In the Heat

Caroline Ryder

“I want you to be my luna.”

My heart froze in my chest. I was sure I needed a jumpstart.

I locked onto his green eyes, waiting for him to take it back, to say he was joking, or confess he was just messing with me. But he didn’t.

He just stared back, his eyes searching mine. But there was nothing to find. I couldn’t think, couldn’t form a word, couldn’t show any emotion.

“Caroline,” Han stammered. “Luna?”

Trip nodded and my heart started up again, pounding out of rhythm, thumping against my ribs, making it hard to breathe.

“Yes,” Trip confirmed, looking into my eyes again, “if she’ll accept.”

“Outside,” Rowan said, his voice strained. He grabbed Trip’s arm and pulled him up from his seat.

Trip let him, letting Rowan lead him out of my house. He looked as shocked as I felt.

I looked at my dad. His eyes were wide. “Caroline…”

I tried to swallow, but couldn’t.

“Luna…,” Han murmured, his eyes fixed on me.

I felt my cheeks heat up. If I was the luna, that meant…

“…absolutely out of your fucking mind!” I heard Rowan shout from the backyard. I couldn’t hear Trip’s response.

“I…” I didn’t know what to say.

My dad stood up suddenly, probably to tell my mom. I sat there, frozen, not knowing what to do or think.

Nothing made sense anymore. The alpha had walked into my house and asked me to, what…? Be his mate? The thought made my stomach twist. Tyler Trip…

I shook my head. No. He didn’t want me as a mate, he wanted me to lead a pack with him. As luna; the title given to the mate of an alpha.

The mate of an alpha.

Luna.

Damn.

“What the hell are you going to say?” Han asked, his dark eyes drilling into mine. I tried not to look away. I knew what he wanted me to say.

He wanted me to say no; to throw Trip’s offer back at him, to say I didn’t need his pity—because that’s what it had to be if the alpha was offering me, Caroline Ryder, this chance.

I shrugged, not knowing what to say. “I, um…”

“You can’t be considering it?” Han said, his voice flat. “You, as luna? No way, Care, no way.

“Just let me think, Hanna,” I mumbled, rubbing my temples.

“Caroline,” he said, his voice sharp, “you can’t… You’re not his mate. You’d have to live with him… You and him, you’d have to—”

“You don’t know that,” I cut him off. “He hasn’t laid out his terms yet. It could be platonic.”

Han snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

I tried to put my thoughts into words, but they were a jumbled mess.

The only thing I could think was, Why me? There were so many beautiful, strong girls in the pack. So many women to choose from, and plenty with better attitudes.

So why me?

My dad came back, his eyes as wide as when he left. “Caroline,” he said softly, “this is an amazing opportunity for you.”

I wasn’t surprised that my dad would approve. He already admired Trip, so it made sense that he’d want me to be luna.

“Are you seriously considering this?” Han asked, glaring at our dad.

My dad glared back. “Of course I am, Han, the alpha of our pack has chosen your sister to be our luna. This is an incredible honor, an incredible opportunity for—”

“For you to save face,” Han interrupted, “and to fix your reputation after your big fuck up.”

My dad took two quick steps toward Han, his hand twitching at his side.

“Rick,” my mom said sharply as she walked into the room. Her face was still dirty and her red hair was pulled back into a low ponytail. “Let’s be civil, please.”

Han’s lip curled, his eyes daring my dad to hit him, even though his face was already bruised. “Hit me if you want, it doesn’t change the fact that you hate yourself.”

“Kyle,” my mom said sharply, using Han’s real name, the one he had abandoned as soon as he found out our dad had chosen it. Han was our maternal grandfather’s name.

Han didn’t even blink. “Hit me, Dad, but don’t do this to Caroline.”

“Hanna,” I said softly, “he isn’t forcing me to do anything—”

Han turned to glare at me. “This is crazy, Care, you can’t go live with the alpha. You can’t be the luna, you can’t…” his voice broke.

