Doctor on the Red Carpet
Autor
Anne Fraser
Lecturas
18,1K
Capítulos
15
CHAPTER ONE
DR ELIZABETH MORGAN stepped out the car, transfixed at the hustle and bustle in front of her. The desert heat of California smothered her skin like a blanket, making her damp blouse stick to her back. Rivulets of perspiration trickled between her breasts.
What was she doing here? She glanced wistfully at the driver as he unloaded her suitcases, tempted for a moment to tell him not to bother. She’d made a mistake, changed her mind—would he please take her back to Los Angeles International Airport? And straight onto a flight back to England.
But she couldn’t do that.
Wiping the dust from her face with a tired hand, Elizabeth took a deep steadying breath. Right—the director must be somewhere amongst the crowd of people. Dragging her cases behind her, she picked her way along the rutted dusty ground, her feet throbbing in her unsuitable high heels. This wasn’t what she’d expected. Weren’t all movies made in a studio? Not out in the back of beyond near Palm Desert in what must be a rundown mining town. Hardly the glamour and sophistication she’d envisaged.
Not that she could bring herself to care. It was all she could do these days to put one foot in front of the other. If it hadn’t been for the fact she’d known she would go crazy if she stayed in London, she would never have taken this job. Doctor on a Hollywood film set was as far away from what she used to do as it was possible to get. At least here there were no constant memories of the life she once led. And that was its attraction.
She screwed her eyes up against the harsh midday sun. Filming was in full swing, it appeared. Cameramen were perched high on top of mobile cameras, people stood in clusters, talking animatedly, and around what appeared to be the central filming area, large aluminium caravans stretched almost as far as the eye could see.
Just then a horse cantered by, kicking up dust and with someone clinging precariously to its neck. Elizabeth watched, heart in mouth, as the rider seemed to lose what little balance he had and slid further off the horse, before landing with a thump on the ground.
Elizabeth paused only to pick up her medical bag. Judging by the way the rider had fallen, he was bound to be badly hurt.
But to her amazement, before she had even crossed the few yards to his side, the man was on his feet, wiping dust from his trousers with a nonchalant flick of his cowboy hat.
‘How was that, Philip?’ he called out in an American accent. ‘Was that realistic enough for you?’
Elizabeth slowed to a walk. He was big this man, well over six foot and powerfully muscled. He was wearing faded jeans that clung disconcertingly to his thighs and cowboy boots with spurs. He had short brown hair and a wide mouth and had such an air of masculine assurance about him that instinctively Elizabeth knew this was a man who broke hearts. Was he one of the actors? Silly question—he was bound to be.
He stopped swatting the dust from his clothes as she approached, and gave her a long slow stare. Then he grinned, showing even white teeth. If he carried on riding horses like that, Elizabeth thought testily, he wouldn’t have perfect teeth for much longer.
‘Howdy, ma’am. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Kendrick,’ he said, holding out his hand.
Elizabeth’s fingers were enveloped in his. For some reason the way he was looking at her was making her heart race. Then again, she had got a fright. She’d really thought that the way this man had fallen from the horse meant she would be fixing him up and calling an ambulance. And all before she’d even unpacked.
‘Dr Elizabeth Morgan,’ she replied. ‘I’m the doctor for the set. Are you all right? Maybe you should sit down.’ She glanced around. The only place she could see was a couple of camping chairs outside a trailer a few yards away. What if he collapsed before she got him there? She’d never be able to support a man of his size. ‘Actually, back on the ground will do while I look you over.’
His grin grew wider. ‘Now, come to think of it, ma’am, I think I did hurt my shoulder. Maybe you should have a quick look-see?’
Before she could say anything he whipped off the dust-smeared cambric shirt he was wearing, revealing a bronzed chest with a number of scars. His torso was muscled, not overly so but enough for Elizabeth to be able to detect each individual ridge. He wore his jeans low on his hips, and his abdomen was taut, with a fine sprinkling of dark hair disappearing into the waistband. She blinked.
This was a man who was perfectly aware of the effect he had on women—other women that was. He’d find out soon enough that she was immune to any man.
‘I really do think you should sit down, Mr…?’ she said. The ridiculous way her pulse was behaving you’d think it was her who had just fallen off a horse.
