So It Goes

ANNA

I’m sprinting, darting past the main courtyard.

I’m shoving people aside as I race as fast as my legs can carry me.

They’re staring at me like I’ve lost my mind, but I shrug off their looks. I’m already late.

As I dash past the bell tower, I know I’m almost there.

Before I know it, I’m inside the building. Adrenaline is fueling my legs and heart, pushing me faster than ever before. I ignore the burning sensation, the feeling that my muscles are about to give up.

Great start to making a good first impression…

Today, we have a new professor in class. I don’t know who it is, just that they’re here for a few sessions. To fill in for Professor Peterson. She’s dealing with some personal stuff.

As far as I know, she’ll still be here today for this lecture.

Suddenly, I stop at the wooden door, the entrance to the main atrium. I burst through the door without a second thought.

I can feel a hundred pairs of eyes on me as I lean against the door, trying to catch my breath, panting loudly.

“You’re late, miss. How nice of you to join us,” a dark voice says, clearly annoyed.

It sounds familiar… The voice, I mean. It reminds me of him…. The way it shakes me to my core, just like it did back then.

But it can’t be him. He’s out there somewhere. Making the world his own, leaving everything and everyone in his wake, shattered into fragments of what they once were.

That’s the impact he has on everything around him. The impact he had on me.

“I know, I’m sorry,” I say politely, hoping to salvage some semblance of a good impression. I keep my eyes closed, not acknowledging the person in front of me as I’m still catching my breath.

“Don’t just stand there. Find a seat,” he says dismissively. His voice rumbles through me again.

He?

That must be the substitute professor.

Way to go, Anna. I chastise myself, knowing that this person could open so many doors for my future, just like Professor Peterson said.

I open my eyes.

My breath catches in my throat as I lock eyes with the most stunning green eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m thrown back into the past, where those green eyes belong.

From the shock, I lose my balance for a moment, slamming my shoulder into the wooden door.

Ouch!

It’s him…. It really is…. James

I shake my head. It can’t be him.

He… He left.

He left…. Me.

I lift my head again, sneaking another look.

It is him.

The same short brown hair, the same broad shoulders. The same small pink lips I loved to kiss.

He looks shocked too, glancing at my shoulder with a hint of worry. But it’s gone in an instant. He shakes his head disapprovingly, pretending this didn’t just happen, and continues with the lecture.

How can he act like he doesn’t know me, like he didn’t do what he did?

Feeling embarrassed enough, I make my way to an empty seat.

The front row is vacant as usual, so I take a seat there. I like sitting in the front row. It reminds me why I’m here.

To get my degree.

As I sit down, I can feel the sweat cooling and sticking to my body. I smell worse than usual, having come straight from work, giving the students behind me another reason to gossip.

They think I can’t hear them, but I do.

But I choose not to let it bother me. I know I’m different from most, and they can’t handle it.

Every student here is nineteen or twenty at most, but I didn’t have the luxury of going to college right after high school. Most of them don’t have to work to be here; they have scholarships or parents to cover everything.

Once upon a time, I had a great scholarship to a great school too, but that ship sailed a long time ago.

A lot of people would say my late start or losing my scholarship is my own fault. And they’re right. I made the decision to keep the baby.

Not that there was a choice to be made, at least not for me.

It gave me the best thing in the world, Olivia, my beautiful daughter. Even if I had to do it alone at first, and it was hard.

I chose my daughter above everything else.

I worked double shifts every day for two years before I could even think about registering for college and still providing her with a somewhat comfortable life.

I work at a small bakery not far from my home and also at a little café I love. The people there are amazing and understanding.

I start almost every day at five in the morning at the bakery and work till nine before heading to school. After school, I go back to the bakery and start making the pastries for the next day.

But today, Olivia was extra clingy, more than she has been in the past few weeks. I don’t know what’s going on with her. But it made me miss the bus and be late again.

I left her with Aunt Lizzie today, as I didn’t feel comfortable leaving her at the campus daycare. I have a gut feeling that something is wrong with her.

Aunt Lizzie is actually my boss. She owns the little bakery I work at and has helped me out more times than I can count. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

It all started a few weeks ago when Olivia fell down the stairs because she was climbing the safety gate. She got a big cut on her forehead.

Liz was babysitting and was terrified; a lot of blood can come from a wound like that. We rushed Liv to the hospital, where she needed stitches.

That’s also when they found out she had pneumonia again.

It's the fourth time in six months.

The doctors gave her antibiotics, but they aren’t helping much. That strange cough is still there, although it doesn’t seem to bother her as much.

It’s giving her more rest than before.

Soon, the options will be limited, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

The doctors want to help, but they’re waiting for payment from me before they can run more tests.

That’s another reason I work so much.

Olivia. She’s my priority.

And now he’s back.

He’s giving a lecture on negotiation. He’s explaining how to prepare for a negotiation because in every business meeting, there will be negotiations. One party always wants more than the other, whether it’s money, profit, or the best outcome for their company.