I didn’t need to hear the words. I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t want me to leave him.

I opened my mouth to comfort him, but Rowan walked in, his face tight. “The alpha and I will be leaving now,” he announced.

He turned to my dad. “Thank you for your hospitality, Mr. Ryder.”

I held my breath as he looked at me. “Alpha Trip asks that you come to his home with your decision. Sooner rather than later.”

Rowan looked like he was in pain as he repeated his alpha’s words.

We all stayed quiet as Rowan left; quiet until they were off the property; quiet as we all tried to process what had happened.

Naturally, Han was the first to speak. “Even the third thinks it’s a bad idea,” he said tersely. “Tyler Trip is out of his goddamn mind asking Caroline to—”

“Do not question the alpha’s judgment,” our dad snapped.

Han rolled his eyes. “Of course not. That would mean questioning his decision to reinstate you as a lookout, which we all know—”

Before we could even blink, my father had a firm grip on Han’s collar. “Choose your next words wisely, son,” he warned.

“Rick!” my mother cried out, rushing to pry her husband’s hands from her son.

I stood there, frozen, my hands glued to my sides.

I couldn’t fix the strained relationship between my father and brother. Nothing I’d tried so far had made a dent.

I wish I could point fingers at my father for losing his cool, for his temper flaring, but Han seemed to thrive on provoking my father’s outbursts.

“Enough,” my mother said gently, her warm brown eyes meeting each of ours in turn. “Let’s take the afternoon to think,”—she glanced at Han and then at me—“and to decide.”

My father muttered something under his breath and vanished, likely to patrol the property as he often did: always on guard.

Han cursed, ignoring my mother’s presence, and stomped down the hallway to his room, the door slamming shut behind him.

I let my mother give my hand a comforting squeeze before I pulled away, darting out the backdoor and breaking into a run.

I didn’t care that my chest was still throbbing from the run I’d taken before Alpha Trip’s visit. Or that my feet were sore and my throat was raw.

I needed to run; needed to clear my head.

By the time I reached the ledge I usually ran to, I was in agony. My usual route felt particularly grueling due to my fatigue and the sweltering heat.

I bent over, hands on my knees, gasping for breath.

When I looked up, I was awestruck by the beauty of the mountain, the valley, and the majestic Mt. Oak. I took in the view of Mt. Timbre, daring to envision myself as its ruler.

Luna of the pack, leader of the wolves, protector of the territory, mate to Alpha Tyler Trip.

My stomach clenched at the last thought, as I’m sure it always would when I thought of myself as someone’s mate.

A sharp pang of pain hit me as I remembered that I wasn’t a mate to anyone. My mate was dead and I was alone. There would be no grand love story for me, no lifelong companion. Not anymore.

I clasped my hands behind my neck and closed my eyes before letting out a long, piercing scream.

I tried to expel all the negativity from my body, tried to banish the grief and bitterness, tried to shed the sadness and anger.

My scream echoed off the trees, bouncing around the range and returning to my ears weak and distorted. I sank to the ground, my breath gone as I let my shoulders slump.

I didn’t feel better. I felt drained.

Han was right. It was absurd to consider becoming a female alpha. I was a broken girl.

My heart had been shattered and the pieces had been put back together wrong, leaving me misshapen and deformed. It didn’t beat the same way in my chest anymore. It faltered without Liam.

I exhaled all the air in my body and pressed my palms into my eyes, swearing as my nose started to prickle and tears threatened to spill. I wouldn’t cry.

“Fuck,” I muttered, rubbing my face and then pulling my knees into my chest.

How was I supposed to take care of an entire pack when I could barely take care of myself?

How was I supposed to be Tyler Trip’s mate when the thought of love filled me with nothing but sorrow?

How was I supposed to be a leader when I no longer had a path to follow?

“I can’t,” I declared, my voice laced with anxiety. “I can’t do this.”

But what were my options? Reject the new alpha? Snub him while he was trying to rebuild our home? Disappoint my father? Prove Han right? Risk the stability of my family?

