Montana Dreams
Auteur·e
Anna J. Stewart
Lectures
16,4K
Chapitres
17
PROLOGUE
“YOU MISS HIM.”
Peyton Harrison ducked her chin to hide the sad smile spreading across her lips.
The gentle hand on her shoulder was, as always, one of comfort and understanding. A hand that had guided and supported her most of her eighteen years. A hand that had never once wavered or abandoned her. A hand that was always there when she’d needed it. A hand that with one gentle squeeze offered her the comfort she hadn’t realized she’d needed.
Rudy Harrison, navy admiral and stepfather extraordinaire. From the moment he’d married their mother more than ten years before, he’d been their rock. Solid. Understanding. Loving. Most of all, he’d been present if not a bit...overprotective. The word made Peyton’s lips twitch. There was very little Rudy Harrison wouldn’t do for his girls.
He also had the uncanny ability to know when one of them was in trouble or hurting.
Amid the celebratory laughter and cheers, beneath the swirling streamers and bouncing balloons and Congratulations, Peyton cloth banner stretched across the backyard, he knew today, the day she’d graduated high school, not only opened doors to her future but also turned an overly bright spotlight on her past. And the man—the father—who wasn’t there.
She reached up, placed her hand over her stepfather’s gentle one and gave it a squeeze, buying herself an extra moment before facing him. “Not really,” she lied, then let out an uneasy laugh at Rudy’s chiding expression. “It’s silly, I know.” The tears no longer burned at the thought of Thomas Blackwell, the man who had walked away from his wife and children when Peyton was only six. But the longing... She didn’t understand it. After all this time, all these years, how could she still miss him?
“It’s not silly, and you know it.” Rudy moved closer, slipped his arm around Peyton’s shoulders and drew her in. Peyton closed her eyes, leaned into him. “Of course you’d want him to be here, Peyton. He’s your father.”
“He is,” Peyton said softly. “But he’s not my dad.” She felt the surprise shift through Rudy and, even without looking at his face, knew she’d caught him off guard. She shifted slightly, looked out at the smattering of family and friends who had come to her graduation party. They were a colorful blur of activity and happiness against the backdrop of the four young women meandering around the backyard, toasting with their sparkling cider and taking turns with her graduation cap and honor cords.
Georgie, Amanda and Lily, her teenage triplet sisters, along with their little sister Fiona, could always, no matter what, lift her spirits. There was studious, analytical, science-minded Georgie with her book smarts and wry, observational attitude, and headstrong, fiercely protective, animal-lover Amanda. There was Lily, who, despite the childhood injury that left her with dexterity issues, dived headfirst into whatever adventure she could find. And then there was Fee. Fiona. Peyton’s heart squeezed as the sound of her youngest sister’s laughter rang through the party. Fee was love and kindness personified. Okay, Peyton might be a bit biased when it came to Fiona. She had, in a lot of ways, been Peyton’s own kid, what with their mother having five rambunctious girls all under the age of seven to care for once their father was gone.
But then Rudy had come and everything had...settled.
Everything except Peyton’s heart, which still longed for the father she remembered. The father who had taken her on horseback-riding trips and taught her about the moon and the stars. The father who had one day been there and the next wasn’t.
“I think today’s hard on your mom, too.”
Rudy’s not-so-gentle suggestion that Peyton and her mother might have something important to discuss on this day had Peyton rolling her eyes. She might be on the brink of adulthood, but some topics—like her increasingly strained relationship with her mother—brought out the less mature aspects of Peyton’s personality.
“You should talk to her.”
Peyton pinched her lips tight and lifted her head from her stepfather’s chest.
“Peyton...” Rudy shook his head and sighed. “I know this is a topic that’s always been—”
“Off-limits.” Peyton winced at the sharpness in her tone. “I’ve never been allowed to talk about him. Except...”
“Except to your mother or me. I know.” He gave her another squeeze. “But you haven’t talked about him much. With her.”
Peyton winced. How did she explain? How could she even try when she didn’t understand it herself? She knew the particulars—the details, as it were. Thomas Blackwell, instead of retiring from the service when he’d promised, had reupped and gone back overseas, leaving Susan pregnant with baby girl number five. Susan divorced him and, shortly after Fiona was born, married Rudy Harrison. End of story. At least as far as Susan was concerned.
Peyton was the only sister who remembered their real father, the only sister who knew they were not Harrisons but Blackwells by birth. She’d kept her mother’s secret. A secret that had built a wall between mother and daughter brick by brick, year by year. A wall Peyton wasn’t sure could ever be scaled.
“You know...”
Peyton took a deep breath. She knew that tone. Rudy—Dad—always started one of his I think this how you should address this situation lectures with You know.
“You know how quickly life can change, Peyton. In the blink of an eye you can lose someone. Lose the opportunity you thought would always be there. In the military, we’re prepared for it. Or at least as prepared as we can be. You don’t want to be someone who lives with regrets. Not when you’re going out there and getting started with your life. Peyton.” He took hold of her arms and turned her to face him, ducking a bit to catch her gaze. “Leave the baggage and the hurt feelings here. Don’t take them with you. Your mother loves you so much. It breaks her heart to think she’s hurt you in some way.”
In some way? Peyton very nearly rolled her eyes again. That was part of the problem, wasn’t it? Her mother had never understood the toll that secret—that lie—had taken on Peyton. To know she was keeping a secret—a huge secret—from the people she loved the most.
“Go talk to her,” Rudy urged. “Consider that your graduation present to me.”