He also says that you always need to have some items you’re willing to give up to get the deal.

Always think ahead, and always be prepared.

It’s actually very good advice.

Even though it’s interesting, I find my mind drifting to happier times.

Times when we would walk hand in hand in the park in our hometown Sun Peaks.

Everyone knew we were together, and in a small town like Sun Peaks, it’s frowned upon.

About thirty-five years ago, Benjamin Grandthorn, a powerful Christian politician, won the elections and became mayor of our little town. He’s also the one who changed … everything.

Every sign of the modern future was wiped away. Gone were the diners, movies, and even some music.

Back came beliefs that ruled everything and everyone.

God was present in every single household. Demanding respect, and the mayor or pastor would make sure every single rule was obeyed.

You didn’t listen? Then you were a sinner or, worse, bullied into leaving the town.

I hear it was a terrible time, and people became more resentful of the overbearing beliefs of Grandthorn.

Over the years, the modern age came back once again. But the beliefs stayed in place. They were ruling hand in hand. We got a bit of freedom back. However, they did influence everything from schooling, restaurants, and playgrounds to even our library.

Running away with James was a dream. We wanted to escape their control.

Evidently, my parents were those parents.

The ones who belonged to the church group that ruled everything.

Ruling me.

Running away was all I ever wanted.

But then, James left.

***

“I have something to show you. I don’t know if you’re going to like it.” He shows me the acceptance letter from NYU.

He did it. He got in!

A smile appears on my face. “You did it! Babe, you got in! That’s fantastic news!” I scream, jumping right into his arms.

I want him to go. This is his ticket out of this town.

“But I’ll have to leave. You’ll be here all alone. With those people,” he says, pointing to my bedroom door. Mom and Dad don’t know he’s here.

If they ever knew, James, a boy, was in my bedroom with the door closed, I’d be shipped off to one of their cleansing camps.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be out of here soon enough. You being in college doesn’t mean you’re cutting me out of your life, right?” I ask him, smiling.

He smiles at me, shaking his head.

“Of course, it doesn’t. I’ll come to visit. I’ll call, I promise. This will not be the end of us, A.”

“I love you,” he says with those mesmerizing green eyes of his.

“I love you too.”

***

We always had a plan.

He made promises to me.

Promised to keep in touch.

Promised calls…

Promised visits…

I believed. I swallowed every word he fed me. Breathed it in like it was my lifeline.

Until that one moment.

Until that first kick.

I knew.

I knew he wasn’t coming back.

Not caring about what reasons he might’ve had for ignoring my calls.

And there I was, clinging to the dream.

The dream where we would raise our daughter together, the daughter he didn’t know of.

The dream where he would rescue me, like some damn prince charming on his white horse.

That same day I realized prince charming isn’t real.

And if you want to do something, you have to fucking do it yourself.

I had a child on the way, a child that would depend on me, and I knew I had to work to make it.

That’s exactly what I did.

He might have left a naïve young me but morphed into an angry and very independent woman.

I will always love him, no matter what the past taught me.

How could I not? He’s the father of my daughter. My first love.

Now I have someone depending on me. And no matter how long he’s here, no matter what he wants.

I have to think of Olivia.

Suddenly I feel a poke on my back.

Snapping me out of my daydream of love, hate, and every other emotion I felt at the moment toward James fucking Brown.

I turn around and see one of my kinder classmates, Mila, with a smile on her face.

“Professor Brown asked you something.”

“Oh, sorry.”

I turn back around to meet his gaze.

“I’m sorry, professor, I was trying to summarize everything you said and got lost in my own thoughts for a second. Could you repeat your question, please?” I say, lying through my teeth.

I did write it down, but I was doing so much more.

“Are you lying to me, miss…?”

Is he serious right now? Is he really going to keep acting like he doesn’t know who I am? Or does he actually not recognize me?

I think to myself, stunned.

Sure, I look a bit disheveled as my hair is everywhere, tired as the bags under my eyes can tell you, overworked, and, let’s not forget… sweaty.

But I’m still the same, Anna. I have the same big amber-colored eyes and brown curly hair.

I’m still me.

“Johnson.”

His eyes widen at the realization, shaking his head as he moves a bit forward.

“Full name?” He croaks out, emphasizing each word slowly. Trying to find his voice. The tremble gives him away, but he never loses his composure.

He walks closer and closer.

I raise my eyebrow slightly, not letting him notice how much it hurts me that he doesn’t recognize me. I control my breathing because every step he takes is a step too close for my comfort.

His closeness is affecting me in a way I don’t want to be affected.

I take a deep breath, gathering myself by crossing my legs and arms like I’m putting on my armor before I answer.

“Anna. My name is Anna Johnson.”

He reels back a bit, taken aback. To the untrained eye, it might seem like he's just stepping back. But I see the stumble.

I can tell he's rattled.

“You’re sticking around after class,” he manages to say once he's regained his composure, leaving no room for argument.