I struggled to breathe as the pressure started to mount. Anxiety gnawed at me as I stuck a nail in my mouth and chewed—a habit I had quit soon after meeting Liam.

I didn’t want to make these decisions. I wanted to go back, plead ignorance. I wanted to run.

Running was what I was good at. I ran from Liam when I first met him. Ran from my feelings for him for almost a year before I finally gave in.

So much wasted time.

I ran from his death, ran from the grief, ran from all feeling.

Even now, I was still running. I avoided Mick because I couldn’t handle his relationship with Libby.

I ran from my mother because I knew as soon as we talked, I would be forced to confess.

I ran from my father and Han because something had gone so wrong with them and I had no idea what.

I stood and brushed myself off, picking grass and dirt off my sticky thighs. I stretched a little as I looked out over the valley, imagining the humans that lived on the other mountain.

Part of me despised them, loathed them so deeply, I wished the war still raged just so I could see them fall.

The other half of me remembered the early days when they weren’t our enemies, but our friends and neighbors.

The latter meant nothing when I thought of him.

The woods were peaceful as I walked back home. The ground sloped slightly as I walked further down the mountainside, passing all the familiar landmarks I used to get myself through my run.

It had been a long time since I’d run this path on four legs; a long time since I had shifted and let my wolf feel the intense grief that lurked just under the surface.

It was impossible for me to shift without immediately howling for my lost partner.

I didn’t shift now unless it was absolutely necessary.

My mother was kneeling in her garden when I walked into the backyard. Her back was to me as she sat back on her knees, planting her hands on her hips as she scrutinized her work.

Her skin was brown from the sun and slick with sweat. Her red hair was rusty and starting to gray in places, but her face remained as kind and sweet as it was when I was a child.

She turned when she heard me; her face softening as she called me over. I gritted my teeth as I crossed the yard, avoiding her eyes until I was standing right in front of her.

She held up a dirty glove to her face, shielding her eyes from the sun, which was sitting just behind my head.

“Sit with me, baby,” she cooed.

My mother had always coddled me to no avail and with no success.

She had always wanted a daughter and being born last meant that I grew up with male role models; big brothers that I would have done anything to be accepted by.

Her feminine sway was completely lost on me growing up. That didn’t stop her from trying.

I perched on the ground beside my mother, looking out over her garden and pretending to be interested in the petunias and tulips and geraniums.

My mother was patient with me, handing me a hand rake as she pulled up some weeds, shaking the excess dirt from their spindly roots before tossing them aside.

“You have a big decision,” she said softly.

Her quiet nature often got under my skin. I couldn’t stand how soft-spoken she was, how easily my father could overpower her.

I wished she’d yell, show some backbone every now and then, even though she had her own ways of showing strength and resilience.

“Yeah, I guess,” I muttered, raking the dirt. I grimaced as I unearthed a worm. I didn’t share my mom’s love for gardening.

“What are you going to do?” she asked, her voice light. It was a sham, pretending she didn’t care. She was dying to know, to connect, to understand. But she couldn’t.

She held me after he died, but I never felt her touch. Her arms felt hollow, her words empty.

My mom felt closer to me after walking me through the worst of my grief, but I’d never felt more distant.

“I don’t know,” I grumbled.

She pulled off her glove to touch my wrist. “Caroline—”

I jerked my arm away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Please, Car—”

I tossed the rake into the garden and stood, wiping my hands on my pants. “I want to be alone,” I told her. “I don’t want to discuss it right now.”

My mom stood too, her eyes level with mine. “Please, let me in, Caroline. I want to help you. I want to make sure…”

She took a deep breath. “I want you to choose for yourself and not for your father or for Han.”

I rolled my eyes. “So, you’re telling me to reject him?”

“No,” she said, “I’m telling you to choose the challenge.”

I blinked in surprise. “What?”

My mom grabbed my hands and I was too shocked to pull them away.

