A Baby to Bind Them
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Susanne Hampton
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Prologue
JADE GRANT HUMMED along to the radio as she prepared dinner for one. The music was loud, just the way she liked it when there was no one around to complain about the volume. Occasionally she sang a few words, but remembering words to songs was not her strength, and neither, according to her sister, was her pitch, so mostly she stuck to humming.
Her bare feet danced a few steps on the way to the refrigerator. Her slim hips, dressed in faded denim shorts, swayed, and she managed a spontaneous spin in time to the music. While her voice left more than a little to be desired, dancing was something she was good at.
Opening the door on the beat, she bent down to peer inside then pulled some fresh broccoli and carrots from the crisper before she closed the door on the next beat and headed to the chopping board. Her new favourite song was blaring from the portable radio on the windowsill. A smile dressed her face and she felt good about life. It hadn’t always been that way but finally she was in a happy place. Her career as a neonatal nurse was on track, she loved working at Los Angeles District Hospital and, although she wasn’t dating anyone, there were more than a few residents paying her attention.
She wiped some tiny specks of broccoli from her cotton tank top before she glanced up at the clock on the wall and smiled. Her sister and brother-in-law would have arrived in Palm Springs and be in their happy place for the long weekend.
The hotel looked so luxurious online and the reviews were all good. Jade hoped that it would live up to the hype and Ruby and David would have a wonderful few days relaxing before their baby arrived. Ruby was just over six months pregnant and Jade wanted to give the pair a second honeymoon as she knew that once they were new parents their focus would be their baby. The way Ruby struggled with her pregnancy, and morning sickness that still hadn’t abated, Jade wasn’t sure how much of a honeymoon it would be, but it would at least be a getaway.
Ruby and David had taken Jade into their home after her ground-floor apartment had been flooded by a burst water main the previous month, and this was her small way to show appreciation. She planned on moving back in to her beach-side home as soon as repairs were completed but the insurance company was still arguing with the landlords so no date had been confirmed. Jade hadn’t lost any personal belongings to the murky water, as she leased the apartment furnished, so it wasn’t devastating, just inconvenient.
She finished chopping the vegetables and put them on to steam before she turned off the radio and went into the sitting room. While it was only temporary, it was still wonderful having a big house to herself for a few days, she thought as she sat down on the sofa. Her place in Santa Monica was quite small and the paper-thin walls allowed her to know far too much about her neighbours. Some mornings she found it difficult to look them in the eye in the car park. There were some things she just didn’t want to know and some she found hard to forget. So Jade was enjoying everything about being in her big sister’s house.
Collapsing back into the huge armchair, she threw her legs over the padded arms and reached for the remote control. It had been a long day on her feet at the hospital and she decided that after watching the six o’clock news and eating her dinner she would soak in the tub, read a book and turn in early.
Switching on the television, her mood abruptly fell as she saw the horrific footage of an eight-car pile-up on the Pacific Coast Highway that afternoon. Her stomach turned and heart fell with the sight of wreckage. Jade was carefree about a lot in life but not when it came to tragedies like the one playing out on the screen. It wasn’t only the victims she thought about. Her prayers went out to the families whose lives would never be the same.
She and her sister had been one of those families. They had been left to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives when their mother and father had died in a road accident when Jade and Ruby had been in their late teens. It had been a turning point for both of them. Ruby, being the elder sister and feeling the need to take control, had changed almost overnight. She had become more cautious and wanted stability, while Jade had steered her life in the opposite direction. She had decided to make the most of every moment with the mantra that life was short.
The television showed the lights of the LAPD patrol cars flashing and ambulances parked randomly across the freeway near the mangled metal that trapped the victims against the cement pylons. Traffic was built up for miles in both directions. Every detail of the horror was being captured by the news helicopters hovering in the air above. Watching with a heavy heart, Jade assumed with dread that there would have been fatalities. With no dance in her step now, she returned to the stove and turned off the heat under the saucepan, just as she heard her telephone ringing inside her bag. There was no caller ID, she noticed, before she answered.