Peyton grinned at his teasing. “I’m the one graduating, remember? I’m supposed to get the gifts.”
“That’s right. You are.” He turned her around and gave her a gentle push. Much, Peyton thought, as he had whenever she’d had to do something she didn’t want to do. Because she knew he was watching, because she knew he was right, she mingled and weaved her way through her guests, issuing promises of cake-cutting and gift-opening soon, and avoiding her sisters’ curious gazes as she got two glasses of iced tea.
Susan Harrison, military wife and mother of five, sat on the wooden bench she and Rudy had found in an old antiques shop shortly after they’d married. It was her favorite spot outside the house, in the middle of the lush garden she tended, surrounded by the flora and fauna of San Diego. Late spring and early summer provided explosions of color to accompany any celebration, enough, for a while at least, to push cares and concerns away. Or maybe just lock them in silence.
“Thought you could use a refill.” Peyton held out the cold glass. Her mother blinked foggy green eyes at her and, for a moment, Peyton wondered if her mother had been somewhere else entirely.
“Thank you, Peyton. That’s lovely.” She scooted down a bit and patted the bench. “Join me?”
Peyton sat, sparing a quick glance back to the porch where Rudy stood, arms crossed over his chest, eyes pinned on them. He offered her a quick smile and nod of approval before he headed back into the house, the sound of the screen door slamming behind him oddly comforting.
“I can’t believe my girl’s all grown up.” Susan’s voice was so soft. “High school graduate, all ready to head off for college. The house is going to be so empty without you.”
“Empty with those four?” Peyton laughed as Lily and Amanda teased Georgie with one of Amanda’s rescue kittens. Georgie, as usual, was determined to keep an emotional distance, but Peyton could see the longing in her sister’s eyes when it came to the furry little creature. “You won’t even miss me.”
“Yes,” Susan said and finally looked at Peyton. “Yes, I will.” She lifted a hand, brushing her fingers against Peyton’s cheek. “I’m so proud of you, Peyton. More than I can ever say. You’re going to do amazing things with your life. I just know it.”
Peyton could only smile. There was so much pushing in on her, so many questions, so many... “Just promise not to let Amanda and Lily fight to the death over my room.”
“I’ll do my best,” Susan managed with a small laugh. “Peyton—”
“Do you miss him?” The question leapt out of her mouth before she could stop it. Over ten years she’d been wanting to ask. Ten years she’d wondered. “Do you miss him at all?”
Susan blinked, her eyes shifting briefly to the house as if knowing Rudy had something to do with the question. But instead of anger or irritation as Peyton expected, Susan’s eyes filled with tears.
“I miss him every single time I look at you girls. He was my first love, Peyton. The man I honestly thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. He gave me everything I could ever want. He gave me all of you.” And yet, there was sadness, even in the explanation. “And then...he couldn’t give me anything.” She took a long drink of tea and settled back on the bench. “Hindsight, along with Rudy,” she added with a flash of a smile, “tell me I was wrong to ever ask you to keep my secret. Our secret. But I needed to forget, Peyton. I needed to start over. It was selfish, I suppose, expecting you to do the same. But the idea of them having so many questions, all the time, about a man who was never going to be part of their lives...a man who broke my heart...” She shook her head. “I did what I needed to do, Peyton. I’m only sorry it hurt you. Thomas could not be a part of our lives, not even the memory of him. Not without causing far too much pain.”
“They still don’t know,” Peyton whispered, shifting her own gaze to her sisters. Her crazy, loud, annoying, obnoxious, amazing sisters. Sisters she loved so much she almost ached.
“No,” Susan said. “They don’t. And they’ll never have cause to. I suppose I’m still selfish, making that choice for both of us, but that’s how it has to be. Nothing good will ever come of them knowing. Rudy is their father. In every single way that matters. Surely you see that?”
“Of course I do.” Peyton swallowed the resentment, along with the disappointment that her mother hadn’t changed her mind after all these years. “My feelings about our real father have nothing to do with Dad. With Rudy. But, Mom.” She turned on the bench and grabbed her mother’s hand. “The truth is going to come out some day. Wouldn’t it be better coming from you?”
“It wouldn’t be better coming from anyone.”
Peyton saw it then, in her mother’s eyes. All over her face. Susan Harrison was not going to change her mind. She wasn’t going to tell her other daughters the truth. And she wasn’t going to release Peyton from her promise, either. Peyton didn’t believe in omens, but she did believe in honesty and the truth. And she knew, no matter how many plans someone made, the truth always found a way of getting out.
“I can barely remember what he looks like,” Peyton whispered. “It’s like he’s this ghost in my mind. But I remember that he was kind and he loved me. He loved all of us.”
“Yes, he did. But he loved the service more.” Susan covered Peyton’s hand with her own. “I can’t fault him for that. But he chose them, Peyton. Not us. And I won’t disrupt any more lives over it. Can you forgive me for that? For making you a party to this?” She inclined her head, met Peyton’s tear-glazed gaze with her own. “Can you please forgive me?”
Rudy had said not to take the pain with her, to leave it behind. This was her chance. To move on. To move beyond the resentment she’d held on to all these years. She could remember her father on her own. She didn’t need her sisters for that. It would be her secret, just as it always had been. And in the meantime, she could give her mother the one thing—the only thing—she’d ever asked of Peyton.
“I forgive you, Mom.” She scooted closer, rested her hand on her mother’s shoulder and blinked back the tears. “I forgive you.”