“Is this what you want, Caroline? To be stuck on the sidelines? Do you want to be a recluse for the rest of your life? Hiding from your pack the same way you’re hiding from your life?”

“I’m not—”

“You can’t lie to me,” my mom cut in sharply. She took a deep, shaky breath. “This life has not been kind to you, baby. It hasn’t treated you fairly.

“But I know, I know, that you were meant for so much more.”

“But—”

“I am not strong like you are, Caroline. I was meant to be a mother and I was meant to raise a girl as headstrong and resilient as you.

“This quiet life is my fate but it isn’t yours. You need a challenge. You need to feel pressure and you need to feel success.”

“I’m not strong,” I protested.

“You’re still here,” she said, her voice raw. “So many people warned me that you might not make it. So many wolves… They…can’t go on without their mates. But you made it through, Caroline.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. “I can’t do it.”

My mom sucked in a breath. “You dare lie right to my face?”

I broke down and a tear slipped down my cheek. “I can’t, Mom.”

She held my hands tightly and pulled them to her chest.

“You can, baby girl. This is the path that was meant for you. I know it might seem twisted, but I truly believe it.”

Despite everything, I laughed. “I don’t think I can be who I was when I had him. I don’t think I can give myself to another person like I did before. I don’t think I have anything left in me.”

My mom’s smile was small but certain. “Oh, you would be surprised to know how much potential we all have to love one another. You just need to give yourself a chance to feel again, Caroline.”

I pulled my hands from hers and wiped my face. “I need to shower,” I said, brushing her off.

She nodded, pulling her gloves back on as she realized the moment had passed.

I had started to retreat, pulling into myself and shutting the door to any real communication. The window of opportunity had closed.

“I’ll be in soon to start dinner.”

A few minutes later, I stood under a steady stream of cold water, my hands braced against the shower wall as I let the water pound my face.

I didn’t let myself think. I just stood and endured each sharp splash while gritting my teeth.

Han was in my room when I came out of the bathroom. He made a sound of disgust when he saw me in a towel and grabbed a book from my nightstand, opened it, and threw it over his face.

“If you’re here to lecture me, then leave,” I said from inside my closet, pulling on sweats.

My hair was soaking wet as I took it out of its towel wrap. My heavy curls fell against the back of my neck.

“I’m not,” Han lied, his voice muffled behind the pages of Jane Eyre.

I threw the wet towel on him and he jumped, dropping my book to the ground. I watched as my bookmark fell out.

“Get out,” I ordered, irritated. I wasn’t much of a reader and I had taken a long time to reach the halfway mark. Now that he’d lost my page, I was sure I’d never go back.

Han leaned back on my headboard, his eye a deep purple from his fight with the enforcer the day before. “How was your run?” he asked, studying my face.

“As effective as your temper tantrum.”

Han clenched his teeth. “If you knew—”

“If I knew what?” I challenged, crossing my arms.

Han shook his head. “Dad is basically pimping you out to get on the alpha’s good side.”

I recoiled. “That’s not true.”

Han snorted. “He’d sell us all into slavery if it meant the alpha would reinstate him.”

“Did you maybe think that the alpha chose me because he thinks I’ll do a good job?” I asked bitterly.

Han shrugged. “I don’t see how. He doesn’t know you and you haven’t done anything outstanding for the pack. He’s probably choosing you because you’re one of the few unmated she-wolves.”

That stung.

Han didn’t seem to notice as he picked the book up from the floor and started to flip through the pages. As insensitive as Mick was at times, Han was worse, because Han knew better.

Worse, Han was usually right.

Up until then, I had been buying my mom’s bullshit.

For a fleeting moment, I’d believed I was worth something; that I was unique. That the alpha had chosen me because he saw something in me; a strength that set me apart.

But Han was right. I was the only young female who’d lost a mate in the war. Apart from Trip, I was the only wolf who was alone. No one else our age had lost a mate.

The young wolves who weren’t mated hadn’t found their mates yet, which meant they still had a chance.

I was just convenient.