‘It’s Kendrick. No one calls anyone here by their last name. You might be all formal in England…’ He raised an eyebrow at her. ‘You are from England, right?’ When she nodded he continued. ‘But we all use first names here, Lizzie.’
‘It’s Elizabeth. And I’d prefer you to call me Dr Morgan,’ Elizabeth responded stiffly. When he quirked an eyebrow at her she flushed. Damn the man. Everything about him made her feel at a disadvantage. ‘Now, which shoulder did you hurt?’
He stepped closer until he seemed almost to block out the sun. She resisted the impulse to move away.
‘Come to think of it, the shoulder is fine. I was kidding.’ His eyes glinted down at her.
‘I’d rather you didn’t waste my time, Mr…er…Kendrick,’ she said, dismayed at the way her heart continued to race. ‘You’ve heard about the boy who cried wolf, haven’t you?’
Her words only made his smile wider. He turned to call over to a middle-aged man with long sideburns and a ponytail who was making his way towards them, accompanied by a young woman in the tiniest denim shorts Elizabeth had ever seen.
‘Hey, Philip. We have someone over here who likes fairytales. Maybe you should explain who I am. I have a feeling this little lady isn’t going to believe a word I say.’
Just who was he calling a little lady? Who did he think he was? Was he so absorbed in the movie he was acting in that he was getting it confused with real life?
The man he called Philip sauntered towards them with the girl in denim shorts, who was taking short, fast steps in outrageously high heels as she struggled to keep up with him, all the time passing him pieces of paper to sign as they walked.
‘Okay, Sunny, that’ll do for now,’ Philip said. ‘I’ll catch up with you after lunch.’
Sunny?
The girl shot Kendrick a look from under thickly mascara’d eyelashes. Kendrick winked back, earning himself a blush before Sunny tottered away on her high heels.
‘You must be Dr Morgan,’ Philip said. ‘Glad you made it here so quickly. I’m the director.’ He waved a hand towards Kendrick. ‘I see you’ve already met our stuntman and stunt co-ordinator. ‘Kendrick, Dr Morgan has stepped in for Dr Marshall. You might want to keep on the right side of her, seeing as you’re likely to need her services at least once during this movie.’
Kendrick flung his shirt over his shoulder and smiled again. ‘You know I don’t tend to get hurt, Philip, that’s why you employ me.’ Kendrick tipped his head at Elizabeth. ‘Good to meet you, but if you’ll excuse me I should get washed up.’ With a casual wave of his hand he turned on his heel and strolled away.
There was silence as Philip and Elizabeth watched Kendrick’s retreating back.
‘He’s right, you know. He rarely gets hurt—at least not seriously. But there’s always the possibility. That’s one of the reasons we need a full-time doc on set,’ Philip said. He looked at Elizabeth. ‘I’m sorry I wasn’t here to meet you when you arrived, but nothing interrupts filming when we have the right light I’m afraid. I’m glad you were able to fill in for Dr Marshall at short notice.’
Elizabeth wanted to know what had happened to Dr Marshall, but decided not to ask. She would find out soon enough.
‘Why don’t I show you around then you can get settled in?’ Philip said. ‘I’ll explain what it is we need you to do on the way.’
‘I’d appreciate that.’
‘The film we’re shooting is an action movie, but you might have gathered that. It involves car chases, horses, a few explosions. That sort of thing. Kendrick does most of the stunts, although we have some others, including a stuntwoman. You’ll meet her later. I understand that you have experience in emergency medicine?’
‘I’ve completed training in emergency medicine.’ She wasn’t going to remind him that it had been a couple of years since she’d worked as a doctor. It was all in her CV. Besides, some things you never forgot.
‘Good. A lot of what you’ll do here is deal with sore throats, upset stomachs, fairly minor stuff, although at times you’ll think your patients are at death’s door from the way they complain. Having said that, I’m counting on you to keep our cast and crew healthy. Any time they have off costs the production serious money.’
They walked across an open stretch of ground and into a dusty street lined with wooden buildings. Elizabeth wondered if they were real or just facades. If so, they were remarkably authentic in appearance.
A tumbleweed rolled past. The heat was intense.
‘We have our two stars, Jack and Tara, as well as about twenty other actors. Add in the supporting staff, camera crew, sound recordists, grips, runners and film extras and that takes the number to around a hundred. We’ll keep you busy.’
