Bonding with the Babies
Auteur·e
Deb Kastner
Lectures
16,6K
Chapitres
17
Chapter One
Whoever it was who first said go big or go home had obviously never had to go home miserably humiliated with a broken heart and his tail tucked between his legs.
Frost Winslow had.
Over a year had passed since that awful day, but he still remembered—and felt every painful moment—as if it were yesterday.
But life had gone on, even when he’d felt as if it might not. One day at a time, one step at a time, he kept living his life. Whenever he felt alone and abandoned, he’d remind himself of the blessings of being surrounded by a large, supportive family. He couldn’t ask for anything better than his brother and four sisters to pull him up when he was falling.
This evening found him where he was every Friday night—performing at open mic night at Sally’s Pizza. He strummed the chords on his guitar without conscious thought, absentmindedly singing and filling the notes of the folk song with a depth and emotion he wasn’t experiencing. He didn’t feel much of anything anymore. His heart was an empty, gaping hole, but he still managed to fake it enough to be able to perform in front of small audiences made up of local townspeople and family he knew well. That’s what it meant to be an entertainer, he would remind himself—to put on a brave face even when he wasn’t really into it, which was most of the time nowadays. But his guitar was one of the few things that gave him respite and peace, so he kept showing up on Friday nights. Kept playing and singing.
His mind once again drifted back to the day he’d had the brilliant idea to propose to his girlfriend, Zoey Lane, in front of her entire college symphony orchestra. He’d planned everything to perfection, from working out the surprise with the conductor to sneaking into the practice to taking over and making the huge announcement.
It had been an enormous mistake, and one he deeply regretted with every pore of his being.
How was he supposed to know she would refuse him when he’d gone down on one knee, leaving him red-faced and stranded with a diamond ring in his hand?
They’d been in love back then. He’d been so certain she’d say yes. There was no reason for them not to become engaged—at least he thought so at the time.
But she hadn’t said yes. And she’d avoided returning to their small mountain hometown of Whispering Pines, Colorado, since that day, too—thankfully. He’d often thought of how it would be if he ran into her again, which would no doubt happen at some point, though he hoped it wouldn’t be soon. A year wasn’t long enough.
Frost finished his folk song and glanced up, smiling at his captive audience, all of whom were enjoying their dinners at one of the few places to take a date or spend time with the family on a Friday evening without leaving town. Rather than speaking between songs, he smiled, nodded his thanks, and launched into a familiar hymn.
The bell over the door rang and his heart jolted to life as he watched Zoey enter the restaurant. She looked up and their gazes locked.
She was here!
The song dropped from his lips as he swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. He couldn’t believe his own eyes as she moved toward the stage area with her mother beside her. Zoey’s caramel brown hair was longer than it had been the last time he’d seen her, and her face paler, but it was her, all right. He felt her presence with every fiber of his being. Even after all this time, it was as if they were compellingly drawn to each other. They’d always had a special connection, a magnetic pull from one heart to another.
To his surprise, he realized that bond hadn’t changed. Not after all the time apart nor after everything they’d been through together.
What had changed, he realized as he stopped strumming his guitar mid-tune and Zoey approached the staging area with a determined set to her jaw, was that she wasn’t alone. On her hip, she carried a baby with a mop of curly blond hair wearing a blue onesie. In the other arm she carried an infant carrier with a second baby who was sound asleep with a pink-and-purple crocheted blanket tucked around her and a big yellow bow on her head.
“Zoey,” he said aloud into the microphone, his tone cracking under the sudden pressure. Realizing his voice was echoing throughout the restaurant, he quickly turned off the mic, cleared his throat, and set his guitar aside on its stand before hopping off the stage and approaching the woman he’d once loved with his whole heart.
His mind spun with question after question.
When had she gotten pregnant—and had a baby?
No.
Not one baby.
Two.
Twins.
He hadn’t thought his heart could break any more than it already had, but seeing Zoey again, especially with babies in tow, completely shattered him.