“You sure you’re not just scared to be alone in this house without me?”

Han’s jaw twitched and he sat up quickly. “Of course, I don’t want to be alone in this house with Dad,” he said, his voice harsh.

“You think I want to live with someone who constantly compares me to…?” His voice trailed off, and he shook his head.

“To who?” I pushed. “To Mick?”

Han laughed dismissively. “Of course not.”

“Then who?” I asked. “Me? Him?”

Han moved to the edge of my bed. “You don’t get it, Caroline. You just don’t.”

“Tell me, Han,” I urged.

He looked at me, his gaze intense. “You’re really thinking of leaving then?”

I hesitated, and that was all he needed.

He stood. “Have fun playing house with the great alpha,” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Before I could respond, he was gone, and my door was shaking in its frame.

***

I slept through dinner, waking up sometime in the middle of the night. I groaned when I saw the time on my clock. I’d fallen asleep too early and now my sleep schedule was all messed up.

Sitting up in bed, I felt my curls sticking to the back of my neck with sweat. It was hot; the humidity seeping in through my open window.

I got up and looked outside. My window faced the backyard, so I could see the old van parked there, slowly rusting away.

I could just make out the edges of my mother’s garden, and the rickety shed that Mick had built her for her birthday where she kept all her tools.

No, I wasn’t staying here.

I grabbed a bag and dove into my closet, grabbing random pieces of clothing and stuffing them into the duffel until it was full.

I grabbed another bag and crammed more into it, packing whatever I thought I might need.

With a bag slung over each shoulder, I crept down the hall, pausing outside Han’s room before deciding it wasn’t worth waking him up for another argument. I left the front door unlocked behind me.

It took me a few minutes to reach the dirt road that led up the mountain. It wasn’t long before I regretted my decision to hike up the mountainside with two heavy bags in the middle of a humid summer night.

I was panting by the time I reached the outskirts of the small town the pack had built after our last territory was destroyed.

Low growls filled the thick night air as two wolves approached, their tails swinging low as they stalked closer.

My face was impassive as they circled and sniffed, their eyes piercing the darkness to appraise me and glance at each other. But their ears soon perked up and they trotted away, clearing me for entry.

The knot in my stomach loosened as I walked and the sky started to lighten in the East, casting an orange glow over the horizon.

A few people were awake and roaming the town, their eyes lingering on my face as they recognized me.

I had stopped visiting soon after Alpha Vex died. The trips into town weren’t worth the forced condolences and whispers.

The alpha’s house slowly came into view, its massive structure emerging like a giant awakening from a long sleep.

It was by far the grandest building in the town, not by the alpha’s command, but by the will of the pack.

It was second nature for wolves to put their alpha before themselves. This instinct was most evident in my father and most absent in Han.

I stopped walking when I saw it. I needed a moment to take it in, to process that this was now supposed to be my home. It seemed absurd and extravagant, completely unnecessary, and out of my reach.

But still, it filled me with a sort of warmth. It was what I had always imagined a home would be. It was what I had wanted my home with Liam to look like.

I shivered as his ghost seemed to brush its fingers down my spine.

I took a deep breath and then set my feet into motion. I took the front steps slowly, dragging my feet as I crossed the wraparound porch and dropped my bags at the door.

“No going back,” I whispered to myself.

I knocked on the door.

I waited for a few moments before I lifted my hand to knock again.

The sound of rustling and heavy footsteps made me pause, and my fist hung in the air as I listened to the alpha moving behind the door.

A moment later, the door was yanked open.

Tyler Trip was shirtless and staring. His green eyes were dazed as he looked me over.

After a minute, his sleepy smile faded and he rubbed his stubble-covered jaw. He cleared his throat and then rubbed the back of his head, offering me a small smile.

“Well?” he asked.

I looked down at my bags, and he followed my gaze, noticing them for the first time.

He met my eyes and grinned. “Welcome,” he said, dipping his head as he held the door open wide.

I took a deep breath and stepped inside.