‘I’m glad to hear it,’ Elizabeth responded honestly. Busy was exactly what she needed, and the busier the better.
Philip paused in front of a large tent. ‘Most of us eat here together, but you have a kitchen in your trailer so it’s up to you what you choose to do.’
Elizabeth nodded. Although she would have preferred to keep out of everyone’s way when she wasn’t treating them, she knew it would be difficult in such a small community. She didn’t mind eating communally every now and again as long as nobody asked her too many questions. While she was here she intended to do her job and keep herself to herself.
‘Okay, that’s more or less it,’ Philip said. ‘Except for the medical trailer, where you’ll work out of. It’s on the other side of the camp. It’s equipped with everything you could need. Anything serious, God forbid, we send into LA by chopper. There’s always at least one available.’
‘I’d like to see the medical facility now, if that’s okay. Just to check that everything is there that I’ll need.’
‘Sure. I think you’ll find it’s better equipped than some small hospitals. Like I said, we can’t take any risks with our cast, and that includes Kendrick. After you’ve had a look around, I’ll ask Sunny to take you to your trailer, so you can settle in. You’ll meet everyone at lunch or on the set. Filming starts again at two p.m. We’ll need you to hang around for that. We’re going to be shooting some stunts with Kendrick and knowing him there’s bound to be a scrape or two that will need attention.’
Philip left her to look around the medical trailer, telling her that he’d send Sunny to take her to her accommodation. He had been right when he’d told her money hadn’t been spared when it had come to fitting out the facility and Elizabeth was impressed. It was so well equipped she could probably deal with most scenarios. There was a defibrillator, monitoring equipment, basic drugs—just about everything she was used to having when she’d worked in a hospital.
And when Sunny returned to take Elizabeth to her caravan—or trailer as the Americans called it—it seemed no expense had been spared there either. Sunny had hurried off again as soon as she’d shown Elizabeth where she was to live for the next few weeks.
It was a relief to step out of the blazing sun and into the air-conditioned mobile home. A compact kitchenette was fitted with every mod-con and device ever thought of. Swinging open the cupboard doors, Elizabeth noted they were fully stocked. Did she have Sunny to thank for that? Comfortable couches lined three walls of a living room dominated by an enormous plasma-screen TV. DVDs and books filled a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf.
Slipping off her shoes, Elizabeth opened the door leading off the sitting room and found a bedroom complete with double bed and wardrobe. This was certainly a far cry from the cramped caravans she remembered from childhood holidays. It was more like a five-star luxury suite—with an en suite bathroom to boot. And someone had thoughtfully brought her suitcases in for her as well.
Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
Elizabeth reached into her handbag and retrieved the photograph of her daughter, placing it carefully on the bedside table. She touched a finger to her lip, then to the image.
‘Morning, darling,’ she whispered. ‘Bet you never thought you’d find Mummy in a place like this, did you? I only wish you could be here with me.’
Elizabeth’s throat tightened as she trailed her fingers over her daughter’s face. No amount of longing or praying or wishing could bring the precious child in the photo back to life and into her arms.
Dragging her eyes away, she glanced at her watch. There wasn’t time to unpack before lunch and filming, but she definitely needed a quick, cooling shower and a change of clothes.
Afterwards, feeling refreshed and slightly more human, she redid the plait in her hair, changed into a pair of white cotton trousers and a T-shirt and stepped outside, screwing her eyes up against the midday sun.
* * *
Kendrick rotated his shoulder and winced. Damn it. The fall had hurt him more than he cared to admit. He watched the new doctor come out of her trailer and whistled under his breath. She was a stunner. Even with her long blonde hair captured in a plait and wearing a simple white T-shirt and low-slung cotton trousers, anyone could see that she had a body that could drive a man crazy. Add the aristocratic nose and the cool, almost icy blue eyes and Kendrick knew she would be a challenge. But what the hell? That was what made her interesting. Years of dating women from all walks of life had honed his instincts and already he suspected that Dr Elizabeth Morgan might be his toughest challenge yet.
* * *
Elizabeth put a few pieces of fruit and cheese on her plate and looked around the mess tent for a place to sit.