‘Jade Grant?’ the sombre female voice asked.
‘Yes, speaking.’
‘I’m Sergeant Meg Dunbar from the LAPD. I’m afraid there’s been an accident on the Pacific Coast Highway. Your sister’s been taken to Los Angeles District Hospital.’
Jade felt her head spin and her heart race with panic. ‘No, it can’t be. There’s been a mistake. She’s in Palm Springs with her husband.’
‘I’m afraid she and her husband were involved in an accident on the PCH just over two hours ago. They finally cut your sister from the wreckage and she was transported here. She is still unconscious but I was able to get your details from her cell phone. Please come immediately, she’s heading for the operating theatre. Her injuries are critical.’
‘What about the baby?’
‘Miss Grant, I’m sorry, I can’t give you any further information about your sister’s condition. I’ve told you everything I know. The doctors will tell you more when you get here.’
‘And David, her husband, is he there with her?’
There was a moment’s silence. ‘I’m afraid, Miss Grant, your sister’s husband didn’t survive the accident.’
The phone crashed to the floor. Jade froze with her hands limp by her sides, her body trembling before she cried out loud and fell against the cold wall. The officer’s words were ringing in her head, not unlike a siren. She could still see the footage of the accident on the screen and she realised David was lying there in the carnage. He had never reached Palm Springs. She couldn’t speak or even find a logical thought at that moment. A numb feeling engulfed almost all of her body. Only her heart could feel anything, and that was unrelenting stabs of pain that threatened her breathing.
Eight years disappeared and suddenly Jade was the eighteen-year-old girl who had been told by the social worker that her parents had been killed. A heavily laden lorry had run a red light on the corner of Fairfax and Wilshire and they’d both died on impact. Jade remembered the distressed expression on the woman’s face as she’d delivered the devastating news. She felt certain the policewoman on the other end of the phone had the same poignant expression. She didn’t think that life could be so cruel and deliver her family the same overwhelming sadness twice. It was too much for one lifetime.
For a moment, she stared blankly at the wall, seeing nothing through the blur of her tears. But Jade couldn’t fall to pieces the way she had all those years ago. Back then she’d had Ruby to tell her that everything would be all right and that they would always have each other. Reassuring Jade that she would always have someone to lean on through the hard times. Now Jade needed to hold herself together enough to stand strong beside her sister when she found out she had lost David. She had to be Ruby’s pillar of strength this time.
Jade reached for her bag and keys as she brought herself back to reality, and to what remained of her shattered senses. She needed to get to the hospital. Ruby had just lost the love of her life and the father of her unborn child.
With tears running down her face, Jade ran for the door, and taking deep breaths she focused on the task of getting safely to the hospital. Their home was barely ten minutes from the Los Angeles District Hospital but it felt more like a lifetime away as she was stalled by the heavy evening traffic on Wilshire Boulevard. Every minute she sat there her heart was pounding in her chest and her stomach was churning with the reality of the crash that had claimed David’s life.
Only a few hours before they had been in the kitchen together, talking about the wonderful few days ahead and thanking Jade for arranging their short holiday. David had planned on painting the nursery when they returned and Ruby was already filling the cupboards with baby clothes in preparation for the birth of their first child. They had been overjoyed when they’d been told it would be a little girl, just as they would have been overjoyed if they’d been told they were having a son. They had been so thrilled to be starting their family. She would be the first of four children, David had lovingly teased his wife as he’d patted her already rotund belly.
* * *
Finally Jade pulled into the hospital car park. Her tears had dried and she was steeling herself to be strong for Ruby as she stepped from the car. She had no idea that that was the same moment Ruby’s heart stopped. Her sister had died on the operating table only minutes after having an emergency Caesarean to save the baby daughter she and David had already named Amber.
* * *
Jade wept openly and uncontrollably when she was told. Nothing the nurses or police could say would stop her tears. There was no amount of compassion or understanding that could stop her sobbing. She doubted the tears would ever cease and she knew her heart would never be whole again. This time she had no one to lean on.