“Zoey,” he repeated, scrubbing his hand through his hair as he gave the baby boy on her hip a closer look. Her mother moved to Zoey’s side and took the car seat with the baby girl to a nearby empty table. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
It was a stupid question. She had as much right to be here as he did. Whispering Pines was her hometown, just as it was his. She’d been born here and had grown up here. But it had been so long since she’d been back—since well before the day she’d turned down his proposal.
Why had she chosen now to return?
“Can we go somewhere quiet where we can talk?” Her voice was little more than a whisper as she adjusted a white knit scarf across her neck and tucked her hair behind her ears. “I’ll leave the babies with my mom for now.”
He glanced around the restaurant. It was unusually quiet at the moment, and more than a few gazes were on them. He could have heard a pin drop as people stared at them in open curiosity. Other than his five siblings, most people didn’t know the story behind the botched proposal, because he hadn’t been about to share his humiliation with the world. But in as small a town as Whispering Pines was, the fact that Frost and Zoey had once been a couple and obviously now weren’t wouldn’t have passed by unnoticed.
“I... I... Sure,” he stammered, gesturing toward the door. “Just let me get my jacket.” While Zoey passed the baby boy to her mother, he jogged back up to the stage and grabbed his wool-lined jean jacket and tan cowboy hat from the back of the chair where he’d hung them earlier, keeping his head down and desperately trying not to meet anyone’s gaze. He considered announcing that he would finish his set when he returned. But he honestly didn’t know when or if that would be, or what emotional shape he’d be in after he spoke to Zoey, so instead he waved to Sally, who gave him a brisk nod of understanding in return. She would take care of any announcements that needed to be made.
He held the door for Zoey and ushered her out before him, unconsciously brushing the small of her back until he realized what he was doing and dropped his arm as if his fingers had been singed by fire. The blast of cold winter air and swirling snow that hit him as he stepped out the door matched his frozen heart, and he inwardly cringed.
“Are you...did you have anywhere specific in mind that you wanted to go? We can take my pickup if you’d like,” he suggested.
She shuddered and ran her hands over her arms, which were covered by a teal-blue down puffer jacket. “Yeah, okay. It’s too cold out here to walk. The heater will be welcome.”
Frost nodded, then gestured her toward the back of Sally’s restaurant where he’d parked his truck earlier in the evening. He unlocked the pickup with his key fob and opened the passenger door, reaching for her hand to help her climb onto the high seat. She glanced at his palm and ignored it, choosing to scramble into the vehicle on her own.
He hesitated after he slid behind the wheel, tossed his cowboy hat on the back seat, and put his key in the ignition, turning on the truck so it could warm up. A flurry of emotions rolled over him like the snowstorm outside—anger mixed with heartache and confusion.
But mostly he was furious.
He squeezed the wheel with both fists and glanced at her.
“Where to?” he asked, his voice gravelly.
“Um,” she said, then hesitated, dropping her gaze from his with a sigh. “It doesn’t really matter, Frost. Just somewhere we can be alone to talk. The park, maybe?”
“Yeah, okay.” He pulled the truck around and drove to the park without saying a word, his head still spinning with questions, though he voiced none of them. Instead, he gritted his teeth. What could she possibly have to say to him now that she hadn’t said a year ago when he proposed to her?
When they reached the parking lot nearest the playground, he pulled into a space but left the engine running to keep the warmth flowing, not that he could feel it.
He continued to squeeze his fists on the steering wheel, breathing through icy lungs and staring straight ahead as he waited for her to speak.
“I’m sorry it took me so long,” she whispered, her breath misting despite the heater blowing warm air.
“For what?” he snapped.
“Seriously, Frost? Are you going to make me say it?”
He turned his head to meet her gaze, hardening his features. He didn’t want her to see how much her words pained him. He shook his head. “Say what?”
“I know I’ve waited far too long for this, but I’ve finally come home because of the babies.”
“What?” he asked, confused, even as the angst of understanding washed over him, instantly drowning him.
“Your—” she started, but her voice cracked, and she had to try again. “Your babies. Didn’t you see the twins in there? They both look just like you.”
“My...babies?” He tried to take a breath but couldn’t. His lungs weren’t working, and his heart surely wasn’t.
Was she telling him that those babies were his biological children? How old were they? He was doing mental calculations in his mind, but the truth was he didn’t need to.
