d worked so hard.’
Even the mention of their baby was enough to make her feel as though her insides were being squeezed until she could barely breathe. She’d been young and foolish, and so carried away with the passion and love she felt for Cameron she’d taken stupid risks. The result being an unplanned pregnancy that threatened both of their futures. She hadn’t wanted to lose Cameron but she didn’t want to be responsible for ruining someone else’s life when she was still burdened with guilt over her mother’s ill health. Cameron, being the man he was, would have insisted on staying if he’d known there was a baby on the way, so she hadn’t told him, instead simply insisting it was over and that she didn’t want to be with him any more. What might have seemed cruel at the time was actually an act of love, setting him free instead of holding him back, the way his own family had done. Though he would never know it.
‘You had plenty of time to tell him after you lost the baby. I’m sure Cameron would have understood why you acted the way you did. You could have tried to make a go of things.’ Her mother’s voice was soft, touching gently on the subject Jessie never wanted to talk about.
The miscarriage had felt like a double loss, as though she was losing Cameron all over again. The one consolation she’d had after their break-up was the knowledge she was carrying a part of him with her. She’d imagined raising a mini-Cameron, all red hair and long legs, pouring all of her love into their son when she couldn’t be with his father. To lose the baby so soon after the love of her life had caused her such physical and emotional pain she’d thought she wouldn’t survive it. It was as though she’d lost her breath and hadn’t been able to catch it again.
If not for her mother’s support, Jessie wasn’t sure she’d have made it through her grief. Since then she’d put all of her energy into work and looking after her mother so she didn’t have time to wallow, mourning everything she’d lost fifteen years ago.
‘No, I couldn’t. What sort of future would we have had if I couldn’t give him children?’ It was ironically cruel that the pregnancy she’d been afraid to tell him about had ended in her finding out she had the same health issues as her mother. Antiphospholipid syndrome, a disorder of the immune system, meant she was at great risk of developing blood clots. It also meant a higher risk of miscarriage, and although she now regularly took a small dose of aspirin to thin her blood there were no guarantees she wouldn’t miscarry again.
When she and Cameron had talked about their future together he’d made it clear that he wanted a family some day, but only when he had a successful career with the money and time to devote himself to his children. His own upbringing, where he was neglected by his parents, had left a lasting impact on him and he didn’t want to inflict that on another generation.
Perhaps if they’d still been together they could’ve weathered it all, looked into alternatives like adoption, but there wouldn’t have been anything to gain by telling him she’d lost his baby and could never give him another one. It had been best to let him live his life and find happiness with someone who could give him a family.
‘I still think you should have let him make that decision.’
She could almost see her mother shrugging her shoulders.
‘It’s in the past, Mum. There’s no point in dragging it up again. He’s married, probably with a family. He’s moved on. Maybe that’s all I need to know so I can do the same.’ There’d been many reasons why none of her relationships had worked out over the years—the time she spent looking after her mother, the knowledge that she probably wouldn’t have children—but at the heart of it she knew it was because she’d never loved anyone the way she’d loved Cameron.
Now she’d seen for herself the same wasn’t true for him, perhaps she could stop comparing everyone else to her first and only love.
‘I’m sure you know best.’ Her mother’s tone, sounding much like the one she’d used when Jessie had sent him off to medical school without telling him about the baby, suggested different.
‘I didn’t phone to discuss the past and the what-might-have-beens. I just wanted you to know I’ll be late home tonight.’ Jessie put an end to the subject, refusing to venture down that road when she’d spent too long wondering if she’d made the right decision at the time. Now she knew he was a successful married surgeon, it appeared she had. All she had to do was reconcile herself with the past and her own actions and maybe she’d find someone else too.
‘Okay. I’ll say a prayer for you all before I go to sleep. ’Night, Jessie.’
‘’Night, Mum.’ Jessie ended the call, her burden a little lighter after sharing the evening’s events with the only other person who knew the real history she had with Cameron.
It was going to be a long night, not only waiting for news on Simon’s surgery but also because she’d likely spend the time revisiting the past in her head. Seeing Cameron again was making her confront the decisions she’d made and she was afraid that, under such scrutiny, she might realise that not all of them had been for the best.
