LILAC Sisterhood 3: Under My Nose

Everything has been difficult to navigate ever since we lost our father unexpectedly in a car wreck. I’m the baby of the family, and everyone has been taking care of me for as long as I can remember, but I’ve been trying to step up and take care of Mom and my brother and sister since the accident.

My mom is having the hardest time; she and my dad were so in love, and it was obvious to everyone around them. Watching her suffer with loneliness and depression was the hardest part. On the brightest of sides, the loss eventually made our family closer, especially me and my older sister Priya. We’ve always been close, but somehow we’ve become absolutely stuck to each other in the last few months.

My brother Kade is getting married. I’m sure he would have loved to have my father there, but he’s coping well. It helps a lot that he is over the moon happy with his fiancée. Mom has been throwing herself into it all head first and doing everything she can to make it a success; even if we will all miss Dad.

There is more good news though; we just found out that Kade and his fiancée Sloan are expecting. My first niece will be named Clover Mae, and we’re all so excited to welcome her into the fold. Everything seems to be working out or even looking up for everyone for the first time since our world got turned upside down last year. It’s nice to feel like we can start to live again, even without Dad around in person. I can feel his warmth everywhere.

Today is the wedding, and I can’t help but to sort of reflect on my life and where I’m at. My brother is moving on with his career and getting married, heck, he’s about to be a father. All while Priya is such a boss lady that she doesn’t need anyone, and I’m just sitting here single, waiting for the right guy to come along and snatch me up. It’s not the ideal scenario, but I’ve tried all the dating things. I’ve just never met the right guy.

I don’t know what I really need, but I know what I want. My guy should have big muscles that can throw me around when I want him to. At the same time, I’m small and even though I can handle myself, I want to feel protected when I need him. I need a guy with an amazing sense of humor because I can be weird at times, and I just want someone to laugh with. Let’s see, it would be awesome if he got along with my family. I know, no one has to tell me, these are lofty goals, but hopefully, someday, I’ll find him.

I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about people’s perceptions. When we were kids, people would pick on my mother and father because they were in an interracial relationship. I was afraid that would carry on to me if I ever decided to date one of the guys who asked when I was younger.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been around the block a few times, but I’m happier reading my romance novels. I like to live vicariously through the main characters. It’s easier than putting myself out there just to be let down. I can’t even look in the mirror without thinking about the fact that I might die alone.

When I was twelve, one of the pretty girls at school called me a plain, brown girl, and I never got it out of my head. She said my eyes, skin, and hair were all the same color and I looked boring. It’s hard to feel beautiful enough to approach someone when the first word I would use to describe myself is plain.

When I swing the door open, Priya greets me with a giant hug. Her personality could easily be described as over the top, but I find her bubbliness endearing.

“How do you feel?” I smile through a chuckle.

“Today we get a new sister.” Priya giggles excitedly as she steps inside.

A new sister, I already love Sloan, but now she’s going to be family. “You’re right, it’s pretty incredible, and I really like Sloan,” I admit.

Priya’s eyes get big like saucers as she coos, “It’s going to be so nice, seeing Kade all loved up and happy. It’s going to be the first really happy day we’ve had in a while.”

“Mom is going to smile again,” I realize out loud.

“You’re right. I just know that it’s going to be a great day!” Priya claps her hands. “Are you ready to go?” she asks as she gestures toward the door.

“Of course, let’s do it!”

After piling everything we need to get ready into our arms, we cart it outside and get into the car. The GPS squawks annoyingly while we try to get out of the neighborhood, then Priya makes her way to Sloan’s parents’ house where the wedding is being held.

“Are you nervous about being a bridesmaid?” I ask because suddenly I’m feeling really nervous.

I’m not sure I want to tell Priya why yet, but I’m just testing the waters.

“Nope, it’s going to be great. The dresses that Sloan picked out are incredible, and it’s going to be amazing,” she replies with a big grin.

“What about who we walk with?” I clarify.

“The band guys?” she gapes. “Who cares? They might as well be brothers,” she says with a laugh.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I say as convincingly as possible.

It’s true that we have known my brother’s bandmates forever, but I can’t shake the way I felt at the rehearsal dinner when I saw Sean Barlow.

“There’s something you’re not telling me…,” Priya says mysteriously.

She purses her lips and makes little popping motions like she’s trying to suck the gossip from the air.

I don’t want to tell her, but I didn’t bring it up, so maybe somewhere deep inside, I did. “How do you know?” I retort.

“It’s like sister’s intuition,” she pushes while she rolls her hand in the air to tell me to get on with it.

“I don’t know, I might be totally off base,” I say as I turn to look out the window to hide my blush.

“Just tell me, it’s not like I’m going to do anything about it,” Priya insists.

Lies, that is total lies. Priya has no filter, and she loves to be in everyone’s business. “You’re right, that doesn’t sound like you at all,” I spout.

“Wow, your sarcasm stings.” She giggles.

“It doesn’t. I know you; you’re like an impenetrable wall. All my teasing just bounces right off you,” I remind her.

“Dammit, Ray, just tell me!” Priya shouts in a playful tone.

“Fine, okay!” I shout before I clear my throat and try to sound normal. “What do you think of Sean?” I ask so quietly that I’m not even sure if it actually came out.

“Do you want to know what I think, or do you want to tell me what you think?” she replies, raising her eyebrow.

At this point, I’m glad she has to turn away from me and look back at the road.

“Sean?” she half laughs.

“Yes, have you not noticed how much he’s filled out? At the rehearsal dinner, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of him. Those arms are powerful, and he’s so tall, like sign me up to climb that tree,” I laugh.

It seems that now that I’ve opened my mouth, I can’t keep it shut.

“I’m sorry, Sean, who we used to have marshmallow eating contests with?” Priya laughs.

Her laughter stings a little, so I answer flatly, “Yes.”

“Sean, who literally would open the door to our bedroom and fart then run away?” she persists.

“Yes.”

“Wow.” She giggles.

“Stop, you said you wouldn’t be mean,” I pout.

“No, actually, I said I wouldn’t do anything about it,” she reminds me.

Maybe I’ve read too many books, but Sean could be totally different by now. I hope I’m different from what he remembers of me.

“Would you want to be judged as the person you were in middle and high school?” I remind Priya.

“Fair play,” she admits. “So tell me, how do you feel about Sean?” she asks in a more understanding tone.

“I’m definitely interested. Of course, this whole wedding for Kade has me thinking about the future. I want to find someone to settle down with. Maybe my head is in a scramble, but I’m too shy to do anything about it. Besides, you’re the one he’s walking down the aisle,” I blurt out.

“Only because I’m older,” she insists. “Do you want to trade boys?”

“No! Absolutely not, that will be so obvious,” I yelp.

I’m already mortified, and I’m not even near Sean yet. I sort of wish I could rewind the last ten minutes of my life and not say anything.

“I guess you’re right.” Priya nods. “Well, I know you don’t date that much anymore, but I think you should talk to him tonight, flirt it up, and let him know the score.”

“I don’t know how to flirt,” I insist.

“You don’t have to flirt, just talk to him, see if there is a more than friends vibe between you,” Priya coaches.

“I’ll do my best,” I say quietly and then turn my face to look out the window.

I just want to crawl under a rock and die, literally. It’s not that I don’t know how to flirt; I’m just not good at dating. Most men my age don’t live up to the heroes in all my favorite books. The books are better, and I’ve just accepted that.