He wanted to deny it, and he opened his mouth to do just that, but no words emerged, because denying reality was pointless. In the end, he could only find one question worth asking.
“How?” His voice was still gruff and had dropped a good octave lower than usual.
“Frost!” she exclaimed, raising her palms to her flushed cheeks.
“No, I’m sorry. That’s—that’s not what I meant. But...considering the circumstances, I just don’t get why you would...”
She broke her gaze away and turned to look out the passenger window. “They’re your babies. You can take a paternity test if you want, but all you really need to do is look at them to know for sure. Dante and Ariella both have your blond curly hair, your blue eyes and that Winslow cleft in their chins.”
“Zoey,” he said gently, but she didn’t respond. “Zoey,” he said with more force, reaching for her jaw to turn her face toward him. “I believe you.”
And he did.
The world had tilted on its axis and there wasn’t enough gravity on earth to hold him to the ground, but he did believe her words.
He was no longer a single man with no strings attached.
He was no longer a man who could chase his own dreams without thinking of how they would affect others. All his plans for the future were gone in a flash.
He was a father.
Of twins.
Zoey thought the worst part was going to be telling Frost he was the father of their twins. As it turned out, that was merely the beginning of the barrage of questions, and with each query came an additional stab of pain so sharp she wasn’t sure how she could endure it.
And yet she did. Because she had to. It was only right.
“Did you know you were pregnant when I asked you to marry me? Is that why you turned me down?”
“What? No! I didn’t...” She trailed off into silence, not willing or able to offer the explanation he was so clearly expecting. “I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after your proposal.”
“Why did you wait so long to come to me with this? You should have reached out the moment you found out you were pregnant,” he accused brusquely. “I can’t believe you hid them from me.”
“I wasn’t hiding them,” she protested, but she couldn’t say more.
“These babies are as much mine as they are yours. I’ve missed so much of their lives. I would have been there for you from the beginning. I’d have been there for our children.”
If Zoey had been absolutely certain the babies were Frost’s when she’d first learned she was pregnant, she probably—no, she would have reached out to him before the babies were born and would have given him the rights he was now demanding. But she’d had so much more to deal with at the time that she hadn’t been able to think about anything else. She’d been wrestling with a great deal of emotional and spiritual distress that had nothing to do with Frost and everything to do with her pregnancy.
If the twins hadn’t been Frost’s...
She couldn’t even go there. Not after all she’d suffered.
The truth was far more traumatic than anything Frost could dream up, even if he tried. Because the reality was, she hadn’t known for sure that Dante and Ari were Frost’s children until about two months after they were born, when their hair had started growing in curly blond and the color of their eyes had solidified into Frost’s beautiful shade of silver blue.
And even then, it had taken her months to get up the nerve to bring them home to meet their father. Every day she waited made it that much harder to face Frost with the truth—or at least what she was able to admit of it.
“I decided it would be better for me to face my life as a single mother rather than have someone else involved.” That was only part of the truth, and not the worst part, but it was all she could say right now.
“Wow.” Frost slammed his palm against the steering wheel and stared out the driver’s side window. They sat in silence for a long, painful moment. “I’m not someone else, Zoey. I’m their father.”
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” she said raggedly. “You know I would never do that.”
“No?” His voice rose in pitch. “Because that’s exactly what you’re doing. How could you... I thought we were...” he stammered, then swallowed hard. “I was going to put a ring on your finger. I proposed to you, Zoey. I loved you so much. I thought we were solid, that we’d marry and have a family and grow old together. I would have protected you and the children, even if everything was done in the wrong order. I would have stayed by your side. We could have faced it together. Man, this is messed up in so many ways.”
“Yes, it is,” she agreed. If only she could share with him just how messed up her life had become. But she couldn’t. Not now, and probably not ever. A migraine was coming on and the moonlight created a painful aura she tried to blink away to no avail. Her ears were ringing incessantly.
“So, what now?” he asked in a gravelly tone. His tenor voice was usually so rich and smooth. She knew how much it was costing him to have this conversation with her.
