So It Goes

JAMES

Of all the girls to walk through that classroom door, I don’t expect to see Anna.

At first, I have to look very closely, but it is her. She looks different, mature but tired and worn down.

What I don’t understand is why she’s in this class.

Before I left, she got a scholarship to Stanford. A scholarship she wanted for a long time, she worked hard for it. She’s smarter than I am, and if I can do it, then she can definitely do it.

So what is she doing here? And why on earth does she look like that?

When she says she had to stay behind with the other professor because of some paper, I know.

I can see it with how she holds herself together, and I hear it in her voice, the little tremble she tries to hide. I know her through and through. I know what drives her crazy, what she loves, and how she acts.

She’s lying, there had to be another reason for why she is late. A reason she doesn’t want anyone to know.

During the lecture, she never looks at me. I try to make her look up, on more than one occasion, but she ignores me and writes everything down.

I don’t understand any of this.

When the professor asked me to do this, she said she had someone in mind who would make a great addition to my team and if I would be able to give this student an interview. I love fresh meat, so I accepted. But what I don’t expect is Anna being the one she was telling me about for the position.

Actually, I’m not so shocked knowing how accomplished she is. There is nothing she does without going for it, full force. No holding back. What shocks me is that she turns it down. The teacher doesn’t like it one bit, but Anna explains she already had a job waiting for her.

I’m disappointed and in a way a tad angry. Not out of hatred, I could never hate her, it’s more like jealousy.

Proud that she is making it on her own, but jealous of the life she’ll be living without me.

She’s been living without me for a long time, I know that. But seeing her do it right before me reminds me of the past we had. The love we had.

I loved every moment we were together. How short-lived they were, we made the best out of it.

After the lecture, I ask if they have any questions. Just like I expect, a lot of personal questions, I can’t help it. I’m not bad-looking, and being a CEO, making decent money helps to get the girls in my bed to make me forget the lonely nights.

Ever since Anna, I haven’t been in a relationship. I’m young and taking over a company, so time is the only thing I don’t have.

The girls throw questions at me, quite personal, so I don’t answer any of them. I look over at Anna and see her rolling her eyes at every personal question. She does still care.

Soon the professor announces that class is dismissed. I see Anna pack her stuff and rush over to the door when I ask her to stay behind.

Now I can take her in more closely. I see the bad shape she is in. Tired, the bags under her eyes, the cheap clothes. Her tucked-in t-shirt is too big, and there is a stain on it. She’s wearing ripped jeans that are clearly a couple of sizes too big.

Still, I don’t understand. Her parents care about nothing more than their image.

They wouldn’t let her out of the house like this.

Her hair is in a messy bun, a bun I’ve only seen at night before she goes to bed.

What’s changed?

And then she tells me the one thing I never expected.

Never, and I mean never, would I have thought that Anna’s parents would kick her out.

I’m losing myself in my thoughts as I try to get something more out of her when she says, “I told you what you wanted to know, James. You turned your back on me four years ago, left without a text telling me you were okay. You didn’t stay in touch like you promised.”

Fuck.

I knew the moment I left, I had to break all contact.

One phone call or text.

That’s all it would have taken for me to run back to her.

I wanted to make something of myself, I wanted her to make something of herself.

But I knew that it couldn't be while being together, apart. We loved each other too much to survive a separation like that.

Clean slate, that’s what we needed. At least that’s what I thought.

Now, I’m not so sure.

“I guess I didn’t deserve that kind of love after all.”

Holy mother of….

Shocked, that's what I am. And all I seem to be today. Does she really believe I don’t love her?

Why else would she say something like that?

At that moment, she turns around and leaves the classroom. I know she’ll be crying. I know she is, and no matter how much I want to go after her and comfort her, it’s not my place to do that anymore. I don’t deserve the privilege. I did break my promise.

A promise, I knew I couldn’t keep in the first place when I took the opportunity.

I rub my face and run my hands through my hair.

“Jesus, what did you do to her?” the teacher asks, stunned. Like this is all my fault.

It kind of is....

“I never saw her like this,” she admits, pointing to the place where Anna stood not even a minute ago, making me understand her reaction more.

“What do you mean?” I try, wanting to know more about this woman who resembles the woman I loved all those years ago, but I don’t recognize her. My sweet, gentle girl is no more.

She sighs.

“For the two years I’ve known her, I never saw her this... emotional. She’s always so collected and mature, even when she had to ask for an extension on a paper because she had to pick up extra shifts at her other job to make ends meet.”

She works two jobs?

“She doesn’t know, I know how much she actually works. That girl is strong, it just surprised me to see her so emotional.”

I understand it now and I tell her with a knowing nod.

“So again, what did you do?”

“I left as you heard, got the chance of a lifetime and took it. She said that I had to take it, but I promised I’d stay in touch but ended up changing my phone number and trying to forget everything. I thought she went to Stanford.” I admit slamming my head down in my hands.

“Why would you make a promise that you didn’t intend to keep?” She asks knowingly.

“I didn’t know her parents threw her out…” Not that it redeems my actions, but if I had known I would’ve…

It doesn’t matter what I would’ve done, it’s no use to think like that, knowing it won’t change anything.

“Fuck…”

The teacher nods, “If my information is correct, being the student info file, she finished high school online.” That throws me off completely. How could they do that?

“They threw her out in the middle of the school year? What the hell happened to her?”

“That I don’t know, she’s very secretive.”

“Goddamnit Anna. And let me guess, she’s refusing help?” The teacher shakes her head.

“You actually know her well, don’t you?”

I find my gaze wandering to the door she just left through, and feel my heart overwhelmed with a deep sadness.

“I loved her. I’ve only ever loved her.”

“But I’m afraid I’ve lost her forever.”