She’d hesitated about going for lunch. She hadn’t had much of an appetite over the last couple of years and the last three months had put paid to the little appetite she did have, but she knew she had to eat. She couldn’t risk getting ill. She had no doubt, and neither could she blame them, that the film company would replace her in a heartbeat if they felt she wasn’t up to the job.
However, she almost changed her mind when she arrived at the dining tent. It was crowded and she couldn’t see an empty seat. As she was about to retreat back to her trailer Kendrick appeared by her side, his plate piled high with grilled chicken and rice. Unlike her, it seemed as if he had a pretty good appetite.
Catching her look, he grinned. ‘Protein. Good for repairing muscle, isn’t it?’
Elizabeth shrugged. ‘Doesn’t look as if you have much problem in that regard.’
When his grin widened, she realised that she had spoken without thinking. ‘I mean…you assured me there was no damage after your fall,’ she added hastily, annoyed to find she was flushing
‘Tell you what,’ he drawled, ‘why don’t we find a place to eat outside in the shade? It will be more comfortable, apart from anything else. The fans they use to try and keep the air circulating in here aren’t much good.’
She didn’t want to have anything more to do with Kendrick than she had to, but as she opened her mouth to refuse she saw that he had already turned away to go back outside. There was nothing she could do without seeming rude except follow.
He was right, there was more air outside. Moreover, a little breeze had come in from somewhere, cooling her overheated skin. Kendrick pulled out a folding chair for her, before easing his long, powerfully built frame into one beside her.
‘So, tell me, Lizzie, what brings you here?’ he asked, forking a piece of meat. ‘All the way from England? I would guess London if I had to narrow it down.’
She noticed he was no longer speaking like a cowboy from a movie. In fact, despite the American accent, she could have sworn he had spent some time in the UK.
‘You’re correct,’ she said. ‘London. But I spent some time in America before…’ She bit her lip. She didn’t want to go there. She didn’t want to talk about her life back then. She definitely didn’t want to think about Simon and she couldn’t bear to think about Charlie. ‘Before going back to the UK,’ she finished lamely.
Kendrick studied her thoughtfully for a moment.
‘What about you?’ she asked, before he could ask her anything else. ‘If I’m not mistaken, you’ve spent time in the UK too.’
‘And you’d be right. I went to boarding school in England. My parents travelled a lot and my mother is English. But we were talking about you.’ Kendrick neatly turned the conversation back.
‘Nothing much to tell.’ At least, nothing much she wanted to tell. ‘I went to medical school—St Bart’s?’ She raised her eyebrows in question. When he nodded, indicating he knew it, she continued. ‘I trained in emergency medicine and then worked with the London Air Ambulance service for a year. That’s about it.’
‘Married? Kids?’ His eyes dropped to the bare finger of her left hand. Elizabeth sucked in a breath.
‘I was married but it didn’t work out,’ she said evenly. This was exactly the kind of conversation she wanted to avoid.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. It happens.’ She placed her plate to the side. ‘Isn’t it time for filming to start again?’
‘It’ll probably be closer to two-thirty before it gets under way. Our leading lady isn’t known for her timekeeping.’
When he smiled at her, his eyes creased, revealing faint laughter lines. She wondered if everything amused Kendrick.
‘In that case, I guess I’ll go along to the medical trailer. There might be someone who wants to see the doctor before filming starts.’
‘Do you know where it is? I could show you if you like.’
‘Philip took me there earlier. Anyway, don’t you have to be on set, getting blown up or something like that?’ she said, more sharply than she intended. The trouble was, and she didn’t know why, this man was getting under her skin, despite the fact she had just met him.
Kendrick looked baffled. He stood up, slapping the dust from his trousers.
‘Sorry, Lizzie. I hope I didn’t say anything to offend you.’
Elizabeth felt herself go cold with embarrassment. He was right. Despite his blatant interest and the way he looked at her, he’d been friendly and welcoming. He wasn’t to know that she was barely holding it together. That since Simon had left her, she’d erected a shield around herself. And then as Charlie had become sicker and sicker…A wall of pain slammed into her and she swallowed hard.
None of that excused her appalling manners. Kendrick wasn’t to blame for any of it.
‘I’m sorry, that was rude of me. I’m just a little…’ she struggled to find the right word ‘…out of sorts, that’s all.’
The ready grin flashed, but before he could say anything, a loud screeching noise made them both whirl round.
‘What in the name of…?’ Kendrick said.