“Well, now that you know the twins are your children, I suppose that’s your call.” The ice pick pounding on her temple was getting worse by the minute, and she could hardly put two thoughts together. Her neck was so tight with strain she could barely turn her head, so instead she shifted her whole body so she could look at him.
“My call. My call?” he said, resentment dripping from each syllable. “Well, thank you very much for finally including me, Zoey. Hitting me with this news out of nowhere after all your months of pregnancy. And however old the twins are now. Congratulations, Frost. You’re a father.”
Her heart ached. This man was her sweet, gentle, soft-spoken Frost, a sensitive man who cared for everyone he met and who had a special place in his heart for animals of all kinds. His strained reaction showed her just how badly she’d hurt him with all the decisions she’d made. But it was too late to take it all back, and she wouldn’t even if she could. She’d thought long and hard about this decision, before returning to Whispering Pines.
As difficult as this was, Frost deserved to know about the twins.
She wasn’t the only one who’d been wounded, but for her it was because of what had happened to her that awful night in her dorm room, which to this day she couldn’t quite remember clearly, but that had sent her whole life into a tailspin. The damaging chain of destruction continued to grow with every breath.
“What I meant was, you have choices in what you want to do in regard to the twins,” she clarified. “I’m not expecting anything from you. Not time. Not attention. Not money.”
He scoffed and shook his head. “After all this time, how could you even say that? You really don’t know me at all, do you?”
Of course, she did. That’s why she hadn’t reached out back when she’d first discovered she was pregnant and hadn’t been positive whose children they were, and why she’d only now returned home.
Because she’d known exactly how he would react. Maybe not the initial shock or the anger that followed, though she didn’t blame him for that. Anyone would feel the same.
She hadn’t been sure what to expect reaction-wise when she told him the truth. It had been impossible to guess how he’d respond to suddenly discovering he had children. But she knew beyond a doubt he wasn’t the type of man who would walk away from his babies or forego what he considered his responsibility to them in every way.
She was trying to let him know she shouldered all the responsibility. He needn’t step in just because she’d suddenly reappeared in his life.
A low, pained sound escaped his throat as he shoved his fingers through his hair. “I want—need—to get to know my babies. What did you say their names were? Dante and Ariella?”
“Yes. Dante and Ariella, but I call her Ari for short.”
“Dante and Ari,” he repeated, his rich tenor curling gently around the words, softly cradling them with his voice. “My children.”
“I’m sorry this has come as such a shock to you. I thought about calling you first, but I felt this was something we needed to address face-to-face and not over the phone.”
That she’d chosen a public place to first approach him had been a premeditated decision because she was too much of a coward to bring the twins to him in private. She now recognized that had been spineless on her part and unfair to Frost. Now the whole town knew about Frost and the babies. Word would spread quickly to those who weren’t frequenting Sally’s tonight. But what was done was done. Better to dive into the deep end than wade into the shallow end.
“How do you want to go about this?” he asked. “I’d like to meet my babies and get to know them, find out all I missed out on. And the sooner, the better.”
“You can come by my mom’s house tomorrow if you want. That’s where I’m staying until I can find a place of my own.”
“You’re staying in Whispering Pines permanently?”
Did she hear a hint of hope in his tone? It gutted her. But they had to be mature about this. Co-parenting wasn’t going to be easy on either of them no matter what choices they made. “Honestly? I don’t know right now. It depends on how certain things work out for me.”
“For you? If you don’t stay around, it’s going to be much harder to co-parent,” he pointed out with a dark scowl, making her sound selfish for even considering living anywhere besides Whispering Pines.
“I know. We have a lot to talk about, and we both have many decisions to make where the kids are concerned.”
He made a low, guttural sound in response.
“Here’s the thing. I have an audition for the Colorado Symphony Orchestra coming up in about a month’s time. My future plans depend on whether or not I get in. If I do...” She let her sentence drop and hesitated a moment before picking it back up again. “I’ll be around, at least in Colorado, though not necessarily in Whispering Pines. If I don’t make it, my Plan B is to give Broadway a shot.”
He finally turned to face her and lifted an eyebrow in surprise. “Broadway? New York City?” His voice had raised an octave, but then he shook his head and took a deep breath. “Of course you’ll get into the symphony. No question. You’ve been practicing nonstop on that violin of yours since you first picked it up in elementary school. I hardly remember a time when you weren’t toting it around.”