* * *
‘Will she live?’ Jade asked, scared of the answer but still needing to know. She had kept vigil beside her tiny niece for every waking hour of the two days since her birth. She had dozed sitting upright.
‘Jade,’ the neonatologist said with an equal mix of warmth and authority tempering her voice, ‘you know that Amber’s having the very best care with the finest facilities.’
Jade sat in silence for a moment, gathering her thoughts before the shaky response slipped from her lips. ‘I know, Dr Greaves, and I don’t mean to be abrupt, but I don’t want you to sugar-coat anything. I’ve been working here in the neonatal ICU for over two years now, so please just be honest with me about her prognosis.’
Jade watched the neonatologist as she cast her eyes down and her lips formed a hard line in her somewhat tired face. She knew that the paediatric specialist had been attending Amber all night and the toll of her dedication showed in the morning light. Her naturally thin features were further drawn. But Jade was as tired as the attending physician and that brought her close to becoming a victim of her emotions. She would rather appear forthright and detached at that moment than risk her arm reaching around her in a comforting way and reducing her to a useless, snivelling heap of guilt. Melissa Greaves was that type of doctor. Professional but also motherly. Jade made a space between them to make it difficult for Melissa to reach for her. She had to do this alone.
The doctor’s hesitation in answering confirmed Jade’s fears, and her stomach tensed with a hollow cramp. Her composed veneer of bravado was close to shattering.
Melissa turned to her with a look that signalled she was about to deliver the harsh reality. ‘If complete honesty is to be the call then I have grave concerns for your niece. She’s dropped below her very low birth weight of two pounds, only marginally, but every ounce is critical, as you know, Jade, with VLBW patients.’ She paused for a moment as she slipped her pen inside her coat pocket.
‘Amber’s a little fighter but since you don’t want me to lie to you, if, and that’s a big if, she makes it through the day, I’d still only give her a fifty percent chance of survival. Her gestational age was twenty-nine weeks, so it was always going to be a struggle, but with the compromised maternal metabolic and cardiovascular factors brought about by the accident there are additional complications. With her mother trapped in the vehicle for almost two hours, there was decreased uterine blood flow and abnormal placental conditions prior to the emergency Caesarean, and she is a tiny baby, so Amber has a fight ahead if she is to survive.’
Anxiously, Jade turned to the tiny figure lying behind sterile glass walls. A sea of wires, all linked to monitors, supported her fragile life. Jade gently reached her hand through the porthole door of the incubator and gently stroked Amber’s warm, wrinkled skin. She was like a tiny china doll. Despairingly, Jade looked at her tiny niece’s beautiful face through the transparent head box that was supplying a constant stream of oxygen to make her breathing less difficult. All the while a drip was feeding nutrients through the sole of her swollen foot as the veins in her spindly arms had collapsed and had ceased being of any use for intravenous nourishment. The innocent child was fighting to survive, unaware that her parents’ lives had been taken by the cruel hand of fate.
‘You know, if there’s a glimmer of light in all of this,’ Melissa added, and crossed to Jade and gently placed a hand on her shoulder, ‘Amber isn’t suffering respiratory distress and her tiny lungs appear to be coping so she didn’t need a ventilator. I am amazed and a little bewildered by this and it does give me reason to give you the fifty-fifty chance ratio. Without that, her survival would be much lower than fifty per cent. At birth, I placed her survival at less than twenty per cent.’
Jade took another deep breath. The odds were improving. However, the slight degree of optimism the doctor had imparted didn’t bring her peace of mind. Jade wanted the one hundred per cent guarantee that she knew in reality no one could provide.
This environment was second nature to her, yet now being in neonatal ICU made her fearful. Every day, as a neonatal nurse, she cared for premature infants, yet seeing Amber needing the same level of intense assistance made her feel vulnerable. She had to pull herself together. Not for her sake but for Amber’s. She had to be able to process what was happening and, if called upon, make the right and informed decisions regarding her niece’s care.