Philip was using some sort of megaphone in an apparent attempt to summon the cast.
‘He needs to get that thing tuned.’
As they shared a smile, Elizabeth’s heart missed a beat. He had the devil in his bright blue eyes, she thought irrationally.
‘Have to go, I’m afraid,’ Kendrick said, sketching a salute. ‘We’re going to need you too. Philip has been putting off this scene until you got here.’
‘What kind of scene?’
‘I have to drive a car off a cliff.’ The matter-of-fact way he said it made it sound as if this was what most people did as a part of their daily routine.
‘Oh, really?’ she said with a lift of her eyebrow. He had to be winding her up again, but this time she wasn’t going to fall for it.
‘Don’t worry. I jump out of the car once it goes over the cliff. I’m not actually in it when it hits the ground. Or at least I hope I won’t be.’ He muttered the last few words.
‘Let me get this right,’ Elizabeth said. ‘You are in a car that goes over a cliff, but you jump out in mid-air? And how do you get back on the ground? Fly?’
‘It’s not as difficult as it sounds. They’ve removed the rear window. Once the car goes over, I climb out and sort of sky-dive to the ground. I’ll have a parachute.’
She still didn’t know whether to believe him. It sounded too fantastic.
But as the trucks, loaded up with cameras, cast and crew, including Elizabeth, rolled out into the desert coming to a stop at the top of a cliff, she realised that Kendrick hadn’t been teasing her.
Philip was hustling everyone to get into position. ‘We don’t have much time, folks,’ he said. ‘And I don’t want to do this more than once, so let’s get it right.’ He turned to Elizabeth. ‘You better check with Kendrick where he’d like you positioned, just in case he has a problem.’
Elizabeth nodded. This was why she was here and she needed to be prepared for anything. Heaving her medical kitbag over her shoulder, she searched around for Kendrick.
Given his height, it wasn’t difficult to spot him amongst the crowd of people. Although the set was buzzing with noise and activity, she could hear his distinctive voice coolly instructing his team above the clamour. As if he sensed her gaze, Kendrick looked over towards her. As their eyes locked, her pulse missed a beat. This was a man totally in control and completely in charge. What would it be like to have someone like him on your side? Someone to count on?
Almost immediately, Elizabeth shook the thought away. Where had that come from? She didn’t really know anything about Kendrick. There was no way she was ever going to go down that road again. He was just a man, a work colleague.
She threaded her way amongst the crowd until she was standing in front of him.
‘Where’s the best place for me to wait in case I’m needed?’ she asked.
He gave her a lopsided grin. ‘Lizzie, if this goes wrong, no doctor is going to patch me up.’ His voice grew serious. ‘Not that anything will go wrong. But with a stunt like this, other factors come into play, so we have to be prepared for anything. We’re cordoning off a safe area at the foot of the cliffs. Watch out for falling debris when the car falls to the ground—that’s the biggest risk to the crew.’
‘Okay.’ The words ‘Good luck’ hovered on her lips, but she bit them back. Somehow she didn’t think Kendrick would need it. Instead she made her way over to the base of the cliff and behind a toughened plexiglass screen. He’d certainly thought of everything.
From the bottom, the cliff looked even higher. Kendrick was right. If he didn’t manage to get out of the falling car in time, or if his parachute failed, she doubted she’d be able to do much to help him. There was a very real possibility he could be killed. Her blood ran cold. But he was a professional. This was what he was trained to do.
After a tense hour and a half they were ready. The car rolled over the lip of the cliff and into space. An explosion splintered the sky, sending sparks of dazzling yellow and orange outwards and sizzling towards the canyon floor. A collective gasp went up from the onlookers, but still the cameras kept on rolling. After what seemed like an eternity, but could only have been a second or two, a figure clambered out of the rear window and launched itself away from the falling car. Elizabeth couldn’t have pulled her eyes away even if she’d wanted to. There were a few heart-stopping seconds as the figure fell, hurtling towards the ground, and there was no sign of Kendrick’s parachute opening. Elizabeth tensed, positive that the sound of the car crashing to the ground was going to be followed by the thud of his body. Only when his parachute whooshed open did she realise she’d been holding her breath. Kendrick landed lightly on his feet, several metres away from the burning wreck and only a short distance from her.