“You know, back when I was a kid, I hated my mom for making me practice so much. It started out with an hour a day and grew as I did. Every second was painful. I hated playing and I didn’t understand why she forced the issue.”
“And yet you were first chair all through high school—and college, too, if I’m not mistaken.”
“I know, right? After all my grumbling and complaining when I was younger, it’s now my violin that may take me places I could only imagine and give me the life for which I now dream. But for all the work I’ve done, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll pass my audition into a professional organization. There are so many excellent musicians out there coming in from all around the world.”
“That may be, but I have no doubt you’ll be accepted.” He sounded much more confident than she felt.
“And yet even after all the hours I spent in practice, I’ll never be half the musician you are. I learned music through extensive, excruciating hours of practice, while you...” She shook her head and let her sentence hang.
“Hmm.” It was neither an agreement nor a denial. Frost was a natural musician, having taught himself both guitar and piano without the use of written music. That had come much later, when he’d first considered studying music in college. His voice was a smooth, rich, honeyed tenor that vocal lessons couldn’t impart. But he’d never advanced with his skills, never done anything beyond open mic night at Sally’s Pizza and the bonfires the Winslows often held at their farm for family or guests. Zoey had always privately wished they could have gone to college together as they’d planned. But it hadn’t worked out for Frost. He had to stay and work the family business at that time.
“So—about the twins. Tomorrow?” she asked, bringing the conversation back to him visiting with the babies.
“That’s a definite yes. What time do you want me?”
“How about ten o’clock?”
“Sure. Okay.” Once again, he scrubbed a hand through his already messy hair, something Zoey knew was his individual tell that showed just how anxious he was feeling. It was a habit she recognized from when they’d dated in high school. She knew him so well. It was sad where they’d both ended up.
“It’ll be all right,” she assured him. She started to reach out to touch his arm, but when his gaze dropped to her hand, she quickly withdrew it. “You’ll be great with the twins. You’ve always wanted to be a father,” she reminded him.
His frown deepened and he shook his head with a hard jerk. “Not this way, Zoey.”
“No,” she agreed. “Not this way.”
“I’ll do right by them,” he vowed, his jaw tightening around the words. “No matter what.”
“I know you will.”
“But Zoey?”
“Yeah?”
“I want you to know right now that while I may have only just learned of the twins’ existence, I’m going to be a big part of their lives.” It sounded like a warning. Frost’s silver-blue eyes were glinting with ice.
“I would expect no less from you. And I know there’s a lot to work out between us where the children are concerned. But I also don’t want you to feel as if I’m forcing you into doing anything that you don’t want to do.”
“You know me better than that. Dante and Ari are every bit as much my children as they are yours.”
“Yes. Of course.” She wondered what she’d just agreed to. He was right, though.
“You wouldn’t walk away from them, and neither will I. One of the first things we need to do is make plans on how to co-parent, how to share time between the two of us. I don’t have any idea how these things are done, but I can tell you right now that being the kind of dad who visits every other weekend isn’t going to be enough for me. We’ll have to learn to work together. It isn’t going to be easy.”
The migraine that had been brewing in Zoey’s skull zapped her like a stroke of lightning.
Or maybe it was his words.
She’d been the one who’d turned down his proposal, who had broken his heart. It didn’t matter why. Not to him. That was entirely on her, as was any resentment he now held against her for her actions.
If only things had been different. If only that horrible night at the dorm hadn’t happened. Maybe then she would have said yes when he’d gotten down on one knee. They could have married, albeit quickly, and they could have done things mostly in the right order.
But that wasn’t what had happened, and she had to deal with life as it now was.
“I’m sorry,” she said, knowing it wasn’t nearly enough but needing to express the feelings in her heart anyway.
“For what?” Once again, his fists clenched the steering wheel so hard his knuckles whitened.
She folded her arms tightly around herself and shuddered, feeling suddenly cold despite the heat flowing through the cab.
How did she even start apologizing for all that had happened?
The silence between them was deafening. At long last, she spoke.
“For everything.”