‘And you moved her from the open radiant warmer last night?’ Jade asked, appreciating and finding a level of comfort in the compassion she had tried to deflect.
‘Yes. When you fell asleep for a few minutes in the early hours I decided that the increased stimulation from light and noise and the associated risk of decreased growth and weight gain was greater than the disadvantages of the incubator. She is just too tiny to lose any further body mass. The next twenty-four hours will be critical.’
‘Then it looks like we’re here together for another long day, Amber, but you will get through this,’ Jade promised aloud to the sleeping infant, before adding silently, And I will never leave your side. Never. Trying unsuccessfully to quash her unshed tears, she turned away before Melissa witnessed her breakdown. Through a watery blur, she watched the shaky breathing of her niece’s tiny body and felt so helpless it was overwhelming.
She had never felt so totally powerless before in her life. She wished she had saved every forgotten wish from each birthday cake over the past twenty-six years and could tie them together to wish for the one thing she wanted with all her heart. If only she could gently lift the spindly bundle from her tiny glass crib and softly whisper that everything would be all right. But she couldn’t. There was no guarantee that everything would be all right. There were no promises of a future for this little girl clinging tenaciously to life. And if she did have a future it would be one without her mother and father.
* * *
The days passed slowly, but each hour that Amber lived gave Jade hope. The hospital granted her compassionate leave to focus on Amber. The baby’s weight was stabilising and the doctors looked less worried, as did the neonatal nurses, who were all friends as well as colleagues. None of them provided false hope but neither did they talk about the possibility that Amber might not survive.
Her heart ached for the baby she had been with for four days. A baby as wanted and loved as any child could be. She was the daughter that Ruby and David had dreamed of and planned for so many years. It made the bleakness of the prognosis so much harder to handle. She worried that not having her mother’s love and natural bonding could add to the complications of Amber’s early entry into the world. Although Jade wasn’t her mother, she swore to herself she would be the next best thing and do everything in her power for the little girl at that moment and for the rest of her life. Amber had lost the mother she had never known but she would never lose Jade.
She would spend her life making it up to her niece for sending her parents on the holiday that had claimed their lives. And she would spend her life being the woman that Ruby and David would want raising their little girl.
But Jade was also struggling with her own grief. Grief the little girl knew nothing about. Over those first few days it was almost too much to bear. Not only was she close to crippled with worry about her niece, but she had also lost her sister. A sister she’d loved with all of her heart.
Ruby and Jade had been close all their lives and even more so after the loss of their parents. Ruby had been, in Jade’s mind, the most wonderful sister in the world. She had been kind, and funny and nurturing. It was as if half of Jade was gone. Ripped from her life without warning. No chance to say goodbye. No opportunity to thank her sister for everything she had done. All the big sister advice she had given over the years. The advice that Jade had always appreciated but mostly ignored. The tears they had shed over boys who hadn’t been worth it. The late-night calls to chat about nothing much but which had somehow lasted for hours.
It was all gone. She would never laugh with her sister again. She would never watch David look lovingly at his wife and hear them make plans and talk about their daughter’s education. How Ruby would tell him that the little girl would be brighter than anyone else in the class because he was the father, and how he would say she would be without doubt the prettiest because she would look like her mother.
At times, Jade would tell them they sounded like a bad midday movie but their love for each other had been undeniable and real.
With that in mind, Jade held herself together. She owed it to Ruby and David to be there for their daughter and surround her with the love they would have lavished on her.
And then there was the added burden of guilt that sat heavily on her shoulders. No matter which way Jade looked at the situation, she felt responsible for Amber’s early entry into this world. She had played the scene over and over in her mind since the accident. Why had she booked the holiday for them? If only she hadn’t given them the present of a few days away in Palm Springs, they wouldn’t have been a part of that terrible accident. And Amber would still be safely inside her mother with another ten weeks until her much-anticipated birth.
But instead, Jade was arranging the funeral of Amber’s parents and staying strong for the tiny daughter they would never be able to love. She knew they both had a battle ahead but they would face it together. All they had now in the world was each other.