He sketched a bow as everyone applauded.
Relieved that for this scene at least her services hadn’t been needed, Elizabeth crossed over to Kendrick, who was divesting himself of his parachute.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
He turned glinting eyes on her. She could tell that he’d got a kick out of what he’d just done.
‘Perfect,’ he said.
‘That was crazy,’ she said. ‘I don’t know why you let Philip talk you into doing it. No film is worth dying for.’
His eyes narrowed and he frowned at her. ‘Relax, Doc,’ he said.
Although his tone was light, there was an undercurrent of steel in his words. ‘I have no intention of getting myself—or anyone else on my team—killed. We spend a lot of time discussing and planning the stunts beforehand to eliminate as much risk as possible. Then we deal with what’s left. It’s what stuntmen and women do. If you don’t like it, perhaps this isn’t the job for you.’
He looked over the top of her head. ‘Hey, Josh, Immy. What d’you think? Did Philip get the shot he needed?’
He walked away, leaving Elizabeth feeling dismissed.
Who was he to tell her what job did or didn’t suit her? But she had to admit he was right. Her job wasn’t to worry about Kendrick or to tell the film producers what they could or couldn’t do. Her job was to keep them alive long enough to get them to hospital should anything happen.
* * *
Filming over for the day, Elizabeth knew that this was the time that the cast and crew would be most likely to look for her should they require a medical opinion. She took a ride on the first truck heading back to the camp and, sure enough, she was kept busy until dinnertime, seeing members of the crew who had sore throats or sunburn. Nothing too serious and nothing that required more than some painkillers or advice.
When she was certain there were no more patients, she locked up. If anyone needed her out of hours, they knew where to find her.
She let herself back into her trailer and picked up the photo from the bedside table.
Charlie was staring into the camera, a small smile on her face. It had been taken just before she’d lost control of her neck muscles, but even then they had been deteriorating, giving her a lopsided look. But to Elizabeth her daughter looked beautiful.
Elizabeth started to unpack. On top of her clothes was Charlie’s favourite soft toy, the ear lightly chewed and missing an eye. A crushing pain squeezed Elizabeth’s chest as memories rushed back. Her daughter’s little face looking up at her with incomprehension that Mummy wasn’t able to help, the feel of her child’s tiny frame in her arms as Charlie lost more and more weight. The last time she had held Charlie, knowing that she was slipping away and there was nothing, nothing anyone could do and that no amount of love or denial could stop her from dying. And then later the small white casket being lowered into the ground, the disbelief that she would have to live out the rest of her life without her daughter.
Elizabeth brought the soft toy to her face and inhaled the still lingering scent of her daughter.
In the weeks following Charlie’s funeral Elizabeth had been almost unable to function. She’d wandered around the small house, alone and aching to touch her child. Just once more.
The nights were the worst. She’d find herself curled up in her daughter’s bed, soaking the pillow with her tears. But eventually she’d known she had to do something. When she’d seen this job advertised it had seemed perfect. No chance of coming into contact with children, a limited contract that would give her breathing space to decide what to do with the rest of her life, and an environment where people knew nothing of her past and were unlikely to be interested.
As soon as she’d been offered the job and accepted, she’d put her terraced cottage on the market. With a bit of luck it would be sold before she had finished here. With Charlie gone, Elizabeth couldn’t bear to live in the home that had once held such happiness. She didn’t know if she could even ever set foot inside it again.
Her throat ached as she remembered sitting on the floor of Charlie’s bedroom, tears pouring down her face as she’d packed away Charlie’s clothes and toys. She hadn’t been able to pack away the soft toy. Together with the photo, it was all she had brought with her to remind her of her darling daughter. Not that she needed anything to remind her of Charlie. Every second of Charlie’s too-short life was burned into her soul. She kissed the photo one more time before replacing it on her bedside table.
Although so far her day had been mostly straightforward and the work nothing compared to caring for a severely disabled child twenty-four hours a day, Elizabeth was tired. But for once it was a nice tiredness. She had been able to forget for a few hours. The thought sent another shot of pain through her. Not that she wanted to or could forget her baby. Despite Charlie’s disabilities Elizabeth would have given everything she had to have her daughter back.
But that wasn’t to be. She had somehow to make some sort of life for herself, even if at the moment she didn’t know what that could be.
